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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 08-25-2011, 07:34 AM
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I was the same at first ... I felt ok ... but after 2-3 months I started to get worse. I almost feel like I can't handle any little glitch to my "routine" or else I crumble. it's frustrating!
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Old 08-25-2011, 11:33 AM
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I've only been separated 7 1/2 months after a 34 year marriage. It's not easy and I can also relate to people not calling you. But that's what separation is unfortunately. People take sides, children take sides, relatives take sides. It's almost a game of who can make the best argument...the winner gets all...and friends become the jurors without the court.
You definately have to keep yourself busy. When my husband was awarded his claim in court I felt my whole bottom drop out. I expected to have to pay him support but the amount awarded to him is insane. When the judge gave his ruling her turned to me and laughed. I won't lower myself and play into his game, it's what he wants and I refuse to do it. When I came home from court and sat alone I cried and cried, didn't and still don't know what to do next. I got in my car at 1:00 A.M. in the morning and just drove for an hour...came home and went to bed. My next move is to try and find a job, I'm going to be 62 in January...whose going to hire me...but nontheless I will try.
Keep your chin up, cry, get angry, scream, yell...then pick yourself up and keep going.
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Old 08-25-2011, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by uwbrother View Post
In a strange way, for me it was less about my wife's repeated cheating and the sense of betrayal and the feeling of being abandoned. I am having a real hard time dealing with the feeling of being abandoned by my friends. I was married for 10 years so their wives are friends with my wives, perhaps that has something to do with it. But I was hoping at least a couple of them (ya know, ones I was friends with for years and years before either of us got in a relationship) would be there for me.
I understand completely! After a long relationship, pretty much all of our friends were mutual ones, and even though they swore at the beginning of our split that they wouldn't choose sides, that they would stay friends with each of us, I'm finding that doesn't turn out to be the case. I'm the custodial parent and work full time at a normal job, so my ex, who is self-employed and can stay in touch with people through work, has way more ability to stay connected with friends, while I'm stuck at work or home, unable to do the same. It's depressing how many of the people I thought were friends have not made any effort to connect with me. The only ones that try are opposite sex single friends who behave like they are trying to start dating me. Uh, no! And frankly, they all know at least the basics of our breakup, and I don't understand how they can remain friends with someone who would behave as my ex did, and so I had to re-evaluate their quality of friendship with me, as it were. Emotionally, I prefer to deal with people who are 100% supportive of me, not trying to do both. Maybe it's apathy, but it turns out they ended up not talking to me and being 100% supportive of him by default. I recognize that I have to make some effort to maintain a friendship too, but honestly, going through this process, I just can't muster the energy and had hoped they would make up for my lack. You know, out of friendship and concern. Oh well.

I am reconnecting with family, and older friends, but they all live out of time, so it's not the same.
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Old 08-25-2011, 03:48 PM
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It's opposite for me. I pretended it was no big deal and had normal few months. My family went out of their way to help me, and they still do. But I didn't need emotional help (so I thought). My dad even commented on how amazingly well I took it.

But as time passes by, I get worse. It's actually less about separation (I went through all stages of grief already, I think ). I actually enjoyed alone time. But my depression now comes from the fact that I feel abandoned by my friends. Noone we know h as really been divorced, so they didn't know how to deal with it. But they've basically just left me, it seems. I go days without any communication with my "friends". Now I am at a point where I barely sleep 2-3 hours a night and therefore, can hardly perform at work.

In a strange way, for me it was less about my wife's repeated cheating and the sense of betrayal and the feeling of being abandoned. I am having a real hard time dealing with the feeling of being abandoned by my friends. I was married for 10 years so their wives are friends with my wives, perhaps that has something to do with it. But I was hoping at least a couple of them (ya know, ones I was friends with for years and years before either of us got in a relationship) would be there for me.

