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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 10:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
Divorcing mama,

Forgive us if we come across as jaded.

Many of us have been falsely accused of many things by our exes, and many of the things you accuse your ex of, we've been accused of.

You left the matrimonial home. If you did so without a valid cause you in effect abducted the child. If you did have reason to leave, I hope you have it very well documented or it will come to hurt you in the end. If you felt in danger, you need to show a pattern.

He may be an uninterested father, may be a bad one, but you don't have the right to deny him access unless your child is in danger. If your fear for your child's safety, go to the CAS.

As others have said, give him enough rope to hang himself. Offer him access, be flexible, log every time you give it and every time he doesn't use it. This may come in handy if he later decides to go for 50/50.

Accept the fact that some people have a harder time than others being a father. It may get easier as the child gets older, some people are daunted by babies.


CAS was involved and did recommended us to stay seperate/

I never denied access?

I only received a lot of hostile actions and I am hoping he will stop one day
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 10:37 AM
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You will get alot of feedback on this site. Some of it will be jaw dropping. Just ignore the sarcasm and ignorance. Some people bring their own baggage and anger into these threads.

You indicated that you left your home because it was a toxic environment. Going forward your legal counsel will advise you regarding custody etc. I'm going to focus on the question that you asked and not try to go off topic too much.

The toxic behaviour will not stop. Regardless of a new relationship or any other circumstance for that matter. The toxic individual will always engage in toxic behaviour. Its about control. Now that you left, the toxic individual is losing control. Losing control is their worst nightmare. This fear of losing control will fuel irrational emmotional reasoning. The toxic behaviour will get worse.

Now most importantly it is up to you to disengage. The relationship is over.

I strongly suggest a third party to facilitate access and exchanges. That way the access or lack of will be documented for court. In addition you will no longer have to endure any more toxic controlling behaviour. Offer your ex equal parenting time.
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 10:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by divorcing mama View Post
CAS was involved and did recommended us to stay seperate/

I never denied access?

I only received a lot of hostile actions and I am hoping he will stop one day
By leaving the home without an agreement in place for access, you denied access. Before you left, he didn't have to make arrangements to see his child. Unless and until an agreement is in place, he has the same rights as you do to see the child.

Please understand me, I'm not taking his side or suggesting you aren't telling the truth. I'm looking at it from the legal perspective, not the emotional one, which is what you need to learn to do.

I'm suprised CAS would recommend you separate, usually what they rule on is whether or not the child is in a good environment, whether the parents are doing a good job.

As for his hostile actions, he is no longer your spouse, you need to learn to let go, and ignore. Cut back on the communications, go to email and keep it "business like". Just refuse to respond to anything abusive.He has as much power over you as you give him.

Be patient, it does take time.
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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 11:18 AM
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DowntroddenDad is right about separating emmotional vs legal. From a legal standpoint you made a unilateral decision regarding your child's residence. It can be seen as you undermining the other parent.

By offering equal access via a third party you can squash that. Good luck.

Leaving an abuser will be the hardest thing you will ever do and yet the most rewarding.
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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 02:06 PM
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My extra thoughts:

Quote:
Originally Posted by divorcing mama View Post
My ex never participated at any care for my son while I was home, abusive, controlling, I had to take the baby and leave because I couldn't deal with it anymore. Now that he is mad at me for leaving and trying to claim how much he loves the baby and wanted time with him( to win a joint custody)
When you were together, those were the roles you each took. Now that you are apart, both of you must find new roles. Hopefully that means your ex will step up as a father. Even if you have proof that he was abusive to the child, you can have his access supervised until he demonstrates better parenting skills.

Quote:
Originally Posted by divorcing mama View Post
however in fact he hasn't paid any child support
You probably don't have access sorted out. You need to know the access before you know what CS amounts to use. Right now, it looks like you are dictating access, and he is likely using non-payment of CS to combat this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by divorcing mama View Post
2) has always complained about the drive he has to do to come and see the baby
You are the one who moved away, so it is YOUR responsibility to do the driving for his access. He is right to complain.

Quote:
Originally Posted by divorcing mama View Post
3) misses a lot of opportunities to see the baby because of "work" ( in reality, golf, trips...etc). And NO he doesn't want to take care of the baby more than 2 hours....
If he wants to start with two hours access, then you do the drive, give him his two hours, then drive back. He'll either work up to more, or he won't. I bet without the drive being on him, he'll miss fewer opportunities.

