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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 09-20-2013, 04:02 PM
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It's not necessarily about having the same habits. What you had with your ex was not an irreconcilable difference between two people. What you had was one person not respecting the other person. Your ex deliberately deprived you of necessary sleep because he did not agree with the hours in which you accomplished it. Two people can be very different and get along just fine if they respect those differences and make mutual accommodations for them. When he went to bed before you, were you quiet and didnít wake him up? Night owls and morning people can be together just fine, as long as they respect the other personís needs.
There's no doubt that my ex didn't respect or nuture any of my needs at all. But I think its definitely a whole lot easier to find someone who shares some of your more important habits and views. Of course, no couple is going to be exactly the same and you do need to find respectful compromises on differences. But I have to say, sleeping in with my new guy on weekend mornings after we've both had a long workweek is lovely. I never once did that with my ex in over 20 years of marriage and it really is such a nice luxury. I think the more habits you have differently with your partner, it does start to affect your level of intimacy because you're physically apart more often, doing different things, or not seeing the same things as important. I think its a good choice to minimize these things.

I could make a long list of women that I know that have seriously come to resent their husband's golf playing, football obsessions, car-fixing obsessions, etc...and a lot of men that dislike their wives shopping habits, house decoration obsessions, etc. I think over time it starts to erode the relationship if there's a lot of division going on.

I'm actually glad I found someone who's pretty much just like me in habit since I tend to be a bit of an extremist....work really hard, be lazy really hard. He's the same and it really does work for us. But to each their own.
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Old 09-23-2013, 12:53 AM
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The thing is, Janibel...

I'm a homebody too - and if I'm not 'encouraged' to go out - I won't.

That can (and has) lead to negative consequences for me in past relationships. So to some extent, I disagree.

We each and all of us, we need someone to 'encourage' our `home-body-ness`, or our `go-out-to-a-party-ness`.

Personally, I tend to be the žntrovert`, so I know what you mean.
But it is very important to get out there and do stuff, too.
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Old 09-23-2013, 11:49 AM
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Originally Posted by wretchedotis View Post
Personally, I tend to be the žntrovert`, so I know what you mean.
But it is very important to get out there and do stuff, too.

I agree wretchedotis, I do make efforts to accept 'most' invitations, funny thing is I start off not really wanting to go then end up pleased with myself because I enjoyed it. I have to challenge myself a little more
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Old 09-23-2013, 12:06 PM
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Just a little? I think you are getting to comfy with that dog, it shouldn't replace mingling with people
After what I've been through, comfy suits me fine for now ... as far as mingling is concerned, I prefer quality as opposed to quantity where my friends are concerned and I have been blessed in that sense.

One of the perks of separation\divorce is that you get to find out who your true friends are. They help me to shake-off the cobwebs whenever I get to comfortable in my solo life.
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Old 09-23-2013, 01:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
After what I've been through, comfy suits me fine for now ... as far as mingling is concerned, I prefer quality as opposed to quantity where my friends are concerned and I have been blessed in that sense.

One of the perks of separation\divorce is that you get to find out who your true friends are. They help me to shake-off the cobwebs whenever I get to comfortable in my solo life.
Ain't that the truth, lucky for me there were no surprises. I don't keep a large number of friends but the ones I have are rock solid and they proved it over the past 2 years.
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Old 10-01-2013, 12:29 AM
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The reality is that we are not only losing a life-partner but also most of our social circle. The status change associated with being a single changes the dynamics of most of our relationships.

I had a very close friendship with my in-laws and now they are so uncomfortable about the break-up that I prefer to avoid them rather than see them upset - they are in their 70's ... aside from the obvious financial problems caused by divorce, this is one of the issues that really 'sux' big time.
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Old 10-01-2013, 01:58 PM
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Originally Posted by oink View Post
No different from moving to another country and leaving your family and friends behind.....kinda makes you stronger

Some people will never know what it's like to live elsewhere (another city, province, country)
True enough, yet there's something positive about starting over and forgetting the bad chapters - it can be lonely at first but it's way better than living with the ghosts of the past.
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Old 10-01-2013, 07:12 PM
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This topic really interests me because my ex and I were very different people. Think about it, with Lava Life and other sites to match people up, would you look for someone completely incompatible with you? No wonder sites like SingleChristians.com is so popular now, religion is something can bound people for example. But is it enough to keep two opposites together? I think not.

My experience is this, stay away from the opposite. Perhaps initially you will like that person, but differing perspectives will determine the outcome in the end.

#1 Differences cause friction... if you like someone who's ambitious but your spouse likes to lounge around, you will soon find a lack of ambition to look ugly.

#2. Different outlooks on life will ultimately lead to friction. If you feel that world poverty brings you down but your spouse only cares about material things around them, you will ultimately see them as greedy or selfish. You might end up liking someone else who's more empathetic or sympathetic in the end.

#3. I comprimised my values with my wife, she was a real introvert, while she was pretty and I loved her smile, we weren't aligned when it came to lifesytle for example. I think we were both making sacrifices and in the end it exploded in our faces (or atleast in mine).

#4. Sexually you might like something different, but truth is in a relationship we seek sameness. Everyone looks for traits in others that they see in themselves. I'm a dog person, my ex hated pets!

#5. Why make it difficult? We all look for simplicity, we want to come home and relax. If you're with someone who's different, you can't relax.

That's my quick take on things.
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Old 10-01-2013, 07:56 PM
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I agree with you Gordy. I think that saying that Opposites Attract may be true initially but long term, I think a couple can handle a few diffences but there's some level of critical mass where it just becomes too much.

When I dated, I just made a list of things that were "no-ways" (things I can't deal with) v.s. the "no big deals" (things that are different but not a big deal to me). I think there are some differences that are ok and some that will end up causing a lot of issues in a long-term relationship. Its good if can discern what they are.
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