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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 08-28-2013, 03:23 PM
Sax Sax is offline
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Default Tired of hearing about my ex and his crap!

So I still am hearing about my ex and all of his indiscretions. Turns out he had more affairs and was more inappropriate with women than I even imagined. Apparently everyone knew but me..... so ....

Even though I moved on and am happily engaged, from time to time my friends tell me things they hear. I don't really care - I don't feel sad BUT what does happen is the automatic emotions I felt when I was living that life come up and I get anxious.

So, this week, I have asked my "friends" to no longer tell me anything of the rumours or crap they hear about my ex. I don't live in the town where we lived, I am away from the day to day life .... I never see him .... I just don't want to know any more. I am moving on with my life and am happy and this interference in my emotional stability is too much now.

Anyone also in this same situation? Just say STOP!
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Old 08-28-2013, 04:03 PM
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You need to find new "friends".
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Old 08-28-2013, 05:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sax View Post
So I still am hearing about my ex and all of his indiscretions. Turns out he had more affairs and was more inappropriate with women than I even imagined. Apparently everyone knew but me..... so ....

Even though I moved on and am happily engaged, from time to time my friends tell me things they hear. I don't really care - I don't feel sad BUT what does happen is the automatic emotions I felt when I was living that life come up and I get anxious.

So, this week, I have asked my "friends" to no longer tell me anything of the rumours or crap they hear about my ex. I don't live in the town where we lived, I am away from the day to day life .... I never see him .... I just don't want to know any more. I am moving on with my life and am happy and this interference in my emotional stability is too much now.

Anyone also in this same situation? Just say STOP!
Ok, this may sound harsh but it is intended to be helpful not hurtfull.

You are not over it. You need to face that reality and get some help.

If you were over it you would realize that since you are no longer together, it doesn't matter whether it was once or twice or many times, because; A) you are no longer with him, b) you wouldn't take him back, c) it happened in the past. You are clearly not there yet.

You may be dating and getting serious. But you haven't moved on, and you are in serious danger of sabotaging your current relationship unless you can truly move on. You are not truly happy, because if you were this crap would roll off you like water off a ducks back.

Get some counselling. Come clean. Work through those feelings. Then you can put the past behind you, look forward and really begin a new life.
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Old 08-28-2013, 06:19 PM
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If you were over it you would realize that since you are no longer together, it doesn't matter whether it was once or twice or many times, because; A) you are no longer with him, b) you wouldn't take him back, c) it happened in the past. You are clearly not there yet.
I disagree a bit. I think getting over something isn't an event....its a process. I think its pretty normal to have the negative feelings resurface from time to time when you remember a bad marriage. It doesn't mean you're not over your ex, in my opinion.

For instance, I wasn't really emotionally connected to my ex...but I sometimes remember how overwhelmed I'd get with all the housework and yelling. I was talking to a friend last week about how often I'd clean the house all weekend, go to work on Monday, work late and come home to the house being destroyed. I was recalling how many times I burst into tears and I remembered while I was telling the story exactly how terrible and depressing my married life used to be. As time passes, I'm truly starting to forget things but it doesn't happen all at once. The last thing I'd want is anyone constantly reminding me of the insulting things my ex used to say about me in public settings.

I agree that its fine to ask your friends to stop. And you need to recognize that being in a long, bad marriage is traumatic and it takes time to reset. I would agree that counselling can certainly help for some people but ultimately its a process. Time really does heal all things and its hard to get space from it if your "friends" keep bringing it up.

There's just too many people that love gossiping about this kind of crap, ad nauseaum and I think you're right to tell them to cut it out.
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted by firhill View Post
You need to find new "friends".
Maybe, maybe not. Some of the people who are telling you all about your ex are ambulance chasers - they just want to see your reaction to how bad he was - and those people you don't need as friends. But some people who tell you unwanted details about your ex may doing so because they've known stuff about him for a while, didn't tell you before, and felt uncomfortable about keeping secrets from you. Now that you're getting divorced, they can "come clean" by getting this off their chest and out into the open (totally and completely hypothetical [!] example: seeing a friend's spouse holding hands with another woman, not wanting to tell the friend because you don't want to upset her, then once you hear the friend is divorcing, telling her about what you saw because you felt uncomfortable keeping it a secret from her).

I had several people tell me things about my ex which I didn't really want to know. However, for them it was a relief to speak openly about what they had seen. They weren't trying to be jerks.

This doesn't mean that you have to listen to all the trash talk about your ex. Regardless of your friends' motives, you have the right to say you really don't want to hear anything about him because you're focusing on the future.
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Old 09-09-2013, 02:09 PM
Sax Sax is offline
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Thanks Everyone! All good points.
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