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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 11-04-2014, 10:00 PM
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Default would ex husband ever give up controlling behaviours?

A general questions for all of you...since I am new at this divorce business with a baby that's only 4 months old. I want to see if there is any light at the end of the tunnel.

My ex never participated at any care for my son while I was home, abusive, controlling, I had to take the baby and leave because I couldn't deal with it anymore. Now that he is mad at me for leaving and trying to claim how much he loves the baby and wanted time with him( to win a joint custody), however in fact he 1) hasn't paid any child support 2) has always complained about the drive he has to do to come and see the baby 3) misses a lot of opportunities to see the baby because of "work" ( in reality, golf, trips...etc). And NO he doesn't want to take care of the baby more than 2 hours....


I heard from others that once the ex moves on and gets into a new relationship it will get better? Is this true? or would he want to show off he is a "super daddy" and gets even more controlling by wanting to have the kid all the time?



Would you please kindly share your experiences, if you also have a narcissistic, immature, and abusive/controlling ex? How has the post-seperation been with a young kid involved.
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Old 11-04-2014, 11:09 PM
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The biggest thing for parents to learn post separation is that what you each do in your own parenting time is your own business (assuming no safety/abuse issues). It is a hard thing to accept, that 'blank' time in your child's life, that you know nothing about.

Setting this boundary clearly, and not responding to unnecessary 'noise' from your ex is what seems to work best.

I'd suggest you offer a liberal REGULAR visitation schedule, with 'full table amount' child support payable for 1 year, with the option to transition to 50-50 after one year.

This way, he does not feel like you are attempting to shut him out ( and react with exaggerated parenting zeal) and you don't get frustrated at constantly trying to force him to take the baby. The visitation schedule will sort itself out over the year.

But the CS is non-negotiable in this arrangement. You should take steps NOW to get a motion in court underway to have support paid - it will take a while to get thru courts, but he needs to know you will not wait on this.
- 1 year of full table support - plus contribution towards daycare (if you are working).
- then, if 50-50 parenting happens, offset CS (i.e. he pays only the difference between his 'full table amount' and your 'full table amount').

CS will be a lot easier to determine if he has long-term, steady-paying employment (highly variable $ from self-employment can be a nightmare to deal with).

Please don't equate his trying to see his child with being controlling. Whatever his motives are, it is irrelevant - you should support his role as father and ideally, equal parent.

Can you share the transportation burden - that would be a big help if you are not working and he is. For example, each of you could be responsible for the drive to pick up the child.

Last edited by dinkyface; 11-04-2014 at 11:15 PM.
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Old 11-04-2014, 11:25 PM
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Quote:
My ex never participated at any care for my son while I was home, abusive, controlling, I had to take the baby and leave because I couldn't deal with it anymore.
It doesn't really matter what he did during your relationship. That's over. Not to mention that your child is very young. Parenting is a skill like any other...it takes practice. I don't know if this is his first child but if it is...maybe he just needs to get better at it.

Quote:
Now that he is mad at me for leaving and trying to claim how much he loves the baby and wanted time with him( to win a joint custody), however in fact he 1) hasn't paid any child support 2) has always complained about the drive he has to do to come and see the baby 3) misses a lot of opportunities to see the baby because of "work" ( in reality, golf, trips...etc). And NO he doesn't want to take care of the baby more than 2 hours....
I think joint custody is a reasonable starting point. If he's not using his access time, however, you should be documenting that because you're absolutely right that joint custody isn't a fair situation when someone isn't exercising their parenting time with their child and you can certainly make that case.

Child support has ZERO to do with access/custody. He should be paying and you should file and attempt to enforce with FRO but it has nothing to do with his parenting time.

Quote:
I heard from others that once the ex moves on and gets into a new relationship it will get better? Is this true?
I don't think that's necessarily a rule. What he's doing in his personal life isn't your business and has zero to do with him exercising his parenting time.

