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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 05-14-2015, 11:08 AM
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Default STBX..saying she had an affair and 2 days later she denies it

So..i have been writing my case in different categories in this very helpful forum..i am coming to terms with the separation and dealing with a control freak in this matter..the thoughts that I can't overcome is her admitting to having an affair with someone 2 years ago(she made us friends with his family to the point of me helping the guy she had an affair with) to the point she started breaking down and crying confessing about it.

The next day she tells me he tried to have an affair and she stopped him and her confessions were not true.

The feeling of being fooled gets me to be angry to the point that I want to destroy the guy she had an affair with family.

2 years ago, I found text messages going back and forth. Nothing sexting. I questioned and the answer I got is that there is nothing going on.

Any suggestions on how to ignore these thoughts mentally in order to move on and be a better co-parent Dad for the kids?
Any after affair coping mechanism?
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Old 05-14-2015, 11:40 AM
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Sorry about what you're going through, not easy to deal with at all. Simply put, the so-called affair happened in the past and has to stay there. You have to find a way to love your children more than you hate/dislike the ex.

You two loved each other at one point, brought children into the world and now whatever you had is over --- Whatever wrongs your ex committed, I'm sure she loves the kidlets as much as you do, deal with it from that point of view.

You'll probably never get the truth about what happened, so take the high road and let it go ... don't let your bitterness affect your parenting.
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Old 05-14-2015, 11:48 AM
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Understand that love, sex, emotions, and point of view all combine differently in all of us at different times and circumstances to produce actions, feelings, and issues that sometimes just feel right at the time. Sometimes there is regret, or unresolved feelings, confusion, and/or just indifference/non-importance to past actions (like an high school love, just part of your accepted past) .

The reality is that everyone is just trying their best with life as they see it.

The problem with most emotional stress (that we blame on others) is the personal twist we put on it ourselves. We can end up taking some things incredibly personal (and there is a personal aspect granted), but we let it define ourselves, which is a mistake.

You are you, everyone else is an individual as well, and we all see life differently and handle emotions and feelings based on our own past experiences. The statement, "it seemed right at the time" or " I thought that's what I wanted" are not excuses, it is simply an explanation or more bluntly, a fact of life.

There is evil in life, but in most cases, life just consists of people doing the best they can and can not be taken as a reflection of your worth.

Life is not easy, for anyone, at one point of time or another.

Last edited by piggybanktoex; 05-14-2015 at 11:50 AM.
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Old 05-14-2015, 12:32 PM
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Your partner having an affair with someone is something that is beyond your control. You cannot change what is. You cannot rationalize this. You cannot "right" a "wrong" - it is what it is.
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Old 05-14-2015, 01:46 PM
Hand of Justice
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take a chalkboard and write "my ex-wife had an affair" then erase it... that is how much it matters. Its like getting a traffic ticket, it happens.
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Old 05-14-2015, 11:57 PM
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You might find this read below helpful. It is a crazy time...but you have to go through it to get to the other side. It's not a traffic ticket...anyone who tells you this has never experienced the betrayal that an affair brings. All of your emotions are normal. You will progress thru distinct phases and with a little luck come out the other side stronger and healthier. Hang in there.
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Old 05-15-2015, 09:51 PM
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I caught my wife topless sexting her cousin from my daughter's bed while my daughter was sleeping next to her. I know what I am talking about
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