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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2006, 10:46 AM
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Aden is on a distinguished road
Default tough day....

I have got to get this off my chest. I am having an awful day of it today.. this has got to get better at some point...never though I could miss anything like this in my life.. ever.. my family,, my wife.. kids... our whole life..Our son called me yesterdat missing me right off the bat in the ma... and I saw him for a short time later on in the day.. he was so sad when i left him.. my ex told me that she though we could weather any storm the other day.. that our marriage could stand up to anything at all. She just does not seem to be able to look past everything- that it has gone too far.... I really thought this was going to go better.. having a really rough one today... and it appears as though I have to follow suit and go bankrupt as well.. it is one thing after the next with this, my ex looked drained yesterday. this is so hard on all involved..
I am so tired today.. of being sad..
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2006, 11:16 AM
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In-Law Trouble is on a distinguished road
Lightbulb a thought!

Aden,

Have u made up your mind for sure 2 leave your marriage? Or do u still have lingering feelings 2 want 2 be with your wife and kids? That is something u need 2 truly ask yourself. As far as from what i am hearing about your wife, i feel that she is also struggling with the same dilemma!

Even though me and my husband don't have kids yet in the picture, this whole situation 2 decide 2 walk away has been tearing us apart on the inside! Cause at the core, neither of us really wants 2 walk away from the marriage, and from all the love and good times we shared in the relationship. It was like we both brought soo much joy 2 each other's life and over time developed a strong attachment 2 one another. Despite the occasional issues we would always be able 2 pull together eventually, and find our way back 2each other and i think that is what saw us through.

I guess what i am beginning 2 see and learn from my situation, is that if u really want 2 be with someone, and it is tearing u up inside 2 imagine going on with life without them. U need 2 be able 2 look beyond the current issues, and try 2 find a way 2 be with them. When i say look beyond, meaning try 2 find some compromises along the way, but don't just throw the towel if everything doesn't fit the picture of what u had in mind. That involves sacrifice and giving in for the sake of being together. Think about it this way, that if u were miserable with them, but u r even more miserable without them. What is a better pick?

I think if u give each other another chance and just give it a try without thinking 2 much, there might be a chance that it could work out depending on your personal circumstances that is! At least then u will know, that u did give it a try and tried out that avenue and wouldn't be regretting over what could have been, had u given it another shot 2 try 2 work it out!

I don't know if any of this helps or applies 2 your situation. But, i hope it provides some help and something 2 think about!

My best wishes for u trying 2 find happiness in what is right for u,

In-Law Trouble
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2006, 12:09 PM
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Aden is on a distinguished road
Default Not yet....

I have not given up yet at all.. but she is quite upset at the mess in general, she is having trouble putting it all aside.. we had a marriage that was good.
She even told me Sunday that she thought that we could have beaten anything and made it through but she is so scared to try.. I can tell.. shes always been one to go with anger and then calm down.. but she just cannot seem to hold out for this .. I am wondering if I am fooling myself.. I am not giving up- but I don`t want to hurt myself with false hopes... each time we talk it goes so far then she backs off and goes on about me being there for the kids... people tell me that it is over and then tell me that it is not... its very hard to get ahold of it and hold onto something when it s so dark in the tunnel... I am told to just let her be and be strong,, that it will happen if it is meant` to... losing our home is devastating on top of all of this and I just think that she is having troubloe gripping onto anything good about me... shes got the kids as well.. to keep her upbeat.. I have hardly seeen them.. Ima living at my parents again.. and what i do make is going to support them.. so I am feeling quite lost in this mess....thanks alot- I wish I could encourage her with the advice you gave me.. she is just distant..
Thanks, I appreciate it ..
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2006, 04:08 PM
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In-Law Trouble is on a distinguished road
Thumbs up good luck with trying 2 reach out!

Aden,

I think that either one of the two has 2 take the initiative 2 make it work. If one is scared, hurt, upset and refuses or is not able 2 look beyond the hurt and conflict..then the other person has 2 step in and take hold of the situation and take it in the direction they want 2 go in. Sometimes U have 2 MAKE things happen..sometimes it requires a little push, initiative in the right direction 2 get things going..2 eventually make them fall into place!

Sometimes one needs 2 alter their approach; change their tactics a little bit 2get the results that they seek. Given some persistence over some time, things do come around if u keep at it, by focusing single mindedly on the goal u want 2 achieve and not letting anything detour u away from it. By learning 2 ignore the temporary disappointments, obstructions that end up being detrimental in achieving your goal.

