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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by HappyMomma View Post
I second that.

How does one know if you've forgiven the ex? I haven't really thought about it. Maybe I need too.

How do you forgive someone when they're a constantly a dick? Do you forgive them for being a dick during the relationship and just try to ignore the new constant dickness? Or do you forgive them for each and every dick move as it occurs?

Not trying to be silly here - genuinely considering how this would work.
My ex told me she forgave me at one point and then waited for me to return the favour, which I did to keep peace. But her later actions showed otherwise. She was as deceptive and slippery as ever.

I think forgiveness comes by acknowledging that we are all human and imperfect, and at times we get caught up in things and emotions rule instead of logic. I can forgive because I can acknowledge that both of us were responsible for the relationship, both of us played a role in its demise, neither of us were blameless. It is much easier to forgive when both parties have come to that point and both take responsibility, but it isn't absolutely necessary.

Forgiveness takes a great weight off your shoulders. It is at the same time selfless and selfish. And it is the key to moving forward with your life, because until you can forgive, you aren't finished with that relationship, and you can't devote yourself to a new one with all your heart.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 11:18 AM
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Oldest trick in the book, can't belive you didn't see that coming DTD? You got pawnd bruv'er
Of course I saw it coming. It was entirely consistent with her behaviour over many years, and she is mentally ill. But the issues she messed me up with were ones she had control over anyway.

1) Proceeds of the house - as the sole income earner (not willingly) all the debts were in my name, and I asked for the money to be split 50/50 upon close so I could pay off the debts. She agreed in email, then two days before close, the RE lawyer informed me it would be held in trust as per her instructions. She then stated it would stay in trust until we had a signed agreement(something we had been working on for 9 months). But really either party can direct the lawyer to do that, there is nothing to stop them. I didn't expect that, but I did expect tricks, and pressure to concede some items on the SA.

2) FRO. The agreement stated that we would not use FRO unless I was in arrears by 60 days. Two weeks after the agreement was signed, she sent it to FRO(where it took them 90 days to contact me). With someone that tricky, it might actually be better to be with FRO - it seemed to have helped when my son moved out of her place and in with me that FRO called her, found her unco-operative and ruled for me in the space of 6 weeks, probably faster than the courts would have. Again, if one party submits to FRO, there is nothing the other party can do to stop it.
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 11:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyMomma View Post
I second that.

How does one know if you've forgiven the ex? I haven't really thought about it. Maybe I need too.

How do you forgive someone when they're a constantly a dick? Do you forgive them for being a dick during the relationship and just try to ignore the new constant dickness? Or do you forgive them for each and every dick move as it occurs?

Not trying to be silly here - genuinely considering how this would work.
It took me awhile to learn this, but when I did, my focus changed from having almost obsessive thoughts about his horrendous abuse to just letting go of the past. If I give energy to the past and keep alive the all hurtful things, it simply weakens whatever resolve I have to work towards a better future. Maybe this means I have forgiven him.

I let go. It was one of the most freeing things that ever happened. To let go of the past also meant to let go of striving to be "perfect", which meant letting go of trivial details that were hindering the present.

So even though he throws some really nasty stuff at me, I have learned to deal with them differently, with less emotion and more practicality.

Last edited by caranna; 11-05-2013 at 11:28 AM.
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Old 11-05-2013, 11:29 AM
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I personally think we should start naming and shaming these crazies, so that someone else doesn't fall to their antics

Talk about being a calculating xxxxxx. It will always be better to deal 3rd parties and financial institutions, than we an EX who is loco about money
Well I wouldn't name her and shame her, it might not be in my best interests, as she is engaged, and that might hinder her upcoming nuptuals.

There is the slightest possiblity that she may have decided to turn over a new leaf with the new guy, so who am I to say anything. I wouldn't lie to him, but I wouldn't share anything either, if it ever came up.
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Old 11-05-2013, 11:54 AM
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Originally Posted by caranna View Post
.

So even though he throws some really nasty stuff at me, I have learned to deal with them differently, with less emotion and more practicality.
I've learned to expect nastyness, lies and BS from my ex and so has my lawyer. In the beginning I was very upset at not having the benefit of mediation - now I'm thankful for it. Zero contact means zero chance of him playing with my nerves.

If by some miracle of fate, he does a 360 and starts behaving in an honorable straightforward way, THAT would be a shock to me
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Old 11-05-2013, 12:18 PM
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It will always be better to deal 3rd parties and financial institutions, than we an EX who is loco about money
Here's my list of 3rd party pros. needed to deal with my ex:

1 - interpreter (when angry ex loses the ability to speak intelligently)

2 - body guard (to protect my tiny lawyer against physical assault by ex)

3 - psychiatrist (to assist ex in dealing with his anger issues)

4 - doctor (to administer to ex proper dosage of tranquillizers during trial)

5 - Catholic priest (to cleanse the courtroom of all 'tabarnac' and other French Canadian curses)
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
Here's my list of 3rd party pros. needed to deal with my ex:

1 - interpreter (when angry ex loses the ability to speak intelligently)

2 - body guard (to protect my tiny lawyer against physical assault by ex)

3 - psychiatrist (to assist ex in dealing with his anger issues)

4 - doctor (to administer to ex proper dosage of tranquillizers during trial)

5 - Catholic priest (to cleanse the courtroom of all 'tabarnac' and other French Canadian curses)
Janibel, I hear you and can't help but chuckle. I would add to your list a muzzle over my ex's mouth so that he wouldn't interrupt the judge as he tried to do twice at the case conference last summer. He wouldn't dare try to attack my lawyer but I wouldn't refuse a body guard for myself. As for the priest, he is not Roman Catholic, but it doesn't seem out of place to consult a minister on the matter of exorcising him. Lol.
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 01:26 PM
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Originally Posted by caranna View Post
As for the priest, he is not Roman Catholic, but it doesn't seem out of place to consult a minister on the matter of exorcising him. Lol.
I have mental images of the upcoming trial - judge's podium starts to rumble and shake - ex standing there, head starts spinning - vomiting French Canadian pea soup and calling on every saint in the Bible! should be interesting?
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 01:40 PM
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It didn't take long for us to stray from your "Spiritual Divorce" post, Janibel.

oink, I haven't tried hot yoga, but had seriously considered taking a martial arts course and gun training.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2013, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by oink View Post
And perhaps lead to a possible get back together? Just saying madame'. lol



You make it sound like he is a horse?



a) Just shoot me now .....
b) How dare you insult horses!!!!
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