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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 07-19-2014, 08:46 PM
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He doesnt believe its her business to know what happened between he and her mother or what happened through the divorce other than he is there for them, he supports them, and he will continue to provide for them. It just becomes a continuous blame game for everything that goes "wrong" in their life.
The fact he doesn't believe its their business is wrong in my opinion - when you divorce you destroy the family. The members have a rights to know when age appropriate.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 07-20-2014, 12:18 AM
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Rockscan - admirable you are standing by your man but do realize that the information you have about the demise of the marriage is information your partner has told you.

The daughter is also biased because she has been bombarded with the mother's version of events.

Everyone has their own 'theory' of what went down and the reason for the marriage failing. Chances are that no one, including the two people who were married, know or understand the reason for the divorce.

One thing that is certain is that divorce is costly. Most people have to scale back spending in a big way. When kids are going through school parents want to do what they can to help as they know the kids are on the verge of starting their own lives. Parents tend to feel guilty and often think that had the marriage not failed there would be more money for things and kids would be happier. Of course this is not the case but rather something that the little "guilt boxes" instil in us the day they are born.

Often kids/young adults compare their lives with friends who have intact families and who seemingly don't have any financial worries. This is a pretty normal thing. Kids learn, early on during parent's separation, how to play the guilt card.

Everyone's family dynamics are different. Some people at 19 are much more mature than others and can have an intelligent, adult conversation about finances. Other young adults are emotionally immature and are still living in the "me me me" world. I don't think there is any hard and fast rule here on whether or not to talk to your family members about finances. Probably much depends upon how the two people have recovered from their divorce. If someone is carrying around alot of emotional baggage, and weighed down with financial strain, then it stands to reason that facts will get skewed as emotions heat up.

The young girl in question is probably not stupid. She might be emotionally hurting at this time but if the father does decide to discuss finances with her he should be honest with her.

I really don't see any good coming out of this though. Would likely come down to a mud slinging conversation with the daughter vigorously defending her mother.
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Old 07-20-2014, 12:09 PM
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I love how we consider 19 legally an adult, when most 19 year olds are entrenched in the protracted adolescence society forces them into.

All your partner can do is stay calm with his daughter, assure her that he loves her, remind her that there's a reason that he and her mother are no longer together and that it had a lot to do with disagreements. It's no surprise that her mother continues to disagree with his side. Expressing an understanding of her mother's point of view, even briefly with no details, may defuse some anger and help his daughter understand that the truth may lie somewhere outside her mother's opinion.

He could express pride that she's interested in law school, as the family law system does have flaws, even if they aren't the ones she's focused on. He can be encouraging of her ambition, and tell her it sounds like she has the passion and drive required to succeed and maybe affect those laws someday (reframing her anger and tantrum behaviour - lol). However, his equalization was done properly by current law, and his contributions to her education are being done properly by current law.

That said, he's got to show that he's on his daughter's side about her education, or he'll lose her completely. Perhaps he could do things like get her gift cards to the campus bookstore on special occasions. A bit of additional, indirect, help like this for her education may show his sincerity to her without setting precedents for him paying more than his proportional share.
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Old 07-20-2014, 03:09 PM
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My partner takes on his share of blame for what happened. I know that hes at fault for a certain percentage of it. Im not naive enough to believe hes a good man who was screwed over. What I dont agree with is his ex placing all the blame on him to the kids. His daughter has been led to believe he was a monster who abused her mother and took all her money. Ive learned from his behaviours in situations with me both conscious and unconscious that there is more to what happened in their marriage. So im willing to give them both a pass on what went wrong.

His daughter has shown a level of immaturity and entitlement that has helped create this situation. She had to get a job, she had to apply for osap, shes had to take responsibility for her future.

He is taking responsibility for his portion, is supporting her, tries very hard to have a relationship with her but until she lets go of her anger about things that she doesnt understand, its a struggle. She doesnt need to fight her mothers battles but she constantly feels the need to do so which puts a strain on her relationship with her father. It always comes back to "my life sucks because you took moms money". Why he has to keep justifying the equalization is beyond me. Why shouldnt kids have a part time job? Why shouldnt they have to take responsibility for some of their expenses?

He has bent over backwards for his kids. The last year hes been played so much. Paid for train/bus tickets and then had the trip cancelled, school photos, gave money for expensive school supplies that went elsewhere...hes the bad guy no matter what he says or does. All because mom had to pay him an equalization.
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Old 07-20-2014, 03:32 PM
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This sounds like a case of big girl pants to me. She has to work to pay for her university education? She has to apply for OSAP? Cry me a river. I did both, and I was paying for a whole lot more than a third of my tuition.

