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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 04:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by caranna View Post
It didn't take long for us to stray from your "Spiritual Divorce" post, Janibel.

oink, I haven't tried hot yoga, but had seriously considered taking a martial arts course and gun training.
I would heartily endorse martial arts as an exercise regime. It can help with good exercise, help gain confidence, help with mental focus. It certainly help me in my teens and twenties deal with some anger issues.
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Old 11-05-2013, 05:16 PM
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Originally Posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
I would heartily endorse martial arts as an exercise regime. It can help with good exercise, help gain confidence, help with mental focus. It certainly help me in my teens and twenties deal with some anger issues.
Thanks DDad, that sounds encouraging. Sounds like it would really be a benefit as I do try and exercise, gain confidence, keep my brain active and deal with occasional anger!
  #23 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 07:24 PM
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Originally Posted by HappyMomma View Post
How does one know if you've forgiven the ex? I haven't really thought about it. Maybe I need too.

How do you forgive someone when they're a constantly a dick? Do you forgive them for being a dick during the relationship and just try to ignore the new constant dickness? Or do you forgive them for each and every dick move as it occurs?

Not trying to be silly here - genuinely considering how this would work.
Excellent Question. I'm wondering exactly the same.
  #24 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 07:32 PM
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the thing is if your ex is a dick, they probably were one when you first met them. Its a case of love is blind. A person just has to accept that.
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Old 11-05-2013, 07:44 PM
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Yes, they may have been a dick when you met them, but they probably weren't being a dick to you - therefore making it very difficult to assess the level of dick you are dealing with.

My ex is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He is a chameleon - can genuinely charm anyone all the time. It is incredibly frustrating to watch people fall for his crap hook, line and sinker. OCL investigator fell for it, his parents fell for it (they fund his legal battles) and the mother of his other child fell for it. Even my parents fell for it. My initial please for help to my dad weren't believed - it took something terrible for people to finally hear me.

The concept of forgiveness is odd to me. It was something I was taught was "earned". If you did something wrong that required forgiveness you had to do something to demonstrate you deserved it, even if it is just an apology.

But, the idea of being able to let all the baggage go is very appealing to me as well.

I'm going to have to work through this forgiveness thing for my own sake.
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Old 11-05-2013, 07:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
the thing is if your ex is a dick, they probably were one when you first met them. Its a case of love is blind. A person just has to accept that.
I've accepted that he is a dick, a thief, a thug and a liar. Too bad I didn't "see" the red flags before marriage. They were subtle, but they were there. I am just very thankful for having that moment of clarity to finally extricate myself from the marriage.

I'm the first to admit that I was indeed blind. In fact, when I wrote my story, the word "blinded" was the first word in the heading.

MS Mom, my ex was, like yours, very charming to others. He had that persona
of being very agreeable and nice to people he met, although he didn't have any friends.
  #27 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 08:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyMomma View Post
I second that.

How does one know if you've forgiven the ex? I haven't really thought about it. Maybe I need too.

How do you forgive someone when they're a constantly a dick? Do you forgive them for being a dick during the relationship and just try to ignore the new constant dickness? Or do you forgive them for each and every dick move as it occurs?

Not trying to be silly here - genuinely considering how this would work.
After reading your question, I started to wonder and did some googling. This really great article came up: 5 Ways to Tell If You’ve Forgiven Someone | Ron Edmondson

Quote:
Here are 5 ways to tell if you’ve forgiven someone:

When the first thought you have about them is not the injury they caused in your life. You should be able to have normal thoughts about the person occasionally. Remember, you are dropping the right to get even; the grudge you held against them.

Ask yourself: Would you help them if you knew they were in trouble and you had the ability? Most likely this is someone you once cared about…perhaps even loved. You would have assisted them if they needed help. While I’m not suggesting you would subject yourself to abuse or further harm, that you are obligated to help them, or even that you should, but would you in your heart want to see them prosper or see them come to harm?

