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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 06-09-2014, 11:43 PM
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Default Ugh

So does anyone know of a book, tape, yoga pose, alcohol that helps second partners handle watching their partner deal with the bs from their ex and/or kids?

The last two months I've watched my partner get shit on by his ex wife and 19 yo. Tonight I got angry at his "i cant lose my kid" excuse for allowing her to dictate how he will do something. Its unreasonable and its been a month-long pattern now where she demands, he stands firm, she stops speaking to him, he grovels, lather rinse repeat.

My tongue is sore from biting it. I finally got mad at his attitude. Its ok for the kids to control him? If he was still married would it be ok?

Im so frustrated. And now feeling petty myself. As in "fine, you have this messed up relationship but don't expect me to follow this dictation. Shes not the boss of me."
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:12 AM
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There is no secret. All you can do is live your own life to your own standards and realize that if you want to be with someone who has kids with another person that they are going to deal with things in their own way and there is nothing you can do about it. It's not easy but it can be done.
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:53 AM
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Personally, I feel it's very brave to take on a new partner with a HC Ex and kids.
It's a package deal - not easy and like 'Mom' would say: there will be days like this. Yoga, books, alcohol or crazy-tobaccee won't help with the frustration that you're feeling ... it is what it is - you have to try your best to make certain that your union with your spouse is separate from his past.

Easier said than done. His kids must adjust to your 'home rules' and the Ex has to learn how to stand up for himself by himself
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:33 AM
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Many couples continue their dysfunctional relationship well after they are divorced. They are so used to dealing with each other in this manner that they really don't know anything different. You partner could maybe in an ingrained behaviour mode. One part of him, the logical side, knows the manner which he relates to his ex is ineffective yet the other part of him is uncertain or unwilling to change the way he has related to her. He might simply not know how to break the cycle.

Old habits are very hard to break. You have to be willing to make the change.

Finding out if he sincerely wants to change the manner in which he relates to his ex could be a challenge for you. If he doesn't want to change things then you will have to figure out a way that you can cope and keep your personal relationship with him separate.
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Old 06-10-2014, 08:29 AM
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Perhaps suggest he speak with a counselor about what's going on, and they can explain tobhim the effects of letting the tail wag the dog, that he's not doing the kid any favours by giving in and learn about strategies to deal with it.
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Old 06-10-2014, 10:55 AM
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Thanks. He refuses therapy. That was the ex's solution to everything. He has started to deal with the ex appropriately but now the challenge is his child. Im angry with how he allows himself to be treated. Only one does this. The other one treats him great and im encouraging him to move our life closer to continue to repair the relationships with both kids. He hesitates because of the ugliness following the separation. If he wants a good relationship with his kids he has to change his behaviours and work to repair physical barriers. Theyre teenagers, they arent going to drop their lives to come visit, so lets go to them and allow for that. The emotional issues may always be there but he cant change them, he can only change his response.

I knew he had children going in and really this is not as major as it might seem. I just get upset when it becomes a pattern of beat up on dad for no reason and he sits and takes it because he feels he was wrong. I expect the ex to behave the way she does and pretty much ignore it. His responsibilities are his. They dont impact our life. I just dont like watching him hurt. But it comes with the territory.
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Old 06-10-2014, 11:07 AM
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Also sioux, he was very involved as a parent and his ex removed him from the home and cut off access to the kids (long story and she was wrong in these actions). There has been a pattern of alienation since that point and hes been trying to repair it with them. Problem is, the damage is done and his move away from the kids has had an impact. He can go far to resolve several issues with respect to distance and communication, he just cant change her mind about his role in the divorce. His lawyer and I have both discussed parental alienation with him. I will always encourage him to put his kids first, to consider their feelings, to work on resolving the issues, and to be closer to them. However I will not allow him to drag me into the self punishment he feels he deserves.
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