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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 03-10-2013, 11:53 PM
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Without really knowing anything about your situation, #1 above looks reasonable to me, but #2 looks like you're setting yourself up for lots of aggravating and fruitless arguing with your ex. If he doesn't want to take them (or let you take them during his time), he won't, no matter what you've paid for the activity or what he's agreed to do. (I've been down this road). And if he gets his back up and decides that he's not going to let you tell him what to do on his time because it's HIS TIME, dammit!, then it becomes a huge battle which you can't win. Perhaps you can speak to the kids' coaches/instructors and let them know the situation, and ask if they will accept that your kids' attendance may be spotty. Emphasize that this doesn't reflect in any way on your kids' enthusiasm for the activity. I found my daughter's coaches were quite sympathetic and not the least bit surprised. They've seen it all before. (Of course, she's not a elite athlete or anything - just a kid doing recreational activities).
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Old 03-11-2013, 09:37 AM
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I'd keep going as well, and wouldn't cave on the financials - particularly the S7 expenses.

I thought I was being helpful in waiving significant CS and all S7 for the last 15 years to keep the peace. You don't get a ribbon for waiving table amounts, and at the end of the day, your children are losing out.
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Old 03-11-2013, 10:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzie View Post

a. Ex wants 50% share of extraordinary expenses. (LOTS (lots) of orthodontics to come.) My lawyer thinks we should insist on proportionate to our income. (a 8% difference). I am undecided.

As others have already mentioned, an 8% difference seems pretty small, to spend lawyer dollars fighting over. If you think the respective incomes will vary a lot, over the next few years, then perhaps "proportional" would be good then. If not, I wouldn't fight over it.

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Originally Posted by Suzie View Post
b. Ex refuses to pay or participate in any extracurricular activities. No cooperation. (My lawyer thinks we can talk some sense into him. LOL) I would gladly pay for all future activities, if he would only drive them there on his week.
Is your ex given any chance for input in making these decisions (activities and costs)? Ex. Do you give advance notice, with some options, that you both can agree on, and he simply refuses to participate in any dicussion?

Does he offer any selections himself, or say what he prefers.

Or does he get sent a schedule and "bill for his share" after the choice has been made?

That would help describe what is happening here. It's hard to have kids' extra-curricular activities, that only fall on one parent's time, just by the nature of scheduling, so cooperation is needed here. Something that might help, is to agree on only having 1 or 2 activities during a timeframe (season?), so that each parent's time isn't too booked up with activities. And it sounds like you have more than one child.

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Originally Posted by Suzie View Post
c. stalling and trying to prevent dental and health care. (OK, I have a case for health care. Do the same rules apply for dental care?)
It would be in the childrens' best interests to have them covered under each parent's health/dental benefits. Perhaps word it, that each parent will have the child covered, if they are employed? Are you currently employed? Do you have benefits as well? Why wait for the other parent? *both* parents should be taking care of this. If he has coverage available through his employment as well, that would be a "no-brainer" for him to be required to have them covered too, in court.

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Originally Posted by Suzie View Post
d. won`t let me communicate regularly with kids during his week (I used to call once a week; now he won`t answer or return calls.)
How old are your children?
You could likely introduce a `set time` or window, that each parent will have available, to make calls to the other household, to speak to the kids.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzie View Post
e. ex lies to me, to the kids about me, to the school on important matters.
You likely need to ignore most of that. What kind of "lies" are we talking about here? You would have to have "proof", in order to have any movement there, in court. Will the ex claim the same about you? You need "proof", and usually, it's best to ignore this, unless the lies are particularly damaging, where it comes to the kids.

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Originally Posted by Suzie View Post

f. does not comply with our separation agreement about the beneficiary of his life insurance. (I will fight this one.)
If you already have this in an agreement, it should be particularly easy, to have this enforced then. I would assume you have the same arrangement on your life insurance, for him? (presumably, so that kids are taken care of in future?)

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Originally Posted by Suzie View Post

g. has undisclosed income. (I`m keeping that ace in my hand for now.)
You need to provide proof. Do you have proof? Because I think if you did, you would already be using that, if the other parent is not being truthful about income?
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Old 03-11-2013, 06:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzie View Post
a. Ex wants 50% share of extraordinary expenses. (LOTS (lots) of orthodontics to come.) My lawyer thinks we should insist on proportionate to our income. (a 8% difference). I am undecided.
This is one I would fight. Incomes change over time. I'd rather have one fight now, even if the amount seems small, than a future full of fights every time someone's income changes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzie View Post
b. Ex refuses to pay or participate in any extracurricular activities. No cooperation. (My lawyer thinks we can talk some sense into him. LOL) I would gladly pay for all future activities, if he would only drive them there on his week.
This is one I would fight too, but sensibly. Kids do extracurricular activities. Depending on the price, they might be covered by CS, or they might be section 7 expenses. If you sign a kid up for soccer for the summer, that's not too expensive and falls under CS. Whether or not the dad takes the kid is up to him though. If he refuses to do anything with the kid, this will come back to haunt him later when the kid can refuse to go to dad's place because of missing activities. If you are signing the kid of for expensive competitive hockey, that would be a section 7 expense that you should discuss ahead of time with the ex. If the ex says no, you can decide from then what to do. Pay anyway and face the kid missing half the activity, or not do it at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzie View Post
c. stalling and trying to prevent dental and health care. (OK, I have a case for health care. Do the same rules apply for dental care?)
This is pretty serious. What kind of prevention are we talking about? If the dad is endangering the kid's health, then yes, this is something you want to fight for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzie View Post
d. won`t let me communicate regularly with kids during his week (I used to call once a week; now he won`t answer or return calls.)
Not much you can do here. If the kids ask why you didn't call, tell them you did but must have missed them. Assure them that they can call you anytime they like, and make sure they know your number.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzie View Post
e. ex lies to me, to the kids about me, to the school on important matters.
This comes down to documented proof. What kind of lies is he telling? Can you prove it? Is he alienating you from your kids and preventing your participation in school activities?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzie View Post
f. does not comply with our separation agreement about the beneficiary of his life insurance. (I will fight this one.)
How do you know he's not complying? If it's in the agreement, you can ask for proof he's doing so. If he doesn't provide it, I'm not sure what you would do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzie View Post
g. has undisclosed income. (I`m keeping that ace in my hand for now.)
Proving undisclosed income is a terribly hard thing to do. You might think of it as an ace, but most likely it's more trouble than it's worth.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzie View Post
Background info : CS is offset of our income. Ex doesn`t pay a dime in anything other than CS.

Ex has tendency to provoke conflict (or so I feel) and to push the limits. I am of the opinion that I need to fight even the little battles, or he will step all over me, as he has before.

I am undecided between calling it quits, paying for everything and hoping I`ll have peace and quiet OR pushing forward, because I am afraid the conflicts won`t really stop even if I opt for the previous option.
I bet he wants to keep you overwhelmed by the little battles so that you miss the one he considers big. You decide on your line in the sand, and stand firm on that. Fighting over every little thing will drive you bonkers and play into his game.
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2013, 12:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
I bet he wants to keep you overwhelmed by the little battles so that you miss the one he considers big. You decide on your line in the sand, and stand firm on that. Fighting over every little thing will drive you bonkers and play into his game.
This MUST be the most insightful thing I've ever read on this website.
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2013, 02:20 AM
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Yes this is a very insightful post. I have to keep reminding myself of the same thing in my own personal situation. Chess Game for sure.
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