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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2011, 02:54 PM
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Wow: Sounds like something I would say (you bully, you!)
lol Gary...touche!

I'm truly not trying to be insensitive. If I'm sounding that way...I'm sorry.

There just seems to be the occasional poster who's more of an active participant in their own demise than a victim of the divorce process. This person strikes me that way.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2011, 08:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
I'm not surprised in any way that its gotten to this point. This is now the 2nd time he's talked about police being called...how many more clues do you need to stop? To me, its a prime example of what happens when you don't listen to good advice. And after he's taken out of the home, he's STILL posting about involving his kids. Frankly, like I said, I do not get this guy but whatever...its his divorce. If this how he wants it to be...best of luck to him.
Pursuinghappiness...

There isn't much I can disagree with in your postings. With regards to the case law that I sighted regarding the situation it is something I always post with regards to these kinds of postings.

Advice has been provided and you are correct, disengagement has always been the recommendation. Not giving someone the opportunity to lay criminal charges through disengagement is a much better strategy as you have pointed out has been recommended numerous times.

Furthermore, the calling of the police was instigated by the OP originally which made it easier (not harder) for the police to return to a call of a domestic dispute. It is always a bad idea to involve the police in domestic situations but, they did an investigation and laid charges. It doesn't mean the OP is guilty. It requires a criminal trial to determine this.

It is rather unfortunate that this is happening for their children. My concern is for the children and this awful situation they have been trust into.

Good Luck!
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2011, 09:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Gary M View Post
Wow: Sounds like something I would say (you bully, you!)

Cheers!

Gary
I find it odd that people call you a "bully" generally on this forum. Generally, you tell it as it is. The arguments you present are always sound and based on practical and pragmatic advice. Sure, the presentment may not be the way people want to hear it... But, some times that is required and more helpful in the long run.

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2011, 10:07 PM
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Thank Christ y'all said it...
Someone had to.
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Old 12-28-2011, 11:39 PM
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Originally Posted by ddol1 View Post
i need to get out of these charges cheap - suggestions???
As you are currently on disability and facing criminal charges your best bet is to call Legal Aid Ontario. Furthermore the charge is criminal in nature and the requirement of evidence is very high.

Per R.15 (Rule 15, Representation by Lawyer):

Parties under a disability must be represented by a lawyer. The general requirements of representation by a lawyer of record is essential to the functioning of court in terms of assurance that services have been effected and notice of proceedings given.

15.01(1) A party to a proceeding who is under disability or acts in a representative capacity shall be represented by a lawyer.

(Rules of Civil Procedure)

So if you are indeed disabled and have the paperwork to prove it Rule 15.01(1) would be required and the court needs to sort out your representation.

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2011, 04:49 AM
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well people lots went on both ways in my short absence and hate to say for just a little bit that speaking in the right non combative form of discussion with what are as they professed proudly adult children who in the end.......

Have all come to my aid. Have all come to better understand the plight and that it is possible to care for both sides and not care for the other any less. That the decision is for me to go ahead and take the path of accepting the help of the crisis unit here in town that sadly only could really come into play when things hit the rock bottom. I have now been assigned (as of tommorow at 8:30 a full time crisis case manager that will assist me, take me wherever i need to be taken and to offer their knowledge and skills in getting the best placement for me possibe. Tommorow at 9:00 am I along with the crisis case manager shall be at the housing "crisis" center to review possabilities and forge ahead in getting that placement i need at this point. I was a tad pro active and at the "approval" of the crisis intake worker, who then told me where it was and how to get there for an early pre visit on my own this afternoon.

Turns out that even though I hadn't slept in 34 hours I made my way and spent a so very positive fiirst contact - who turns out had been advised of me but not sure by whom or where but for sure there can't be two "me's" in the same remarkable urgent situation..... so she was happy to meet me and did a pre intake process today so it would not need to bee done tommorrow taking up what i think as valuable active looking for "the new" roof. After a bit, she said to be blut (which to me was not a required warning as she wanted to enter my medical file and circumstance into their daata base. So it appears that I fit into the restricted assisted housing program as a direct result of all those issues which i no longer think of day to day but she asked me...... and I got there on my own steam today???

So I have had the evening to think over the options she said could be made available to me - which would be a comunal type home with private rooms and common areas but with on staff case workers, social workers and specialists - oh and personal aids should one find themselves in difficulty of some form or fashion (say cooking, or getting to doctor appointments etc.) She thought strongly that this may be the best way that they could help me and until such time as i can prove my ability to remain stable and able to do on a consistant basis the basic tasks one must be able to do to live and take care of yourself properly on one's own.