Can you think positive thoughts about this person? Again, you’ve likely been on positive terms with this person or in a close enough relationship for them to injure you to this extreme. Is there anything good you can come up with about them? If not, have your really forgiven them?

Do you still think of getting even with the person? There may be consequences that need to come for this person and you may have to see them through to protect others, but does your heart want to hurt them? If so, would you call this forgiveness?

When you have stopped looking for them to fail. If you have truly forgiven someone, then just like you would for anyone else, you would want them to succeed or at least do better in life. Forgiveness means you’ve stopped keeping a record of the person’s wrongs.
There are some great follow up articles at the bottom as well, worth a read!
  #28 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 08:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by caranna View Post
I've accepted that he is a dick, a thief, a thug and a liar. Too bad I didn't "see" the red flags before marriage. They were subtle, but they were there. I am just very thankful for having that moment of clarity to finally extricate myself from the marriage.

I'm the first to admit that I was indeed blind. In fact, when I wrote my story, the word "blinded" was the first word in the heading.

MS Mom, my ex was, like yours, very charming to others. He had that persona
of being very agreeable and nice to people he met, although he didn't have any friends.
Oh, I accepted all of those negative traits as what they are. The relationship did cause some damage that I'm still suffering. I have a difficult time trusting people, I'm always trying to anticipate the next move - like if I get ahead of him I may stand a chance. I'm not shocked when he pulls a trick, I'm not surprised when he is unreasonable, I don't get surprised by his accusations, and I fully expect him to disagree.

My ex is an escalated software support specialist. He treats every conversation, every correspondence like a support call. He'll call you for everything in an email, and end it with "Have a Nice Day".

I'm just not sure I can forgive the way he has treated our daughter. But, maybe that's for her to forgive. I'm not sure.....

Something to think on.
  #29 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 08:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MS Mom View Post
The concept of forgiveness is odd to me. It was something I was taught was "earned". If you did something wrong that required forgiveness you had to do something to demonstrate you deserved it, even if it is just an apology.
I agree with you here. How can you forgive someone who isn't sorry for hurting you? Who doesn't regret their actions, who doesn't even understand they did something wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
After reading your question, I started to wonder and did some googling. This really great article came up: 5 Ways to Tell If You’ve Forgiven Someone | Ron Edmondson

Here are 5 ways to tell if you’ve forgiven someone:


When the first thought you have about them is not the injury they caused in your life. You should be able to have normal thoughts about the person occasionally. Remember, you are dropping the right to get even; the grudge you held against them.

Ask yourself: Would you help them if you knew they were in trouble and you had the ability? Most likely this is someone you once cared about…perhaps even loved. You would have assisted them if they needed help. While I’m not suggesting you would subject yourself to abuse or further harm, that you are obligated to help them, or even that you should, but would you in your heart want to see them prosper or see them come to harm?

Can you think positive thoughts about this person? Again, you’ve likely been on positive terms with this person or in a close enough relationship for them to injure you to this extreme. Is there anything good you can come up with about them? If not, have your really forgiven them?

Do you still think of getting even with the person? There may be consequences that need to come for this person and you may have to see them through to protect others, but does your heart want to hurt them? If so, would you call this forgiveness?

When you have stopped looking for them to fail. If you have truly forgiven someone, then just like you would for anyone else, you would want them to succeed or at least do better in life. Forgiveness means you’ve stopped keeping a record of the person’s wrongs.
I see that more as simply letting time pass and not holding a grudge. It's more passive than I usually associate with forgiveness. As noted above, forgiveness is more about accepting an apology, not just waiting for hurt and anger to fade.
  #30 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 08:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
I agree with you here. How can you forgive someone who isn't sorry for hurting you? Who doesn't regret their actions, who doesn't even understand they did something wrong?
Depends on your reason for forgiving them, I guess. Are you doing it for them, or for yourself?
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