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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2011, 10:06 PM
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Wretchedotis, point taken; "don't live in fear" but domestic violence is not to be compared with a guy getting bopped on the nose and shaking it off. It usually doesn't go so well for the woman if a man decides to get physical. It can be devastating and even fatal as we all know. Verbal and financial abuse is also pretty rampant. Personally. If I could have taken a punch in the face (that healed) over allll the bs I've had to put up with, I think I'd go for one good punch. Some men are very menacing and violent, especially when they've lost control of their spouse.
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Old 10-11-2011, 10:40 PM
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Bottom line, if he verbally or physically tries to abuse you, you immediately call 911. Have a backup plan if you need one. A safe place in the house with a bolt, make sure there's a phone in there...have a family member or friend that knows where you are when you're there.

I know this won't help with the fear of mistreatment but if such a thing does happen...he'll be screwing himself. You can immediately file a motion for exclusive possession of the home and he'll definitely be more likely to get that agreement signed.

I know that divorce is an intimidating, difficult thing...I've been there many times in the last year and a half but try to stick in there. Don't let him manipulate you. Stand up to him for the sake of you and your children. My very best wishes.
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Old 10-12-2011, 04:08 AM
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Thank you again for your words everyone. You are giving me the strength to do what I need to do to get out on the other side.

Fear is bad in seperation and divorce - I know that. The fear paralyzes me and prevents me at times from doing what I need to do.

I have a very good friend who knows the scoop, who worries about me tremendously, in fact was the one who convinced me to leave and get away from the abuse and insanity. I hid my life from the world for years - pretended all was happy to the outside world and painted a picture of an ideal marriage. I was not fooling the world - the number of comments like "Thank God", "What took you so long" and "I knew something was not right" in response to the news that I had taken the leap shocked me.

I have never been hit but have been in constant fear of this.

I am realizing that his actions are driven by the fact that he knows I am living in fear and knows he can get away with it.

Time for me to stand up and fight, fight, fight - face his threats head-on no matter what. Call he bluffs.
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:07 PM
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inseperationhell:

I think its fairly common in bad marriages to live a lie hoping that everyone else buys the illusion. They usually don't...and the kids usually see right through it too. One of the nicest things about divorce is that you can just stop living that way...its very liberating.

Regarding this:
Quote:
Time for me to stand up and fight, fight, fight - face his threats head-on no matter what. Call he bluffs.
Let me clarify that in my responses, I meant stand up to him legally in family court. In my opinion, under no circumstances should you fight or argue with him face-to-face. In fact, all communication that isn't regarding the household or children should cease...and that communication should be by verifiable means. I use email. I generally make sure my communications are polite, concise, and I keep records of everything I send or receive. I have suffered through having to live in the same house with my stbx for a year and a half and I cannot remember the last time we had any type of verbal communication.

Any verbal abuse or threats to you or the children should be taken very very seriously. If it happens, I would warn him either from a safe distance or from behind a locked door to stop or you will call the police...and if he continues, call them. Keep a small tape recorder or a smartphone nearby in case he starts verbally bullying you.

Otherwise, ignore him...after a while, he'll stop bothering to try to get to you when he gets no response. Stand up to him legally and eventually he'll catch on that you're not going to live in fear or be bullied.

My very best wishes.
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Old 10-12-2011, 03:08 PM
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I've seen it a few times now; here goes... what DOES "STBX" stand for? I've never seen that before (this site).. Okay, so I'm just on here totally agreeing with pursuinghappiness' points to inseparation hell.. PH is absolutely right.. communicate by email only, do not call any 'bluffs' whatsoever - and your first priority is safety. Separation and divorce brings out the volatility in a lot of people. Be safe. Think before you react; unless ofcourse it's to call the police - in that case, ofcourse, any emergency - do not pause for one second. Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship (even if it never actually got PHYSICAL) knows what you are going through. Verbal threats, humiliation, put downs are extremely damaging and meant to erode your very core. Try and think ahead; to a time when you will not have to deal with that any longer.. Freedom is not free.. but it is worth it..
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Old 10-12-2011, 03:27 PM
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STBX - Soon To Be Ex!
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Old 10-17-2011, 01:45 PM
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Tell your daughter that you love her and that the present you gave was the most you can afford.

Definitely cut off all money that you are giving him if he does not sign your separation agreement.
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Old 10-17-2011, 11:06 PM
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Thanks for everyone's words, advice and encouragement - last week was very hard on me.

As far as the seperation agreement, finances etc. -

I stood up to him on the finances - not face to face but through email with lawyers copied. He is no longer gasing up his car on my coin and gave me more cash this week towards household expenses (after a chat with his lawyer).
The seperation agreement is being officially drawn up and will be signed any day now - I insisted on a deadline for him to be out of the house. Once the agreement is signed, all of his bills will be switched to him by his lawyer. His lawyer even wanted the certified cheque from me to buy him out of the house so that his half of the debt would be paid off by the lawyers before he sees a penny!

I had a long chat with my daughter. She told me that she doesn't care about the expensive gift from him - the $20 video game I bought her was what she asked for and that was what she really wanted. She is a bright kid and once the initial glee at the laptop wore off, she saw the real deal.... She actually told me that she didn't think it was fair that Dad was buying her expensive gifts while Mom was counting pennies when grocery shopping and asked why that was - "Cause Mom...your the one working full time, all he does is play video games". I have a smart kid.

He has been warned that the cops will be called if he approaches me face to face....the locks will be changed on the house.

I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will be liberated, no longer in fear.... Planning on throwing a party to celebrate my new life. Already in the planning stage for a New Years get together - to toast in a new year and a new, abuse free life
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Old 10-17-2011, 11:15 PM
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Sounds like progress. I understand the need to celebrate but keep those plans low/private. An abuse-free life is something to look forward to, but there are other forms of abuse post-separation and you must be extra vigilant. You're rounding a corner, so to speak: but there's still a lot of variables and unknowns that remain to be seen. Don't let your guard down. You should still have a "safety plan" - and keep a close friend/neighbor in the loop. Best of luck.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2011, 09:49 AM
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Quote:
I had a long chat with my daughter....."Cause Mom...your the one working full time, all he does is play video games".
Be careful about using your child as a judge regarding who's the better parent. You do need to talk to your children about divorce but you have to engage them in a positive way. It always bothers me when I see a kid throwing one parent under a bus to make the other one feel like their the superior, better parent. Kids need both parents...even an imperfect one that plays video games. Encourage the relationship with her dad...let her know that he loves her (even if its not up to your standards), don't villify him. Your kid's role isn't to be ping-ponged back and forth between two people. If you work harder and provide that example...that's wonderful but its not a competition.

Quote:
I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will be liberated, no longer in fear.... Planning on throwing a party to celebrate my new life.
Congratulations and best wishes to you!!!! I'm in a similar situation and I'm hoping for a celebration right after the new year myself. Save me some champagne!
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