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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 01-20-2014, 05:26 PM
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Default What do you do to calm down when ex pushes your buttons?

We all know that exes can make us crazy, we all know that we over-react to even minor instances of button-pushing. So what do other people do when you can feel your heart rate and blood pressure rising because of something the ex did or said, and you want to ratchet things down?

Case in point - I'm feeling steamed because of some choices my ex makes about what to do with D8 on his parenting days (50/50). It is absolutely clear in my mind that this is none of my business, and that as long as D8 is fed and sheltered and not neglected when she is with him (all of which is true), I have no say in what he chooses to do. So I'm not about to fly into a righteous fit of rage. The ex has even been fairly reasonable to deal with in the past little while, so it's not like there's some huge lurking issue at the moment. Nonetheless, all the anger and frustration comes flooding back, and I would really rather not feel angry and frustrated.

So what do other people do in these situations? Go to the gym and work up a sweat? Meditate? Repeat a self-help mantra? Paint pictures? Seek inspiration from random strangers on the internet?
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Old 01-20-2014, 05:36 PM
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Mine can no longer push my buttons (restraining order yay!)

Like anything else in life, I suppose the best thing for it is time .... lots of people say that with time you get numb to the aggravation.

Anything serious you deal with legally - the rest of it take the high road, he's not worth getting sick over.
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Old 01-20-2014, 05:38 PM
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I would recommend looking at your situation logically. This person at one time was your chosen mate. At one time you did trust him and liked him.

I find that in order to get through stressful times I try to focus my thoughts on happier times when ex was fun, caring and when we generally liked each other's company. I try to visualize that person for a while. Then when I go back to the situation at hand I can proceed in a calmer manner (most of the time LOL).

It is a simple thought process that is best done before the old knee-jerk reaction.
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Old 01-20-2014, 05:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
We all know that exes can make us crazy, we all know that we over-react to even minor instances of button-pushing. So what do other people do when you can feel your heart rate and blood pressure rising because of something the ex did or said, and you want to ratchet things down?

Case in point - I'm feeling steamed because of some choices my ex makes about what to do with D8 on his parenting days (50/50). It is absolutely clear in my mind that this is none of my business, and that as long as D8 is fed and sheltered and not neglected when she is with him (all of which is true), I have no say in what he chooses to do. So I'm not about to fly into a righteous fit of rage. The ex has even been fairly reasonable to deal with in the past little while, so it's not like there's some huge lurking issue at the moment. Nonetheless, all the anger and frustration comes flooding back, and I would really rather not feel angry and frustrated.

So what do other people do in these situations? Go to the gym and work up a sweat? Meditate? Repeat a self-help mantra? Paint pictures? Seek inspiration from random strangers on the internet?
Stripes -

I type out a very long email that contains cursing, swearing, yelling, screaming, insults, etc, etc, etc. and then I email it to an address I set up for this specific purpose. (jerk####@gmail.com) By the time I get the email, I'm calmed down and I can have a laugh at some of my best worded sentences.
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Old 01-20-2014, 05:56 PM
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Quote:
I type out a very long email that contains cursing, swearing, yelling, screaming, insults, etc, etc, etc. and then I email it to an address I set up for this specific purpose
So let me get this straight, you are self inflicting pain i.e. sending a HC mail to yourself? That's a new one

Have you tried something more crazy like just going out for a jog/run, walk in the nearest conservation park, go out taking some pictures of your interest etc?
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Old 01-20-2014, 06:03 PM
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So let me get this straight, you are self inflicting pain i.e. sending a HC mail to yourself? That's a new one

Have you tried something more crazy like just going out for a jog/run, walk in the nearest conservation park, go out taking some pictures of your interest etc?
I don't insult myself, I tell it like it is, and it's directed at him. If I were insulting myself, that would be a cause for concern, but I'm not.

It's all the things you want to say but can't say. I'm a quick thinker and have a very sarcastic sense of humour. I quite enjoy some of the analogies I can draw in these emails.

This is an extremely common practice in therapy. Write a letter to them, explain how you feel, why you're angry and then throw it in the fire. I just email it instead.

I can't see how different it is from journaling. But, think what you want.
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Old 01-20-2014, 06:08 PM
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Quote:
and have a very sarcastic sense of humour.
OK...we will go with that

I guess if it works eh, that is all that matters. As the saying goes, there are many ways to skin a cat
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Old 01-20-2014, 06:25 PM
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Stripes -

I type out a very long email that contains cursing, swearing, yelling, screaming, insults, etc, etc, etc. and then I email it to an address I set up for this specific purpose. (jerk####@gmail.com) By the time I get the email, I'm calmed down and I can have a laugh at some of my best worded sentences.
^ ^ I love this. Will have to give it a try. As long as you're the only one who reads it, you can be as irrational or loud as you want.
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Old 01-20-2014, 06:32 PM
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^ ^ I love this. Will have to give it a try. As long as you're the only one who reads it, you can be as irrational or loud as you want.
Exactly. You also get to learn a lot about what's important to you, what the real issues are and what you can possibly do to change what's going on.

I dunno, I find writing it cathartic. But, I also find reading it insightful as well. I'm also finding the emails are getting shorter and shorter, so, maybe I've managed to accept some of those "things that you can not change".

And, if you have constant access to email it can help with the documenting process along the way. No need to write it all down in a journal, it's all there, in your own words from the exact moment the event happened.
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Old 01-20-2014, 06:44 PM
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Kick boxing has always worked for us. We both go and pound a bag. Works wonders and I am fitted than ever and Mom looks amazing, which really annoys the ex!
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