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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 11-04-2014, 11:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
Child support has ZERO to do with access/custody. He should be paying and you should file and attempt to enforce with FRO but it has nothing to do with his parenting time.
Not true!! The infamous 40% rule (whatever you think of it) cannot be ignored. It sounds like he is nowhere near interested in taking the child for more than 40% overnights, so full CS should be paid. But using this rule as an encouragement to become a more involved father would be GREAT!! That's why I suggested the 1-year transition to see if he can step up to being an equal parent. This also avoids polarizing his actions in the short term.

OP - please google federal child support guidelines and start reading!!
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 12:05 AM
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Dinky...what I referring to was this:

Quote:
that he is mad at me for leaving and trying to claim how much he loves the baby and wanted time with him( to win a joint custody), however in fact he 1) hasn't paid any child support
The OP doesn't have the right to deny access based on whether or not he pays child support.

There's still a shocking amount of people that falsely believe that CS is a payment for access.

In my opinion, 4 months (during which a breakup, custody fight) is going on isn't a basis for any type of generalized assumption about how much this guy is seeing (or trying to see) the child. Especially considering the OP left the residence with the baby. Its unclear how far away she took the child and sounds like she didn't get any type of agreement in place to do so.

The fair thing to do would be to start with a basis of joint custody/access and see how it goes. I hope that the 40% rule and the money motive isn't guiding this OP's behavior.
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 12:10 AM
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Blah, this won't work now anyways...

Last edited by Links17; 11-05-2014 at 12:35 AM.
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  #14 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 12:17 AM
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This thread isn't exactly my masterful manipulation but i will find my victim soon...
LOL...not exactly what you claimed. But I edited my posts so you can see if your reverse psychology experiment works.
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  #15 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 06:38 AM
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WOW, I hope the two of you have been properly entertained with your little 'experiment'? I fail to see how any of this sarcasm is useful to divorcing mama? Have you forgotten that the original poster is a human being with feelings. You criticize her for leaving with the baby when she stated that her Ex was abusive?

This site is starting to resemble a schoolyard full of bullies ( in a very bad neighborhood). Hateful advice is no advice at all.

Try putting yourselves in her position ... Oh no, that could never happen you are both way to smart for that.
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  #16 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 08:31 AM
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Wow thanks for so many replies.... I am a bit confused about some of them

1) I left with the baby to stay with relatives so I wouldn't be yelled at/talked down to/ forced to go out with the baby ( I was still recovering from childbirth and my wound was painful) and the baby wouldn't have to live through toxic environment ...my ex had some drinking problem too.... He would come home scream at me for the smallest thing just because he was drunk. But as he was forcing me to go home with threats, I was afraid and decided not to eventually. The nurse who followed me recommended shelter etc as soon as she saw my situation before I left home.


2) nope I don't have any new relationship , neither was it the reason I left. I do however hope one day my little baby will have a good make role model- either his dad steps up or I find someone.

3) I never denied his access, but he was very difficult with any set of schedules that I suggested, and was denying the fact that we need to make schedule because he claimed that I had no custody so I had no right to make schedule, however he never suggested any schedule in any way.

4) CS - I am sure the court will decide and I am not worried. Just the fact that he shows no interest in the baby that makes me sad.

5) you are all right about not worrying about what's going on when he is with the baby. However I am hoping someone can share the experience of " ex becoming less hostile as the time goes by?" Type of story? Or does it truly exist?
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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 08:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
WOW, I hope the two of you have been properly entertained with your little 'experiment'? I fail to see how any of this sarcasm is useful to divorcing mama? Have you forgotten that the original poster is a human being with feelings. You criticize her for leaving with the baby when she stated that her Ex was abusive?

This site is starting to resemble a schoolyard full of bullies ( in a very bad neighborhood). Hateful advice is no advice at all.

Try putting yourselves in her position ... Oh no, that could never happen you are both way to smart for that.
Thanks Janibel! I indeed did not understand some of the posts and " experiment" also didn't find anything funny or sarcastic. I am truly just hoping people who had gone through what I did to give me some insight/words of wisdom.