Long post but last is the "simple" assessment carried out by the mental health team has reopened the doors to getting an accelerated access to staff psychiatrists to deal with my current mental state, and emotional termoil to which i find myself in - this has beeennn a very hard and trying at best past 4 days. The kids are happy that I did this - my youngest actually spent the whole day with me first at our clinic, then directed to the nearby hospital then finally over the main hospital a few miles down the road.

For the first time she was an active and vocal participant with the process, the doctors and for the very first time really got the true issues to which I have struggled with so long - doctors spent almost as long with my daughter and her friend's mother who had taken me in that very first difficult night following my release in minus 17 weather with open sandles a hoody and absolutely not one penny to even make a phone call for help or assistance - Just shown the door as it was locked behind me. Good thing for me it was not 7pm when most local establishments were on holiday hours or closed altogether.

Because I was brave enough to be honest with my children, for the first time in I can't remember I felt the power of family working in unison for the good of not just myself but in how they supported each other through the beginning of what will be a long process. Sad to say, and I asked, too bad it takes the drastic event to put so many effective wheels into motion all at once - their madate is to help those in urgent crisis not those individuals that do not like the roof they are under - notwithstanding those who find their safety in emminant peril or abuse of a certain type or level that again calls to the safety of one or more individuals to be removed - and then finds themselves in very similar circumstance to which I now for the first time have felt for the first time and hopefully last.

not much time to type but this is long so i stop here - thks again to all will keep up when i can ..
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2011, 06:02 AM
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sorry pursueing happiness - yep in the beginning the kids were such a problem - but since dropping trying to defend myself and just letting her do her thing (no control over other's actions) it was the right thing to do. for months and moonths it has been nearly zero contact in this form (and right here i will admit I was not perfect - I was not perfect but I put forward the strongest resolve to not stumble but to say i never stumbled before retreating - I can't go there ever. I lived with a nearly constant draw but not to my words or actions but I accepted that I can only control me and what choice I made every time.

To be honest i even tempered my answers to reasonable questions they had along the the way with "I am sorry but in fairness to everyone I cannot comment or answer this question without hurting anyone of us so let this lie for now and trust your mom and dad - they are doing what they think is right and yes we have different views but doesn't mean we are or I will have you pick sides because this is not something you should hopefully think - you ARE grown ups now and your still our kids forever no matter what. In time you can make your own choices - your time your choice.

did not make that speach many times but they stopped asking the more pointed questions and kept them to me directly about me, what i am dealing with and if i needed some help - i am willing to ask but otherwise i am entering a period of learn and adapt to everything to do for myself........

and to tayken thks again - please define how to prove the disability part - I do have accknowledgement from the CPP disability and recent comfirmation of being or remaining on this - is that proof enough for the disability part or is there soomething that my doctor can do on my behalf that may be of help.

I have been in contact with him over the holidays (he has given me the privaledge of being able to email him directly which i do not often do but he has offered his help in whatever fashion that may make a differeence)

as to the conditions it was stay away from the house, the wife in any form (something which i had asked of her even from in the house as even email contact was fruitless - have the few emails that did occur and they were not communative or constructive in any form) but no restrictions to the children. they wanted someone to come and bail me out but to their amaze ment my life does not include friends at this point that live outside the 200 meter limit. In the end the judge said that since i was otherwise an individual who was clean and no threat they allowed a self bond - no money - just call them to let them know where i am within 24 hours and go to the next court appearance and the duty council was ordeered to provide the extra assisstance to "guide me into the system so as to get the representation for this"

I shall admit i realy got stern with the first prebooking duty council dude from toronto who actually laughed at the charges - as bogus bullshit with no witness and anything i may have said or not said had no bearing until i saw duty council - from then he said to say nothing without duty council. after i hung up the phone the police never asked a single thing.

In the jailcell they did not give me my meds - not until some 14 hours later when I was obviously in distress to the point that i bet they were worried i would need to be transported to hospital - the one and only decent policeman opened the door and was careful at first but soon realized i was not a threat so he did enter, he did ask why i needed the meds, he asked what each pill was for and what it did for me and i gave him simple answers but honest ones - he gave me a cup. something that is actually not allowed but i told him their way (cup your hand under this little trickle when you pressed a button) was a sure answer to my choking on this things - he said i do not know if - i said take one out of the garbage and clean it if that is your only answer...... he brought a new plastic "beer" type cup. he then brought me in a couple of exercise type mats for me to lie on (this instead of the solid hard cement like bench that was the only thing in the cell. They did not even supply toliet paper (which some dude was beating on his door for hours - with please, please please) i felt guilty in a way as the one thing i was given at the onset was some paper sheets which was for my nose but worked........ The cells in the courthouse all had toliet paper.

