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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 11-16-2010, 06:30 PM
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I couldnt imagine going to a therapy session thinking of working on our problems, then getting dumped. I can't imagine. I had a hard time digesting what I heard too cause I didn't feel the same way but in time, I can see things more clearly and for what they really are. You will hurt her feelings no matter what or how you really say it. But it needs to be said from the person, in a private setting, not in some medical professionals office.
That's something she can do on her own after the news to help the hurt etc.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 11-16-2010, 06:35 PM
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Thanks Tugofwar. I appreciate the input, and it makes sense.

  #13 (permalink)  
Old 11-16-2010, 10:01 PM
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My own dump in a counselling session will be forever etched in my memory.

Counsellor: "I sometimes see couples come in where one partner desperately wants to work on the marriage, and the other just doesn't have the balls to tell the truth about wanting out."
Him: "Yeah.....that."
Me: sob!

I guarantee you that it did not enable us to part ways with any salvaging of friendship.

And of course, counselling could be very helpful for her to get through the separation and adjustment process, but if they're not to be joint sessions to try to work on a marriage, then she needs to find her own counsellor, not just go along with the one you picked out. That's just controlling on your part, and she won't get as much out of it, always wondering what he's telling you, or knows about you but is unable to tell her due to confidentiality issues.
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2010, 10:42 AM
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Thanks for the input, all. I really do appreciate it. I've reconsidered my approach.

As far as the "controlling" comment, I suggested a number of options, ranging from going to a session with the counsellor I started with to finding a new one that we could agree on together. It was her choice. This approach (providing options) was the one suggested by my therapist, who made the same comments as you (as to how she might feel about seeing the same person I did). I was fairly insistent that we needed to do SOMETHING, though, because I don't feel we have the tools to make real progress on our own.

As far as whether there's a chance of reconciling, I haven't totally ruled that out. I feel like I at least should hear her side of things before making a more final decision. But given how I feel right now, I really don't think it's likely, which is what I said in my first post.

  #15 (permalink)  
Old 11-23-2010, 04:24 PM
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So my wife came back from her session, and told me that "she knew what her problem is". We waited for the kids to go to bed, and sat down for another talk. And apparently the root of her problem is that she's "lonely", and a big chunk of it is my fault because I don't communicate with her. I figured that there wasn't any point in trying to defend myself and my behaviour at that point, so I just let her talk. I think it made her feel better to get it out, in any case. And I can tell my side of the story in our joint session (next Tuesday).

And yes, I acknowlege that I could do (much?) better in the communication area...

  #16 (permalink)  
Old 11-23-2010, 04:37 PM
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Does that mean there is hope for the marriage?

Be careful that you aren't giving her false hope if there really is no chance to fix things. In time every separated/divorced person figures out what their responsibilities towards a failed marriage is. You don't have to help her do that, in fact it's probably better to let her do it on her means more and feels more honest.

If you are just trying to soften the blow, find another way to do it rather than letting her live with false hope. It will only make her angry later.
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 11-23-2010, 05:18 PM
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I agree completely with billiechic.

If you think that there is a chance at saving your marriage then keep doing what you are doing....

If you are honestly done with it - then you have to tell her - sooner the better. If you would like to keep going to joint counselling sessions after that to work on communication in your new relationship (as parents) then that is great. If you are waiting for her to come to the conclusion that your marriage is over in counselling sessions then most likely - it will never happen. If you don't tell her soon then you will be damaging your future relationship because she will feel more betrayed and less trusting if she finds out that you have been stringing her along. This has the potential to be very bad for co-parenting after you break up.
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:39 PM
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Like I said, I'm willing to listen and discuss. I want to hear her side, I want her to hear my side, and we'll go from there. I just don't think it's likely, which is probably not the ideal attitude to go into counseling with, but there it is.

Thanks for the input. I do appreciate it.

  #19 (permalink)  
Old 11-27-2010, 06:59 PM
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I am confused. Are you or are you not planning on letting your therapist break the news? If not and you already have your mind set against resolving the problems in your marriage then why the counselling other then to have the therapist inform your wife of the impending divorce. It seems a little cold and heartless. I get that you don't want to be the one to voice "it's over" and watch the utter devastation cross her face but life isn't easy and the cop outs cause much more pain then the direct approach. On the other hand though if you are 'closed off to resolving' the issues in your marriage out of exasperation and being wore out then maybe you should be getting more therapy to understand why you have closed yourself off?
NOT trying to be rude it's just if you are becoming cold and emotionless out of being tired of hurting and or running into closed doors then maybe you need to work on you a little more instead of expecting your wife to. It takes two to cause an issue and maybe working on you will help you become more at peace with what is going on instead of closed off.
Again not trying to be rude;
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 11-28-2010, 07:41 PM
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Mama2bee, no offense taken. To try to clarify, however...

I've never said that I expect the counselor to "break the news" to her about not reconciling. I did say that I thought it might come out better in a counseling session since there would be an impartial "referee" to keep things from getting ugly/nasty/hurtful, but based on the feedback in this thread, I've decided that's not the right approach either. I've said that from the start of the second page.

As far as my own therapy, yes, I fully expect to work on me, regardless of what happens. I know it takes two people to make a marriage work, and I've got my faults. I'm definitely NOT blaming her for everything that's gone wrong. I've never said that I blame her for everything. At the same time, I'm not willing to take all the blame either.

I've never told her that I think things can be worked out or not. It's only come up once, and my response was "Right now, I don't know if we can work this out or not". I expect that sometime soon after this joint session, I'll make a decision about what I want to do, and I'll communicate that to her at home. And at that point, we can decide if we should continue the joint sessions for our marriage, or to try to work things out with regards to approaching things for the kids.

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