I am not sure about the legal side of seperation, but before I left I did try taking my ex to marriage counselling, calling baby professional to come over to go through parenting tips with us....,, all waste of energy since he would sleep through the session or not practising anything the marriage counsellor said or suggested....


He was very rough with the baby too and every time when we argued, he would do something to the baby to make me mad. That wasn't tolerable either.


Anyway enough of me trying to justifying my reason to break up and take the baby with me. Whats done is done. Need to move on. Lawyer has been working on my case and we are going to court.

And I am in this post isn't exactly seeking legal advise- more like real life wisdom.
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 09:08 AM
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Well, the post that Links first put out there was the one that was sarcastic, but you would have to know Links to understand that. He basically told you a bunch of common fallacies about custody and parenting post-divorce in an attempt to make fun of some of the things you said, but you ironically believed most of what he said to be something that you agreed with.

Want some real life wisdom? Here it is, completely without sarcsasm. Regardless of what happened in the past, you need to give this guy a chance to be a dad. Yes, you're going to find that there are a lot of people on this forum who support 50-50, and yes, many of them are actually women!

There are a large number of mom's out there who "can't understand why their ex's are still high conflict after the relationship is over", but at the same time belittle the contributions of the dad, never give him a chance to fail or succeed, and try to relegate him to every other weekend. You are not the first person to state things like "he's impatient with the baby, and he never took an interest in the care of her for these first four months". It is the common battle-cry of a mom that doesn't want to share her kid. Read through the dozens of past posts on this board, and you'll see it too. I am sure that you guys have all kinds of problems beyond that, but you need to manage your expectations and figure out a way to work with the guy.

The thing is, successful co-parenting in a 50-50 doesn't require a ridiculous amount of communication. My ex and I exchange a few emails throughout the week about coordinating extracurricular activities and expenses, and that is about it. By and large, I trust her to run her house, and she trusts me to run mine. If you make the decision to trust and work with this guy, and focus on helping him succeed as a dad, it will help prevent SOME of the high conflict behaviours that you see.
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 09:22 AM
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My daughter went through a similar situation. Her ex screamed involved Dad but with his drinking problem and personality that put his own needs first he has failed to follow through with any actual parenting. Often its best to let them dig their own hole, by their own means.

Joint custody is the norm and this refers to the legal decision making regarding education, health, religion and not the amount of time each parent has the child. Its good that you are have legal representation and will be able to make informed decisions.

As you have a lawyer it is probably best you do not communicate with your ex without consulting your legal council.

Do not expect any great change in your ex's behavior regardless of his personal life. Do not spend much time worry about your ex's life its not your concern.

And yes you will get plenty of scarcastic and sometime nasty comments on this forum. Some posters have completly different situations which cloud their objectivity. They have been burned by their ex so assume everyone is out to do the same. But amongst the " poor taste" posts will be some good sound advice which will help you understand the decisions you will need to make.

The reality is you have to be fair and assume that both parents want equal parenting time but in the end you can only lead a horse to the water but you cannot force them to drink.
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2014, 09:56 AM
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Divorcing mama,

Forgive us if we come across as jaded.

Many of us have been falsely accused of many things by our exes, and many of the things you accuse your ex of, we've been accused of.

You left the matrimonial home. If you did so without a valid cause you in effect abducted the child. If you did have reason to leave, I hope you have it very well documented or it will come to hurt you in the end. If you felt in danger, you need to show a pattern.

He may be an uninterested father, may be a bad one, but you don't have the right to deny him access unless your child is in danger. If your fear for your child's safety, go to the CAS.

As others have said, give him enough rope to hang himself. Offer him access, be flexible, log every time you give it and every time he doesn't use it. This may come in handy if he later decides to go for 50/50.

Accept the fact that some people have a harder time than others being a father. It may get easier as the child gets older, some people are daunted by babies.
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