Jail is not made to be a hotel i understand but soitary confinement to which i actually did all my muster to push on the door myself for meds.....i was on the floor and it took me time to get over to the bench - to give him the space to open the door safely - this was the decent officer. I was told at the onset that they had video and voice and i just had to wave and speak but this never worked - it took beating on a door but first and hopefully last it is something that will be forever ingrained in memory. Now that is is what some 5 days away from her my pain meds have actually dropping like a rock to pre elevation and lower levels - I still hurt but like always to me hurt is tolerable and i accept big hurt it is when the hurt gets over this....... the pain meds are what they are for.

100% not post related but a physchologist (now 100% devoted to specific reasearch of severe chronic pain and how to help people who suffer this) I met him just a few months ago as he said to this small group in attendance (This fellow has been doing reasearch in this area for many years now - and what happens to and how to help the individual who has reached the point of no longer being able to cope with the chronic pain that may not be any stronger or intense than years earlier but always is reported as forever increasing)

In case this helps any who may be interested in what many live every day - i was recently given an anology of severe chronic pain and what it is like when: You are in a room and the fire alarm bell goes off but you are assured there is no fire but you are righting a final exam - so you continue (short version as time goes on min by min the people in the classroom begin to alter there positions there posture thier ability to concentrate - some have left the room already but some go on..... then the writing becomes more and more unreadable as this alarm bell cuts through the bodies of even the toughest but in the end when it is papers and pens down - there is only a sparse few that reamain - most of the answers at the end are well confused and not to the point or even answering the right questions in one case.

The bell never got louder but in the end even the stoutest individual reported that this was impossible that he could barely think anymore - many had migrains, many just could not cope at all - but even the best were severely impacted by what was a simple fire alarm bell. The alarm bell is what goes on inside a chronic pain, a severe chronic pain sufferer every day, every night and no matter - all are effected to one degree or another but the longer it goes on the harder it is to cope not what the rational that time build imunity or you get just used to it. The final statement he made was, "Nobody, how strong ever gets used to it, you only learn how to survive it."

The bell has been ringing loudly for a long time. Time to take a break and i am off to find my new life, at least my new roof - then I shall begin the beginning of yet another twisted, bumpy and difficult road that I am sure will not be easy but I have one chance - and that is to take the first step......
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2011, 01:41 PM
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Originally Posted by ddol1 View Post
To be honest i even tempered my answers to reasonable questions they had along the the way with "I am sorry but in fairness to everyone I cannot comment or answer this question without hurting anyone of us so let this lie for now and trust your mom and dad - they are doing what they think is right and yes we have different views but doesn't mean we are or I will have you pick sides because this is not something you should hopefully think - you ARE grown ups now and your still our kids forever no matter what. In time you can make your own choices - your time your choice.

did not make that speech many times but they stopped asking the more pointed questions and kept them to me directly about me, what i am dealing with and if i needed some help - i am willing to ask but otherwise i am entering a period of learn and adapt to everything to do for myself........
ddo|1 I am glad to see you have found the assisted living you need. I think you will feel a weight off your shoulders and hopefully be better equipped for your ongoing legal issue.

Be careful how you continue to talk with your children. I think your speech here is too lengthy. In my opinion you are still placing them in the conflict with your stbx. You are asking them to make a choice, and they shouldn't have to make a choice. They should feel free to love both of you without thinking they are taking sides.

If it were me I would keep my response short and simple. Don't talk about fairness, don't talk about hurting anyone, don't talk about different views and don't talk about taking sides.

If it were me I would say something like, " I am working on it", or, "There are things I have to figure out", (leave your stbx out of the response because you can only speak for yourself). Remember, short and simple. You tend to be too wordy and feel you have to explain everything. In my experience, the kids just want a simple reassurance that you are working on it and thinking about it.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 12-31-2011, 12:18 AM
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yes i admit i am wordy (always trying...)- it is actually something I brought up with a person who might have had insight and he did. He explained in more technical terms that the way the brain works can be disrupted and it affects this. But i responded, I want to be short and to the point. And his answer was, "So does every other person that is affected like you "may have been" - being in brackets because he is using his 20 plus years work in this area and not actual testing...... I do try and my kids have noted that i am getting shorter. As long as they approach me when I am in a better state and not retreated in the corner rocking (Good sign I am not doing good) Fact the kids said this seperately on thier own is a good sign.

Laast night my son actually offered a hug, something he has not done for years. He is a very hard working, quiet and reserved individual.

As far as the kids 23, 21, and 18. Thier life has been more independant than most, and my circumstance has not made thier life all that easy.

The children were specifically not mentioned in any of the documentation from the court - just me, the ex. I do not call the family home number, each has thier own cell phone. We have each other's e-mails.

Last edited by ddol1; 12-31-2011 at 12:51 AM. Reason: forgot
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Old 12-31-2011, 08:49 AM
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kinda sounds like ethe kids are starting to rally around you a bit, that is a good thing.
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