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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2014, 08:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by divorcing mama View Post
my situation might be unique

-ex never participated in baby care
-abandoned us in the hospital
-forcing me to do things that i physically couldn't when we got home
-screaming and yelling at me in front of the baby
-sleeping through all the visits by public health staff and paid professional
-not allowing me ask for help from close family and friends
-playing video games/inviting friends over late at night for drinks/playing golf the first day after we came home from hospital, which I had to take baby back to re-check alone
-not helping out house work and pressuring me to do it
-not willing to hold the baby more than 2 minute
-physically removing the baby from me if I cry from his yelling
-did not let me have the baby sleep close to me- MUST in baby's own room
-did not let me have the baby fall asleep in my bed-because his mother said so
-pressured me to have circumcision for our son altho i wasn't comfortable
-other things i m weary of disclosing because of confidentiality


I left to seek support from family member, NOT to divorce or anything....but the marriage counsellor, CAS and public health staff talked me into my senses and something clicked..


I was planning to go home after the weekend but that never happened because he started threatening me.
This sounds like very bad behavior on the part of your ex and difficult to live with - but it's in the past and you have to think about the future now. Nothing that you've said here suggests that he shouldn't play an equal role in parenting the child. He may be a jerk and you may dislike him intensely, but he is still the child's father. Your feelings about him as a spouse (bad, lousy) have to be separated from your ability to co-operate with him as a co-parent. This is one of the hardest things to do when divorcing.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2014, 08:49 PM
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Careful, Pursuinghappiness, divorcingmama might complain to the other members that you're being mean to her, even though you're just telling her things that she doesn't want to here.
Perhaps she will but I'm not trying to be mean, in fact quite the opposite.

One of the most important lessons that I learned during divorce was to be fair and reasonable despite all the goading from my ex which could have led me to stoop to his level and do the wrong thing. The very first thing that I did was to ensure that we both had equal time with our child. For her sake more than ours.

I also read this forum and learned that in a divorce, the first person's behavior you need to examine isn't your ex's...its your own. When you are doing the wrong thing, you don't seek validation...you own up to what you are doing wrong and try to do better. And in doing so, you'll have a better result in court.

I also doubt that she wants to hear my opinion because it doesn't go along with her version of reality...but this is a public forum so I'll state it anyway and happily take my lumps from the "victimized" crowd...cause I'm a pain like that.

Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 11-06-2014 at 09:01 PM.
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2014, 08:59 PM
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Quote:
my situation might be unique

-ex never participated in baby care
-abandoned us in the hospital
-forcing me to do things that i physically couldn't when we got home
-screaming and yelling at me in front of the baby
-sleeping through all the visits by public health staff and paid professional
-not allowing me ask for help from close family and friends
-playing video games/inviting friends over late at night for drinks/playing golf the first day after we came home from hospital, which I had to take baby back to re-check alone
-not helping out house work and pressuring me to do it
-not willing to hold the baby more than 2 minute
-physically removing the baby from me if I cry from his yelling
-did not let me have the baby sleep close to me- MUST in baby's own room
-did not let me have the baby fall asleep in my bed-because his mother said so
-pressured me to have circumcision for our son altho i wasn't comfortable
-other things i m weary of disclosing because of confidentiality
Your situation is not unique. Bad relationships that end in divorce are just that...bad.

First of all. Your child is very young so I find it hard to believe that you've established that he never participated in baby care in that small amount of time.

The rest of everything else you posted is run-of-the-mill, standard complaints between fighting spouses. Most divorcing people don't agree on the division of household duties, division of parenting time, and often have differing viewpoints on child rearing and parenting. There is absolutely NOTHING special about this which would justify denying parental rights to your ex spouse.

Let me also tell you that when someone is in a bad marital relationship it often translates into their relationships with others. Miserable people in miserable marriages are often worse mothers, fathers, sisters, aunts, daughters, friends, etc. than they'd be if they weren't be drained from the crappy relationship they were in.

