Thoughts Please!!

[ali-gee]

My c/l husband was approached 2 years ago by a former girlfriend claiming she had his child who was now 17. My husband told me about the phone call. For the next 6 weeks I asked him if he had heard back from her, and eavh time he said "No." Exactly 6 weeks later he told me the child was his, he had been in touch with the woman, and child, been to their home twice, had a DNA test and it cam back positive that he was the father. All this behind my back. He said he was "protecting us." Since that time we have had many battles over this and the child has tried to cause trouble between us. She told me her Dad has known about her all her life, and came around to see her a few times when she was young. She then said that wasn't true. She told her Dad lies about things I said in an e-mail and he believed her without proof. He never did demand proof even though I asked him over and over to see this e-mail...It didn't exist. Anyway, I'm ready to leave this relationship as I have felt de-valued and disrespected. I cannot go on with him with this child in his life...I don't know that I want to go on either way. He maintains he did nothing wrong, but has conceded that if he had to do it over again, he'd probably do a few things different. How do I live with this huge breach of trust?

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

Ali-gee,

I think my first question would be to ask how long your relationship has been.
I too would feel betrayed had this happened to me, and because this is a hard emotion to just dust aside, it has/will interfered with your relationship and how you handle issues that arise.

Being able to trust the person you have vowed to be with yada, yada, is one of the single most important things in a relationship as it is the pivotal hinge with which all else relies.
Without this, everything is doomed to be shaky.

I think, had he kept you in the loop throughout the entire discovery period, I think you would not have lost your trust in him. I think you would have been able to sit down with him and resolve the issues that come along with this discovering because you were privy to the steps along the way. This discovery alone has to be mind boggling for him, and to have not known for 17 years must raise unlimited questions in his mind? I don’t think anyone of us can tell you what to do; only you know your level of acceptance and forgiving, and what can and cannot be forgive. We can offer you advice on similar situation and tell you what we did to make things right with us, but what is right for one person is not always the best for another. You need to ask yourself, can I forgive him for not being up front with me? Can you try to see things from his perspective? If this was turned around, (hard to do when you’re a woman as a child cannot come up without you knowing you’re the parent), but if you were in a situation where there was a possibility that the end result would be that this child was not his. I’m thinking had the child not been his, and because he felt that he was shielding you from having to deal with the uncertainty, that if the child turned out to not be his, then there would be no foul. This past girlfriend would go on with her life, the child too, and your relationship would continue. There may be a point where you’d ask again about this child, but he’d tell you that it turned out the child wasn’t his, would that have changed how you felt about him keeping the testing process from you?
I guess that’s really what I’m getting at, if the result was different, would your reaction to his “shielding” you from the process, be the same?

[ali-gee]

I have been with him for 6 years, and at that time for 4..I believe I would have felt betrayed either way. This is something you do not do behind the back of your partner...And for what reason? Was it none of my business? I have since learned that he knew of this child at the very least 10 years ago when the mother approached him then. Why she didn't persue him at that time is a mystery to me...So, I guess what I'm getting at is that he's been less than noble, and down right dishonest all the way around. Everything about the child and his handling of it was shrouded in lies, deceit, and secrecy...I feel if I stay with him, this is what my life will consist of, and has made me feel pretty bad about myself, about him, and about our relationship. I guess I am looking for some support.

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

Originally Posted by ali-gee

So, I guess what I'm getting at is that he's been less than noble, and down right dishonest all the way around. Everything about the child and his handling of it was shrouded in lies, deceit, and secrecy...I feel if I stay with him, this is what my life will consist of, and has made me feel pretty bad about myself, about him, and about our relationship. I guess I am looking for some support.

You've come to the right place for support.
With the added back ground, I don't thank anyone would feel differently then you do.
For him to have known about the child for 10 years, I would expect that at the onset of your relationship, or at the minimum, once you both took the next step of making the relationship more "permanent" that's when he should have mentioned the child, "Oh by the way, I think I have a child from one of my ex girlfriends. She contacted me a while back, but nothing ever came of it," ...something like that, so that you knew there was a child, and you were equipped to make the choice to continue on the path with this man knowing there is a possibility that there would be a child in the equation or to take a different one.

Lies by omission are sometimes just as bad or if not worse.
Sometimes the person thinks they are doing someone a favour by not telling some things they feel do not need to be told, and there are probably those people that would prefer not knowing. You do not seem like that kind of person.

If you are deciding that this is a deal breaker, I know it doesn't seem like you owe him anything with respect to upfront openness and honesty, but I'm thinking you may feel better having a serious talk with him about where you go from here. And to help yourself heal from the dishonestly, I think you need to clearly express to him how this has hurt you and your relationship with him. That any level of dishonesty is not OK with you. You may have done this on some level, but to be sure he should be clearly told what he has done is not ok with "you", and because trust is the foundation of any relationship, at this point you're not prepared to continue.

Hopefully this clears the air between the two of you.
Hopefully you both get a chance to clarify your positions in an attempt to move on from this without bitterness. Bitterness is very unhealthy and can cause more damage in future relationships if it is not addressed in the one that caused it.

[ali-gee]

Thank You so much. Support is what I definitely need. I have told him over and over ad nauseum ? about how I feel about what he has done. It has done nothing but make him lie more. For instance I will ask him if he's heard from her and he will tell me "No." Then the phone bill comes in (her cell) and there will be all kinds of calls from her to him. He says he lies because I always get mad...What he can't seem to get through his head is that I don't think it's really been the child I have resented, but his lies and secrecy surrounding her. She (the child) contacted me early this year and told me there were things her mother would like to tell me. Things got crazy after that and I told her not to e-mail me again. I so wish now that I had of talked to the mother. I'm left wondering if she had information that may have helped me make sense as to why he did things the way he did them. Was there something he desperately didn't want me to know? And even now is he willing to lose our relationship instead of "coming clean?" I've always felt there was alot more to this than what I already know.

[brandy404]

Do not live with it, get out of the relationship if you cannot forgive and forget move on. A relationship without trust is pointless and emotionally damaging. I am speaking from experience.

[ali-gee]

Thanks brandy...Is it even possible to forgive and forget if your trust has been shattered? And if you read on you'll notice that I said he continues to lie where this girl is concerned...That doesn't sound like someone who is trying to re-build does it?

[brandy404]

No, he is not trying to build trust that's why I told you to get out. But it is your life, relationship etc and I cannot tell you what to do. Looking back at my own experience I wish some one had told me to leave but would I have listened probably not. You have to decide in your own time and as tough as it may be you will find the strength to move on.