I am telling u this having gone through this myself with my husband over almost 5 months now since we have been separated, and speaking of even as of now when i am still trying 2 work my way out of my situation and trying 2 patch up with my husband against all adversity! It is definitely an uphill climb, i won't deny that. But till u don't try out all the resources, u will never be able 2 be at peace with yourself knowing that u did in fact give it your best 2 turn things around or compromise, despite the other party's reaction.

Anyhow, that is my opinion based on what i have been through myself..and in so i can relate 2 your wife's reaction. Even though i don't know what the basis of the conflict is amongst the 2 of u and how it can be resolved. And on the other hand, i can also relate 2 what u r saying on how u feel..from hearing from what my husband has told me in the past about how the whole situation has affected him concerning us.

In the end i will leave u with something 2 think about, "It takes two 2 keep a relationship going, but it only take one 2 reignite the life back into it". Here's hoping that may we all be able 2 find our way back 2 each other that we were meant 2 be with!

Good luck with your endeavor on trying 2 reach out, get through 2 your wife through your actions! May God bless us all with wisdom 2 choose the right path for us!

Prayers from me 2 u,

In-Law Trouble
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2006, 04:14 PM
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lydster is on a distinguished road
Default It's really brutal, isn't it...

I'm sorry to hear it's a bad day... too many of those going around. None of us planned on this when we said our "i do's"! You really have to wonder sometimes just what the heck happened, eh?

This is probably a chick thing, but here's what I've been doing lately - I imagine that there's a wall of fog between me and the past, so that I if I try to look back I can't see anything at all. So, there is no past, if only for a moment. There's only now, and the potential of the future. And, the future can be anything, so why not good? Like I say, it's probably only a thing that works for girls ,but for at least a moment anyway I get freedom from dwelling on my past. I hear ya that you've got stuff right NOW to deal with.. but hang in there. I know that sounds hokey.. but really.. hang in there. As you deal with things, one by one, even if it seems to happen really slowly, eventually things do get resolved.

Good for you for coming here to vent. That's a really good thing to do. I hope that the pain fades away sooner rather than later for you and everyone involved.

Chin up,
Lydster
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2006, 03:27 PM
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Thumbs up Hi Aden

I know I'm no one to give advice (what with all the troubles I have posted) but reading through this (and other threads by you) here are my few thoughts.
If your wife is still talking to you and expressing feelings of sadness and doubt (I always thought that...) then there is always the posibility of hope. But living myself, with someone who was (so extremly) angry for so many years, may I suggest that people who are hot tempered do not like to be pushed, that sometimes only makes them more stubborn. When she says "It won't work" you say "I'm sorry you feel that way". And let it be...do not add ..I think..It can..etc. It does take two. No matter how much you alone want someone (not neccessarily someTHING) you can't force another to see your point, unless they really want to see it. SHOW her that you still care deeply.
But don't force it. She may just need some more time and space. What is ment to be is ment to be, believe me, if I could change things around me I would, but no matter what happens you (and she) have already left your mark upon this world. You have a child, and no matter where your child goes or what she does in this world she carries a peice of your soul. She would not have existed if you and her mother had not come together, and this may not end the way you want it to but sometimes it's not what we want but what we get and have to deal with that determines who we are.

You're a good man...........hold on. ..........love JO
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2006, 03:36 PM
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Smile Well don't I sound like a FOOL!

Sorry Aden I'm on dial-up out here in the country! By the time it takes me to flip back and get the facts straight I'm growing cobwebs from my nose to the monitor! You have SON not a daughter, my appologies for saying "she". I have a son and a daughter,they use to call that a "millionaire" family..(yes I know we have spell check on here but that takes a hundred years too.)

You keep your chin up.tomorrow WILL be a better day!
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2006, 07:07 PM
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Default Thank you

Very kind words... very kind.. I appreciate all yuor words... been just evry tough for me this week- I think I am just emotionally tired,.. and i have not seen our kids very much... we have two a son and a daughter as well..
Thing is , my ex knows that i am missing them terribly she knows that....
Thnak you.. I truly appreciate all your words...
Aden
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2006, 09:56 PM
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Default Oh Aden!

You have a daughter and a son!..how wonderful! Listen hon...you had a rough day...so go and draw a bath. I know.."bath's are girl things".....but trust me on this....go and draw a hot bath...put evry nice smelly thing you can find in the house in there....if you "ain't" got anything else drop about 3 tea bags...........and soak......it will get better...have good dreams.JO
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2006, 11:06 PM
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Aden is on a distinguished road
Default Thanks.....

Thanks... i appreciate that.... Im used to going for a run though.. too much freezing rain... though...thank you.......
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