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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2014, 08:12 AM
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All of this is moot right now since he got the kiss off from her. She had told him her therapist said to just cut ties and end the relationship so she pulled the "i dont know if or when ill see you" statement. Sucks because now a visit with his 14yo is in jeopardy since they wont travel alone and the bs SA says a line about the kids having a say. Now it back to having to deal with alienation and grief over losing your kids.
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2014, 10:05 AM
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I am not saying this to be mean or rude, but maybe it is time your partner starts taking responsibility for his role in the break down of the relationship between him and his daughter.

Clearly this has been going on for some time and how he has been dealing with it has never worked. At what point has he stood back and looked at the situation. Surely the toxic relationship between him and his daughter didn't happen overnight. Maybe it is time for your partner to seek a therapist and help him become a better parent instead of a doormat to his children (as that is what he is doing by allowing his daughter to scream at him for an hour). He needs to learn the skills to deal with a teenager and it appears he doesn't have those skills. Like everything else, he can't help his daughter unless he helps himself. The therapist will be able to help him deal with his emotions and help him learn new ways of dealing with his children. He needs to learn to grow a backbone and be the parent in the relationship.

Unfortunately his child is old enough to decide if she wants to come or not and he can't blame that all on his ex, he needs to accept some of the responsibility as well.

Again, please don't take that the wrong way, but it is always easier to blame someone else (and I am sure Mom plays a huge roll) than to take responsibility.
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2014, 10:08 AM
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Insanity is repeating the samething again and expecting a different result.
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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2014, 10:12 AM
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No, no offense taken. Ive been struggling all morning with how to manage this. And by this i mean our relationship. These stresses cause ripples effects in his behaviour and it has been impacting our relationship. I cant handle it anymore and have told him he needs to see someone or he's going to lose me.
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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2014, 10:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
All of this is moot right now since he got the kiss off from her. She had told him her therapist said to just cut ties and end the relationship so she pulled the "i dont know if or when ill see you" statement. Sucks because now a visit with his 14yo is in jeopardy since they wont travel alone and the bs SA says a line about the kids having a say. Now it back to having to deal with alienation and grief over losing your kids.
The kids come as a unit? Even as teenagers? A 14-year old can't travel alone? If the SA says that they have to travel together, then he should have it reopened under the material change of circumstance that they are now old enough to visit individually and the 19-year old isn't doing so. The 19-year old's choices should not affect access to the 14-year old.

Meanwhile, the best he can do is keep sending cards and emails and so on to the 19-year old and hope she matures and comes around, especially if the 14-year old provides an alternate perspective on his behaviour to the mother's.
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Old 07-21-2014, 10:36 AM
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Hes going to ask her about coming and see if they can work it out so shes comfortable but shes already told him she isnt sure about traveling via train alone when he discussed this fall when the older one goes away to school. And the sa said visitation is up to them and their schedules. His lawyer has already told him trying to force it is a losing battle since the court will recognize her feelings on it and he has no proof his ex is manipulating her into saying no. That child is the fence sitter. Stays out of it, talks to him on a regular basis, ignores the bs between him and her sister.
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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2014, 10:44 AM
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And the other thing is, she only has to pay one third of the costs. Shes pissed about that. Hes apologized repeatedly for the divorce and the situation it left them in, not enough. Its been made clear that they dont believe he deserved anything. Her attitude is that she shouldnt have to pay for ANYTHING.

He doesnt believe its her business to know what happened between he and her mother or what happened through the divorce other than he is there for them, he supports them, and he will continue to provide for them. It just becomes a continuous blame game for everything that goes "wrong" in their life.
I've resisted talking in any detail about the details. My ex on the other hand gave the kids a copy of the separation agreement. It didn't work out as bad as it sounds, they then understood how much money was going their way and it made me living in a basement more plausable.

I too have a daughter going to university this fall. She took a victory lap, finished that in January with the intention of finding a job and saving up. It didn't happen. I know she did walk the mall and hand out applications. But at the same time McDonalds and Tim Hortons were hiring. Last year her summer job was at a one week kids music camp run by my GF.

I've tried many times to instill in her a work ethic. I have mentioned over and over that I was making my own spending money by 14, buying my own clothes etc. That I paid virtually all of my university, with OSAP and hard work (my parents gave me a hundred here or there). I've encouraged her to treat job hunting like a job - 8 hours a day of effort etc. But I'm afraid her mother's example is still too well set.

So long story short, she still isn't working. She applied for OSAP just before the deadline. And she thinks it will all magically fall into place. I've already said that I can't afford to do more than I am, and I really can't.

Luckily my youngest is not following the same path. She got a job with the city last winter working for parks and rec, and though she couldn't find a paying job this summer, she is volunteering at a kids camp. Took her shopping on the weekend on a break from camp and she insisted on paying for her own purchases herself, I offered, she refused. She gets it, at 16.
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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2014, 11:41 AM
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He doesnt believe in discussing the details with them and its actually in the agreement they wont do it. But d19 has told him she read the agreement, shes talked to her mothers family and she "knows" what happened. No matter what he says it doesnt sway her.
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2014, 12:06 PM
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Quote:
He doesnt believe in discussing the details with them and its actually in the agreement they wont do it. But d19 has told him she read the agreement, shes talked to her mothers family and she "knows" what happened. No matter what he says it doesnt sway her.
Lol, karma - haha
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2014, 07:00 PM
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Lol, karma - haha
wow uncalled for.
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