Quote:
Originally Posted by divorcing mama View Post
I heard from others that once the ex moves on and gets into a new relationship it will get better? Is this true? or would he want to show off he is a "super daddy" and gets even more controlling by wanting to have the kid all the time?
You can't count on that sort of thing. Deal with the situation you have now instead of worrying about future changes.
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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 02:18 PM
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Rioe nailed it again as usual. It is hard to accuse the other part of being high conflict when you've moved away, and make them drive a long distance to "see" the baby.

He's probably feeling like he's already been relegated to 'uncle' status, and who the heck wants that?

If you've moved far away with the intention of it being permanent, and him being a in a position where he can only do a long drive to "see" the child, you are pretty much setting him up to have minimal time with the baby. You're sowing the seeds of conflict yourself.

Also, pretend for a moment that you might actually want him to have the kid overnights and/or 50/50, how can that possibly happen when you're far away?

Why do you think you had a right to create that distance?
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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 02:25 PM
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I don't think we know that there is a great distance, the original poster (OP) hasn't said. He could be grumbling about 20 minutes.

As the child grows older, visitations will be longer duration with less frequent handovers, so there will be less back & forth. When the kid starts in kindergarten, handovers can be indirect, via the school.
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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 03:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Straittohell View Post
Rioe nailed it again as usual. It is hard to accuse the other part of being high conflict when you've moved away, and make them drive a long distance to "see" the baby.

He's probably feeling like he's already been relegated to 'uncle' status, and who the heck wants that?

If you've moved far away with the intention of it being permanent, and him being a in a position where he can only do a long drive to "see" the child, you are pretty much setting him up to have minimal time with the baby. You're sowing the seeds of conflict yourself.

Also, pretend for a moment that you might actually want him to have the kid overnights and/or 50/50, how can that possibly happen when you're far away?

Why do you think you had a right to create that distance?
I don't think we know enough about the OP's situation to question her actions. Her ex may have been raging and threatening and out of control, or she may have had a quarrel with him (not uncommon in the exhaustion of a new baby) and walked off in a huff. He may be complaining about a drive of five minutes, or a drive of five hours. Going forward, I think the advice here can be summed up as:

-take steps (talk to a lawyer) to ensure he is paying child support, regardless of whether he exercises his access. There are plenty of other threads on how to figure out how much CS he should be paying
-do everything you can to facilitate his contact with the baby so he can build his parenting skills, including maximizing time with the child. This may require sacrifice on your part, especially if there's a lot of hostility. Having a schedule for gradually increasing his time with the baby, having a third party present for handovers of the baby, or looking into some form of supervised access are all options here. It may take him a while to build up his child care skills, but he should have every chance to practice.
-don't expect anything to change if/when he finds another partner. Things might improve, or deteriorate, or stay the same.
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 03:39 PM
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(I'd also drop the language of describing everything about the ex as "controlling". From what I can gather from this site, everyone thinks their ex is "controlling". The word almost doesn't have any meaning any more).
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 04:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
(I'd also drop the language of describing everything about the ex as "controlling". From what I can gather from this site, everyone thinks their ex is "controlling". The word almost doesn't have any meaning any more).
Indeed!

My ex called me controlling, yet at other times she called me apathetic. Her definition of controlling included me trying to have inputs into parenting my kids. She thought as a SAHM she should have the only say. Controlling was also asking her to live up to the mutual agreement that when the kids were all in school full time she go back to work.

I also had a GF call me abusive. It almost ended the relationship. I was shocked and horrified. What she meant was that she thought I said sometimes said things to hurt her. But what I hadn't understood was that she had been physically and mentally abused for a long time by a husband with mental health issues, and that she was inclined to see bad intentions where none existed.

From what I've learned from being around people who have been at the short end of controlling and abusive relationships is that it isn't an occasional misunderstanding kind of deal, it is an ongoing power struggle situation. If you want to establish that in court, you have to show an ongoing series of events. My GF couldn't prove it in court, because she only called the police once for physical abuse, there were other occasions, but since she hadn't reported them, it was he said/she said. Even though he was diagnosed with a serious mental illness.
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