Wife has her first counselling session this week...

[ConfusedInAB]

Since posting my introduction a couple weeks ago, we've had the first "big talk", and a few smaller ones. The big one went about as expected, with lots of tears on her part. She knew something was up, just not how bad. One of the things that surprised me was that I had to push hard to make the counselling happen... She knew that we have issues to work out, but figured we could do it on our own without bringing someone else into it. I figured we'd had 18 years to deal with it on our own, so we don't appear to have the tools to deal with it and need to bring in the pro's.

The other surprise was the lack of emotions on my part during our talks. I'm trying to figure out if this makes me a bad person, or if I've just given up, or what the cause is. We've had kinda similar discussions in the past (when we split briefly about 15 years ago, and about a drinking issue a couple years ago), and I was right there with her on the tears. This time, nothing... Just makes me wonder. Feels like I should be feeling more, if that makes sense.

In any case, she gets the next counselling session, and then we'll have one joint session before the end of the month. So far, things have been very civil... No more physical contact, no terms of endearment anymore, but other than that not any overt changes (like me sleeping on the couch or something). But overall, I'm feeling much less stressed, although I'm sure I've just transferred it over to her. I also haven't told her that I don't think things can be worked through... I figure that's something that might be best raised in a counselling session. My therapist knows how I feel though, and he's the one that will be talking to her.

C

[tiredMum]

I felt the same way when my marriage ended. I think it was because I was very aware that things were wrong, and had already mourned for it. He was very emotional (mostly angry) because he assumed I would always be there. I think the lack of emotional response says that your brain and heart have moved on.

[ConcernenedStepMom78]

The sad thing about marital counseling whether before or after the break up is that IF you are going to fix your marriage both parties better be ready to do what it takes. IF not, then counselling is really to help both of yoou come to terms with the end of things constructively. I hope it all works out for you.

[ConfusedInAB]

Thanks you two! TiredMum, yeah, I think that's probably the truth about being ready to move on... I haven't seen the anger yet, but that may come when we talk about where we see things going. Even then, I suspect it will be more hurt than angry.

CSM, I agree with you on both parties wanting to do what needs to be done... Someone in another forum commented on me dragging her to useless counseling sessions, but even if my goal isn't to reconcile things, I still don't think they're useless, are they? If they help get us onto the same page? It's not like I'm going to lie about where I see things going.

C

[billiechic]

Originally Posted by ConfusedInAB

Someone in another forum commented on me dragging her to useless counseling sessions, but even if my goal isn't to reconcile things, I still don't think they're useless, are they? If they help get us onto the same page? It's not like I'm going to lie about where I see things going.

C

Does she know that there is no chance of reconcilliation? You ARE wasting her time if she still thinks she can fix the marriage. It is not the job of the counselor to break the news that you are getting a divorce and no chance to fix it, that's your job. At least give her that much respect to tell her yourself. You need to let her know the truth, so she can start to pick up the pieces. The more considerate you are, the more like thay you can get out of this with part of yourself intact.

[tugofwar]

I agree with Billie, let her know your feelings and don't expect someone else to explain it. I was once in her shoes, my ex stated so many horrible reasons our marriage fell apart and I don't recommend doing the same. I would have liked to have remembered the good times, that there was some love and left it at that. He was nasty and not nice to me and now I look at my life with him and marriage in a negative way. Not the way I wanted to reflect.
It's going to take her time to heal and register the marriage is over. It's only been within the last few months I finally was able to let go and for all the right reasons. And now that we are that much closer to resolving all the issues, I feel like all the weight I have been carrying on my back has been lifted!
Be true to yourself and remember be gentle. It's not going to be easy for her to hear and like I said might take sometime for her to adjust.

[billiechic]

exactly. Try to remember that you loved her once, and that she may still love you. If you can,. be gentle, it will go a long way

[ConfusedInAB]

Thanks billiechic and tugofwar. I don't expect anyone else to break it to her. When I say he's the one that will be talking to her, I meant that he's talked to me, and knows where I'm at. I never asked him to break the news to her, but based on the questions he asked me, I expect that he may at least have her explore her feelings about what would happen if we DIDN'T reconcile. Not that he would tell her.

Tugofwar, your description of how things came out in a nasty way is one of the reasons I thought keeping things until we were in a joint counseling session... Not trying to be a coward about things (no matter how it seems ), but having a mediator to help things come out in as much of a healthy way as possible seemed to be a good idea. No? I have no animosity towards my wife, and no desire to hurt her, even though I know that's not possible.

C

[frustratedwithex]

my ex stated so many horrible reasons our marriage fell apart and I don't recommend doing the same. I would have liked to have remembered the good times, that there was some love and left it at that. He was nasty and not nice to me and now I look at my life with him and marriage in a negative way

My ex did the same thing, in a therapists office, not a good experience.


I knew divorce would be better than the way we were living, but being told this way would not have been my choice.

[ConfusedInAB]

Frustrated, you would have rather had it come out in a private session, I take it? Thanks for the input, I really do appreciate it. I'll think about that.

C