I agree with an earlier poster who said that parent-child respect was part of the issue here. If her father lets her yell at him for an hour, he's teaching her that this behavior is okay. He needs to walk away from these situations.

I suggest staying on a couple of key messages:

1. Divorce is between the parents. It is not open for discussion with children. Ever. The end.
2. Divorce causes financial hardships for everyone. Everybody has to adjust their expectations and contributions. This is called Life.
3. Mom and dad have different perspectives on the divorce. Dad is not going to argue with or comment on mom's perspective.
4. No matter what, mom and dad both love D19.
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Old 07-20-2014, 03:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
It always comes back to "my life sucks because you took moms money".
Sure, kid, you feel that your life sucks. What are YOU going to do to change that around?

I think he's just got to wait for her to develop some maturity and sense of self-responsibility. Does she also whine when she gets bad marks about how her mom didn't make her study enough? University is going to be an eye-opener for her.

I think what may be effective for him (or not, it's not like I have any recent direct experience with teenagers) is to just say that the topic of the divorce is not going to be raised between them again for another year or something. Then every time she tries to complain about it, he can just remind her to table her thoughts until X date, and change the subject. Then on the appointed date, when she's hopefully matured a little, they can have a long discussion in which the daughter vents and the father answers any questions she may have. She may get the mistaken impression that he'd be open to talking about money on that date, but if it leads to a year of peaceful interaction, she might mature some and learn to appreciate him as a person and he may be happy to help her out by then.

Honestly, 99% of teenagers think their life sucks, no matter how easy and good they have it. Here though, the daughter has latched onto her father as a target for blame, and because he loves her, he's uniquely vulnerable to guilt tactics. She believes she can pressure him with her tantrums into doing one action (presumably it's giving her mother or her some theoretical sum of money) that will magically and dramatically change her life around for the better. I wonder if he can manipulate this greed to his advantage somehow. Maybe he can say that if she stops complaining and behaving this way and starts treating him with respect as a parent, he'll match her earnings up to $100 a month or something towards her tuition (and then pay the university directly, not to her) for every month they don't argue about the divorce.

Last edited by Rioe; 07-20-2014 at 04:15 PM.
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Old 07-20-2014, 04:12 PM
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Quote:
1. Divorce is between the parents. It is not open for discussion with children. Ever. The end.
This PC BS - Divorce effects the entire family and while a single parent has the say on if there is a divorce the Divorce is between the family not the parents.

Quote:
2. Divorce causes financial hardships for everyone. Everybody has to adjust their expectations and contributions. This is called Life.
Sure but why should your kid suffer for your or your ex's decisions - that is practically the basis of child support you know.

Quote:
3. Mom and dad have different perspectives on the divorce. Dad is not going to argue with or comment on mom's perspective.
Sure treat the 19yr old like nothing and die by your own sword. You have to respect the divorce affected the child and they had a stake in it.
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 07-20-2014, 04:14 PM
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I feel sorry for a lot of you that just because YOU didn't have somethign that you don't feel any obligation to provide your children with that.

In this highly competitive world not having to pay for your education alone helps.

What is the point of saying I want to raise good kids when you fail in getting them an education.
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 07-20-2014, 04:49 PM
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Nowhere did I say he wasnt paying. She is bitching about having to pay her 1/3. Shes complaining about having to work a part time job. She then ties it back to the equalization and loans mom had to get to buy him out of the house. Reasoning with someone with little maturity will only distance them further. He will tell her his truth when he knows shes ready to hear it. Right now she hasnt experienced an adult relationship or adult responsibilities. Shes not going to understand why they werent right for each other or why they both were so miserable.
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Old 07-20-2014, 04:58 PM
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It sounds like your partner is on the right track. D19 does not sounds mature enough to have an adult discussion about finances with, or to understand why she can't have all the details about her parents' divorce. Maybe in a few years she will understand why she isn't entitled to know everything about the divorce, or she may even come to appreciate her father's refusal to dish the dirt on the marriage (unlike her mother). For now, probably the best her father can do is to say "this topic is not open for discussion" and change the subject. If her parents are both contributing their share to her education, working part-time in a deli to pay for her share of university education is not a hardship. It sounds like she's still stuck in the "I hate you, you're responsible for ruining my life" phase that all teenagers go through, whether or not their parents are together.
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