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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 05-26-2006, 09:03 PM
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Default For those, wanting to save marriage.

Here are a list of things one can do, summarized from Divorce Busting website. Details can be found in her book "The Divorce Remedy"

This is for those people wanting or attempting to save marriage ...

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

Hubby
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Old 05-30-2006, 01:41 PM
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Hubby, that's fantastic advice!!! It's that good "been there, done that" kind of advice that everyone needs.

Does anyone know how it works to quote articles like this? I'd like to post it elsewhere on the web. Can I just cut & paste and give credit the way you did?
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Old 06-03-2006, 03:09 AM
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I agree. Very good advice. And very true. Coming from a woman who has been through one divorce and is now going through another, my first husband did the opposite of just about everything on that list. All it did was push me further away from him. He would always want to talk, beg, plead. It was a huge disappointment for me to see him behave that way. He became a blubbering baby in my eyes at the time. Had he tried the things on that list, I dunno. Maybe I would have seen more of the parts of him that I fell in love with in the beginning and less of the things I had begun to dislike him for. Who knows.
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Old 06-03-2006, 06:30 PM
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I'd love to hear the opinions from other women, especially the one's who initiated the seperation/divorce process.

Hubby
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Old 06-08-2006, 09:17 AM
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Springheeled Jack is on a distinguished road
Default Good advice

Ive printed this out and Im going to stick to it, God knows Ive done everything else.

Ive stopped texting her cellphone, Ive stipped calling her. It does make things difficult that her daughter is still living at home,

Her birthday is on Saturday and I have sent her a simple card care of her mothers home.

However I am working my way up to telling my ex wife to be that either her daughter pays proper rent or she has to leave, £100 per month is a laugh. Probably $60 in your currency if that.

She doesnt thinkt hat I can tell her to leave. Well, a little dose of realism is whats needed for her!
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Old 08-05-2006, 02:14 AM
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That is such a great list, I dont agree with not asking for help though. I think that when going through a divorce or seperation, one can use all the help they can get, from whoever can help. I say use all resources available, to help you get where you need/want to be. I say never turn down help when offered the help, long as it's needed. And who doesn't need a little help? Best of luck ((((((((hugs))))))
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Old 08-31-2006, 02:54 PM
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I agree, my2suns. Everyone needs help one time or another, and especially during rough times. Thank you for the great list, it's certainly worth printing out.
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Old 10-31-2006, 11:22 AM
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I disagree with the 'idea' of a list. Some of the items are good things, but I dont think a list like this will work unless both parties are going to agree and act according to the list.

I like the "proactive" items (ie. BE patient, BE busy, etc). I don't really like the items that are encouraging INACTION, ie do not ask for help, do not schedule dates (unless this one implies dates with someone other than your spouse lol).

Alot of this list makes me think of someone "pretending not to care" so their spouse wants them back. I think this is a short term solution and will not resolve any deep marital issues....

Just my two cents.... If I had to make a list, it would contain items such as:
1) Be patient
2) Be supportive of your spouse
3) Be understanding
4) communicate your needs to your spouse

I just think its better to focus on things that you can DO rather than trying hard to 'not do' things. I think it makes people feel more in control of their lives when they are focusing on being proactive.
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Old 11-09-2006, 10:22 AM
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Default Take what you must, discard what you will

Take what you must, discard what you will.

There are many paths in life, choose what is best for you.

Peace and Love

Hubby
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Old 02-15-2007, 12:46 PM
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Default hubby

Hubby

Are you still around. I miss your great post. How is everything going?
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