I didn't mean to vent, but just throwing out that ya, I do feel like a fish out of water even though for the first many months I didn't.
Y'all are making me stress even more! I feel the same way about friends. So much of our Ottawa friends are married couples, and my stbx is the primary link - she ran my social life for decades. It's going to feel like I just moved to Ottawa for the fist time when I finally get my place - there are very few friends who I've be comfortable calling up as her ex.

I will really have to force myself to get out and meet people - join some clubs, take some classes, whatever. I already feel like a fish out of water.
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Old 08-25-2011, 07:42 PM
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I agree...I am starting to feel like a fish more out of water as each day goes along.

I'm losing friends each day sadly...What a shame. Mostly due to immaturity from my ex and lies he is telling everyone to make himself look good. Sigh...We are all in the same boat and it looks like it's part of the process. The process that sucks !
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Old 08-25-2011, 07:59 PM
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It has been 5 years for me. About three weeks after separating, my ex assaulted me. One of our couple friends bailed him out of jail.. I was horrified. Then he lived with her. Would not pay child support.

When I spoke to our friend, she would not discuss anything with me. It hurt so much. When she had divorced, she cried on my shoulder and we had taken our kids away to have a little holiday. I always supported her.

So, now, I have run into this couple and I walk straight up to them and be very nice and polite. We will never be friends, but I am at the point where I can hold my head high and not have an emotional response when seeing them.
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Old 08-25-2011, 11:23 PM
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So glad to see I am not the only one. I am happy I posted, I feel much better now.

I've given up on my old friends. Even if they now contact me, I ignore them. I am polite towards them, but ya know ... if they weren't around when I needed them most then they weren't true friends to begin with. I've started making new friends. Sadly it'll take years to form a deep relationship, the type I *thought* I had with my friends.

Does anyone know how I can find local divorce support groups? I am not looking for counselling, just some places where I can talk to others in the same situation. Liike this foum, only in real life.
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Old 09-23-2011, 08:13 AM
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Wow. We all feel the same!! I'm back in my old town this week and I feel like I don't belong. I feel uncomfortable.
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Old 09-23-2011, 09:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by uwbrother View Post
...
I've given up on my old friends. Even if they now contact me, I ignore them. I am polite towards them, but ya know ... if they weren't around when I needed them most then they weren't true friends to begin with. I've started making new friends. Sadly it'll take years to form a deep relationship, the type I *thought* I had with my friends.
...
I find this odd - how does he know his 'new' friends will be any better than his 'old' friends - they are the same.

The problem is that his life changed, not his friends, but when his friends were not able to help him, he dumps them and looks for a deep relationship with others thinking magically they will be better friends, when he is the one doing the dumping - silly rabbit.
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Old 09-23-2011, 09:49 AM
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The problem with cancer is that to remove it, you have to cut out or kill more than you wanted to. But getting rid of cancer so that you can live and live well is worth it.

That's the attitude I had going into my divorce. I was willing to tolerate anything I had to in order to get out of my diseased, dysfunctional marriage for me and my children and I still have the same attitude today despite the horrors of the divorce process.

Have faith that it will get better. Join a support group..make new friends, try meetup.com or a social networking site. Do new things, take lots of walks, exercise more.

Despite all the nonsense of my stbx running around like he's running for Mayor trying to sway all the neighbors that I couldn't care less about to his side, I really must say that I love the changes that are happening. I'm am honestly happier and more hopeful than I can ever remember being.

He is bitter, angry and mired in the past...and I'm far more interested in looking forward into my future.

I have always scratched my head at people taking sides during a divorce...no one can possibly understand the dynamics of two people in a relationship....most of the time, they don't even understand each other. Its a stupid thing to do and I have zero interest in relationships with stupid people. So I guess that part doesn't bother me. I know what happened during my marriage and I'm the only one that has to. I'm not embarrassed to be getting divorced, I was far more embarrassed of the husband that I had. So for me, I couldn't care less what other people think...never did care.

You need to be ok with yourself and have hope for the future. I have my children, my family, and, by the way, the dog likes me better too.
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