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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 07-16-2012, 12:32 PM
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Default What to do?

In February of 2008, my ex and I separated. We were engaged to be married but it didnt get that far.
After we separated we talked about getting back together. I always allowed him to see our son whenever he wanted. I had asked him a couple of times for money for things our son needed only when I was short on money and never asked for anything more. I also gave him the option to just buy the items himself if he felt better about that.
I was served court papers from him shortly after and couldn't believe the things he was saying in the papers. I explained to him that he was asking for a big fight and that all I wanted to do was to keep peace and live the best life separate and get along for our son. He was angry and persude the court proceedings.
I got a lawyer and to make a long story short, he asked for 50/50 access and the that he paid no support. It ended up I got custody of our son and he was ordered to pay 1,387 a month which included child care and $200 of that was spousal support that my lawyer asked for.
He was very angry and didn't see our son for a few visits but eventually came around. I have always felt guilty about the break up because of my son and not being able to see his Dad whenever we wanted, he loves his Dad and the fighting got so bad that during the "temporary" order I just asked him what he wanted and came up with this offer to him, that our son would be on his benefits, that he paid support accordint to the guidelines and he wanted to use his previous income (he makes way more now) and that when he works our son will be in my care and when I work he can be in his care and we agreed that if we are both working that a babysitter would be hired that we both agree on and that our son would be cared for at my home so he was able to sleep and get up to go to daycare (during the day because I don't get home until 8pm)
Our son goes to a regular daycare during the day and both of us work into the evening, sometimes he is gone away for his job as well and I always let him see our son whenever he wants to but the visits got fewer and far between. He never put our son on his benefits until just last March and he refuses to pay child care stating that our son is in school now, but the agreement was if we were both working and my parents weren't available to pick our son up that he would need someone to pick him up from school and care for him in my home until I got home from work. That never happened. He also lied about his income and refuses to show me his notices of assessment.
We fight constantly, he baptized out son without my knowledge or consent, I found out through photographs and he caused a big scene about what school he would go to. It has been a nightmare dealing with him, he now pays $505 when according to his income he would have to pay close to $1000. I have taken time off of work because he will say he will take him while I work and then not show up. I have begged him to just get a long for our son's sake. I don't know why he is still so angry with me after all of this time.
There have been times where we have gotten along but and he will see our son a few times a week but then without any signs or warning he changes and then doesn't speak to me or our son for a long time. On more than one occassion he has called the childrens aid on me and for things like, he once was supposed to watch our son so that he could be with himon the weekend and family day so I changed my schedule so I could work the weekend and the holiday instead of through the week and we were on speaking terms at the time, then when he dropped our son off the previous weekend I said "so, you are still watching our son" and he ignored me and walked outside and to his truck, I went outside and I asked him to answer me and he got into his truck and I called himan idiot because I was panicking about what to do about work.
I think I should take him back to court just to settle this once and for all but I am worried he wil take it out on our son and not see him. I really just wish he would realize it is better and easier for everyone if we can just get along, I don't interfere with him when he sees our son or any phone conversations either. I don't understand why he wants it to be so negative. I feel the worst for our son as he likes visiting his Dad and now his dad says he is just going back to every other weekend. Our son called him twice last week after his surgery, and he never called him back. His Dad even left the hospital while he was in surgery and was supposed to watch him during the break between school and camp and never did. I probably didn't explain this right,but there is so much information. In the last few years I have not documented anything, here and there on calendars but that's it. I also can't afford a lawyer so I have to represent myself which I did before so that's not a big deal to me, just knowing what paperwork to fill out and when. Does anyone have any advice for me?
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Old 07-16-2012, 12:48 PM
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Questions: You said you got sole custody in court. Was there also an access schedule put in place at that time?

Is your CS/SS order being collected through FRO?
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Old 07-16-2012, 04:38 PM
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Originally Posted by RubyT View Post
Does anyone have any advice for me?
50-50 full joint custody on a 2-2-3-3 or 2-2-5-5 access schedule. Offset child support calculated fairly off the Child Support guidelines and s.7 expenses calculated on actual incomes of both parents.

If you are in an EOW situation with the other parent who wants (and requested 50-50 full joint custody) you will always have a challenge possibly with everything.