You need to start by giving him equal access, document when he's not using it (follow up with an email), and then if he consistently doesn't see the child, file for a different custody percentage based on the data you've collected.

Ultimately, what he does is immaterial. You can't control his behavior...you can only control yours. Be fair and be reasonable...give him every opportunity to be a father because its what's best for your child. Ultimately though, what he's going to do is out of your control so concentrate on what you need to do moving forward rather than getting involved of the details of his life.

Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 11-04-2014 at 11:29 PM.
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Old 11-04-2014, 11:36 PM
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A few things that are very important..

-If he has the kids for 39% of the time you get full child support and he still has to care for the kids a significant amount of time so you can have time to be free (recover from his controlling ways etc...) - make sure you take advantage of the time to de-stress and relax being a single mom is hard work.

-He clearly has shown he isn't interested since he spent the first 4 months probably working or something rather than taking care of the child while you had to stay off work on maternity leave and care for the child or perhaps you don't work anyways so its important to keep in mind that you might be eligible for spousal support for the next few years.. You need to really emphasize that.

-Its very normal for Dads to only "love their children" or act like they love their children for the purposes of not paying child support. Before you split he probably wasn't interested at all in the birth or life of the child and he probably missed all those important moments.

Remember custody is "in the best interests of the children" and stability that comes from their mother who gave birth to them and breastfed them (if you do that's good - otherwise bottle-feeding is fine) is the the superior option than having to go back and forth between parent. The kid is going to be so confused "where is my home etc...."

In terms of his relationships - you should track them and make sure you know who he is seeing and then to explain to a judge that he is more interested in those relationships than your child.

I hope you managed to get into a new relationship right away too, to help you through this time - is that where you left to? That'll be important so the child has a good new male role model for the next few months....

Good Luck....

Last edited by Links17; 11-04-2014 at 11:39 PM.
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Old 11-04-2014, 11:41 PM
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The last paragraph clinched it - that has to be a sarcastic post.. I think.
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Old 11-04-2014, 11:43 PM
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Quote:
A few things that are very important..

-If he has the kids for 39% of the time you get full child support and he still has to care for the kids a significant amount of time so you can have time to be free (recover from his controlling ways etc...) - make sure you take advantage of the time to de-stress and relax being a single mom is hard work.

-He clearly has shown he isn't interested since he spent the first 4 months probably working or something rather than taking care of the child while you had to stay off work on maternity leave and care for the child or perhaps you don't work anyways so its important to keep in mind that you might be eligible for spousal support for the next few years.. You need to really emphasize that.

-Its very normal for Dads to only "love their children" or act like they love their children for the purposes of not paying child support. Before you split he probably wasn't interested at all in the birth or life of the child and he probably missed all those important moments.

Remember custody is "in the best interests of the children" and stability that comes from their mother who gave birth to them and breastfed them (if you do that's good - otherwise bottle-feeding is fine) is the the superior option than having to go back and forth between parent. The kid is going to be so confused "where is my home etc...."

In terms of his relationships - you should track them and make sure you know who he is seeing and then to explain to a judge that he is more interested in those relationships than your child.

I hope you managed to get into a new relationship right away too, to help you through this time - is that where you left to? That'll be important so the child has a good new male role model for the next few months....

Good Luck....
***Edited for experimentation reasons*

Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 11-05-2014 at 12:16 AM.
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Old 11-04-2014, 11:46 PM
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What do you mean by sarcasm?

Last edited by Links17; 11-05-2014 at 12:34 AM.
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Old 11-04-2014, 11:48 PM
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Not helpful, Links. :-/
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Old 11-04-2014, 11:49 PM
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Quote:
...is that where you left to?
Links does bring up a valid point.

OP you had ZERO right to leave and take the child with you. You don't own the child. Your ex should have filed an ex parte motion to have the child returned to his place of residence.

Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 11-05-2014 at 12:16 AM.
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Old 11-04-2014, 11:51 PM
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Quote:
Seriously can you edit you post please, last time I did this it was very effective...
Really? Interesting...link the thread.
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