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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 04-28-2011, 11:34 AM
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Default What is it with men? (sorry men!)

I realize this is a generalization, but why is it that men can bounce into the arms of another women so quickly after a break up?

We had been together for 9 years and have a 2 year old daughter. We went through a lot of stuff together (raising teenagers - my stepkids -together, going through IVF to have our daughter and lots of other things). We had a really amazing relationship and connection. For 7 years anyway and then having our daughter changed things, as having little kids does to your link to your partner. 5 months ago he told me he wasn't happy. After a really rocky few months and counseling, he decided to leave for a few reasons. 1. he wasn''t in love with me anymore and 2. he felt that he needed to "find himself" and figure out who he is as a man.

Anyway, he moved out 2 months ago and swore that he needed to grow outside of any relationship. I just found out that he has gone out for 2 coffee dates with another woman. It makes it worse that he asked her.

I just find it unbelievable. I am so not there and I can't fathom that he is jumping back into dating so quickly. I realize that he was disengaging before even letting me know last year so he is way ahead of the process than me. But still! It makes me feel like everything he said to me was BS and that he never valued the relationship we had.

Why is it that so many men just can't be alone? Sorry for the long winded post. I hadn't intended to go on so long.
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Old 04-28-2011, 12:13 PM
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Well it is in fact not a gender issue.

Generally speaking, and as you said, it is the person that is leaving the relationship, that has left it long before the other one finds out, that starts dating first - everyone likes to be with someone, even if not a serious relationship, and when they are over (or almost over) their previous one, they look for another.

No one likes to be alone, especially after getting used to be in their previous relationship so long. Also, dating and being married to someone is so completely different, he is still alone, he just wants to have the fun and excitement that goes with dating, as some day will you when you are over (or almost over) being with him.

Sucks but true!
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Old 04-28-2011, 01:36 PM
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I agree, I think the person that is leaving is already gone in their minds. The person that is left behind is way behind in the timing. My ex already had someone else when she left...some say I'm still not over her!
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Old 04-28-2011, 02:15 PM
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Much generalizing here:

Men usually have a greater sociosexuality than women, and are not as physiologically equipped to go without sex for as long as women. They also don't usually need to be in love with someone first to want to have sex with them, as is more typical with women. This means that (again, I'm generalizing!) men usually get into new relationships after a breakup much sooner than women do.

With that in the background, he initiated your breakup, as you and others have pointed out, so he's further along in the getting over the relationship process than you are. And no matter what your ex said about his intentions at the break-up, he may be finding that reality is quite different.

So the answer to your question: What is it with men? It's evolution. I feel very much a victim of it myself right now.
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Old 04-28-2011, 02:27 PM
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I agree that it is somewhat a gender thing and also that the one leaving has been doing so mentally for some time before it happens. The one left behind has to "fall out of love" with the one leaving. Usually that process doesn't start 'til the separation because the left behind person didn't know what was happening.
My X left suddenly and all my family, friends etc. said " just move on he's a jerk! " No matter how much of a jerk he was I had to go through the process of falling out of love which is a painfull long process no matter what. It is up and down and I even thought periodically that he would realize his mistake, leave the other woman and come back!!! Crazy but all true!! Thankfully now I actually am glad we are not together and have found a much more suitable partner that I am madly in love with. It can happen for everyone just hang in there and ride it out if you are in the middle of this now, It is worth it!
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Old 04-28-2011, 03:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by slughead10 View Post
my wife moved in with here boyfriend as soon as she left in fact he picked her up she decided she didnt want to be mom anymore packed her bags and left me and kids so its not a man thing.

Nope, I agree! It's a selfish jerk thing!
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Old 04-28-2011, 05:46 PM
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Well, my wife had a total of 13 affairs that I know of. First time I found out before we got married. I was foolish enough to forgive her and we get married. Then I found out about another, but it was more of a friendship. Again, forgave her. Next time I found out I learned that she was having multiple affairs with 6 men. Almost got divorced, but found out she was pregnant with the second son and we worked it out. Stupid idea. Stupid, stupid idea. Now I found out that even t hough we have three kids, she was back at having affairs. Now she tells me she's done with me and wont stop having affairs.

(On the plus side, she is being very reasonable about the separation agreement and is willing to give me child custody as long as she has generous visitation [like 35%]. She's also willing to give up a large part of equilisation payment if we can figure out how to discharge her future potential liability since I'll be the custodian parent).

I feel like a stupid moron. But the point is, it's definitely not a "man" thing. Jerks come in all genders.
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Old 04-28-2011, 06:16 PM
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uwbrother, if I were you...I would get a paternity test on the kids to ensure they are yours....
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Old 04-28-2011, 06:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
uwbrother, if I were you...I would get a paternity test on the kids to ensure they are yours....
hehe, I hear ya. You know, there are some things I dont want to know . I am the only father those kids know and they're the only children I know. Good enough for me.

If it wasn't for my first daughter I'd have separated 8 years ago. Now I kick myself for trusting my ex for that long and having three kids. On the flip side, my kids are my life and I love them to death, so someting good came out of it.

I am just looking forward to moving on.
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Old 04-28-2011, 07:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cathy Simpson View Post
No matter how much of a jerk he was I had to go through the process of falling out of love which is a painfull long process no matter what. It is up and down and I even thought periodically that he would realize his mistake, leave the other woman and come back!!! Crazy but all true!!

Not crazy at all. I bet every one here (that was dumped) had simliar thoughts/feelings going through the process.
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