It is hard to determine from your post what the actual access schedule and custodial arrangement for your son is.
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Old 07-18-2012, 03:52 PM
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I'm sorry. I just have so much information I left out some information. I origionally had sole custody given to me, and were given a temporary court order which stated that my ex was to pay me 1,387 per month and he would have access on every second weekend and on wednesday evenings. We fought so much during that time because he kept fighting for joint custody and my lawyer told me that joint custody wasn't a big deal, but it turns out he fights with me about every decision. So the trial was coming up and my legal aid certificate ran out so it was either settle or pay my lawyer a $2,500 deposit which I didn't have, so I just gave him what he wanted and now the final order is that he pays me $505 a month based on the income he gave me, which was a lie, and he is to put us both on his benefits and pay 100% of child care. I also agreed to joint custody but on the court order it says that our son will reside with me and that he can have him alternate weekends and then open to what we agree on. He goes in spurts, he'll see him sometimes a few times a week, mostly short visits and then he doesn't see him for a while. He doesn't pay child care either. He makes literally 5x's more than I do. Or more even. I send all of our son's stuff with him every visit. Everything he would need.
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Old 07-18-2012, 03:55 PM
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Yes the support is collected through FRO. Also, the custody order origionally was I had sole custody and my lawyer said usually that's not a big deal it's to make decisions about the child and if I had concerns about him stealing him and I said no but my ex did baptize him Roman Catholic and did not tell me and he wanted him to go to Catholic school by his home and it's a 40 minute round trip opposite to where my son and I live, he caused a rucus about this and even went to schools I was intending on sending him to showing them that he had joint custody. When the final order was signed I agreed to joint custody. I agreed before all of this happened though. (The baptizing and the school situation)
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Old 07-18-2012, 04:18 PM
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The dad has to shit or get off the pot.

He asked for shared custody 50/50. Offer a set schedule and require he stick to it. Suggest parallel custody (one parent makes medical decisions, the other school decisions) if you can't agree.

It sounds like he is fighting because he doesn't want to be the lessor parent with no power and limited access. However he may be fighting because he is a jackass control freak. We can't really see which it is from here.
and even went to schools I was intending on sending him to showing them that he had joint custody.
If the two of you had joint custody, then he was probably taken aback that you had schools you were intending to send the child to. I suspect that he baptized and registered the child in a school in order to assert his role in the child's life. I'm not saying he was in the right, and he was certainly over aggressive in the way he did this, but if he had done nothing, it appears that you would have been making all the decisions.

IIf you had an interim order for sole custody then you must have asked for that. If he were ordered to pay full support, then you must have sought to have the child over 60% of the time.

I'm not out to criticize you here, but we need to define what the actual issue is for him if we are going to suggest a solution.

One thing that seems clear is that your issue should be that if the father is going to fight so hard for 50/50, then he has to step up to the plate and actually parent. If he is not willing to do that reliably, then he is just bullshitting.
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Old 07-22-2012, 10:29 PM
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He is very controlling. I asked for sole custody because we were fighting so badly that is why but then during the court process he was fighting with me so much and my lawyer said not to worry about custody because it shouldn't be an issue, but it has been ever since I signed the agreement to what he wanted he hasn't carried out with any of the order, the support was garnished after the first year, during our court battle he always wanted our son, acted like he wanted to know every time he had an appointment, anything, after I signed the agreement it changed.
When he's not angry with me he calls and sees our son all the time, but when he is angry he doesn't see him much, it really hurts my son, and that hurts me.
I just want what's fair, he refuses to pay daycare, he's the one who fought for that and I agreed to what he wanted for child support because of that and he makes 7 x's the amount as I do.
I know there are Dad's out there who really care about their kids and want equal rights and have thier children live in peace and be happy and I applaud those Dad's. I wish my son had one like that.
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Old 07-22-2012, 10:33 PM
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The bottom line, is I firmly believe he is only worried about his money and nothing else, because if he cared about his son, he wouldn't be doing this. I don't understand how he doesn't understand how much he is hurting him.
He has completely ignored the entire court order and I have always let him see our son, even worked around his work schedule.
OUr son had surgery a couple weeks ago and he got mad at me over something stupid and left before our son even went in and never called him or anything, he was on holidays and was supposed to have him for that week so I could work as it was a holiday between when kindergarten ended and camp began the week after so he said he would take him so I could work and never showed up, I had to call in for that entire week. He just does what he wants, when he wants, my son is only in kindergarten but still, he didn't even ask to see his report card.
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