So there's no telling what kind of father your ex would be. Maybe he was so tired of dealing with you that he couldn't parent effectively. I'd imagine that since you're away from him and the conflict of your relationship, its easier for you to concentrate on your baby.

The bottom line is that you are not being fair. And you're not just being unfair to your ex...which must be horrible for him...you're also not being fair to your baby.

I'm sure he has equally bad things to say about you so just for a second, imagine if he took your child away from you with exactly the same logic you've used. How would you feel right now?
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  #14 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2014, 09:02 PM
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No pursuinghappiness I didn't think you were mean or anything.

I actually read through what you were saying quite carefully. I find truth in it. But again my case is very unique.

I think there are lots of supportive dads and they probably have contributed equal or even more to the children's lives in some cases. But do realize that there are exception.

My whole reason for divorce was actually for the child. It was not fair for the child to be living in such a hostile environment and I couldn't possibly provide the best care. Of course, you brought a valid point- I don't have the right to take the baby with me. I wasn't aware of any legal information when I left, now I know, but it is too hard to go back and change anything. Right now I just really want to have a solution. I did, try to talk to the ex about plans but nothing went too well since he was so hurt that I broke off the marriage and that hurt his parents a lot. And his parents are pushing him to go to court to get back at me.

I am not a victim but I do feel the lack of information and knowledge sometimes. I go out there to seek and it is hard to filter all the suggestions.....they can be completely contradicting and believe me I have been so frustrated with it.

Another thing is when I go seek help, people rarely follow through my entire case. They kinda stop at some point and imply that I am on my own. So I kinda have to explain my story every time when I try to ask for help....it is very daunting and draining..
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  #15 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2014, 09:06 PM
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Honestly at the point when I was leaving, I just think the conflict needed to stop. So I asked him if he could leave that day to stay somewhere else, he said no. I then said I was gonna go. He passed me the baby. simple like that.

What would other people do in my situation? Of course there was also police involvement prior and suggestion from HCP to go to shelters and call CAS...
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  #16 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2014, 09:07 PM
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Quote:
This sounds like very bad behavior on the part of your ex and difficult to live with - but it's in the past and you have to think about the future now. Nothing that you've said here suggests that he shouldn't play an equal role in parenting the child. He may be a jerk and you may dislike him intensely, but he is still the child's father. Your feelings about him as a spouse (bad, lousy) have to be separated from your ability to co-operate with him as a co-parent. This is one of the hardest things to do when divorcing.
I agree. I think its easier to do if you can really focus on your kids and what they need to transition through a divorce.
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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2014, 09:11 PM
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Which part of my story has made you guys think I don't want him to be involved with the baby? I would try to look at it closely.

In fact, I had tried many ways to get him involved. I invited a lactation consultant to help us, he wasn't happy with it and did not want to be there. Public health staff came and he would sleep through, I had to wake him up a few times just to get him to listen to some parenting tips.

After I left I invited him to come and spend time with the child at the baby play group- denied.

Oh! I also suggested him to self refer to a public health nurse and have someone to help him if he has any questions about infant- nope he won't do it

When the baby was about 45 day old he wanted to take him out of town for an entire weekend asking me to pump 2 days worth of milk in 3 days....I said no that is not reasonable- he instantly pulled the " ok you are denying my access. I will document that" line....

I don't know what else can I do if we don't physically share the residence?
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2014, 09:13 PM
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My whole reason for divorce was actually for the child. It was not fair for the child to be living in such a hostile environment and I couldn't possibly provide the best care. Of course, you brought a valid point- I don't have the right to take the baby with me. I wasn't aware of any legal information when I left, now I know, but it is too hard to go back and change anything. Right now I just really want to have a solution. I did, try to talk to the ex about plans but nothing went too well since he was so hurt that I broke off the marriage and that hurt his parents a lot. And his parents are pushing him to go to court to get back at me.
No doubt its bad for a child to be living in a hostile environment. Especially if you know its not getting any better.

Again, there's nothing unique in your situation. Its just your run-of-the-mill disastrous relationship that needs to end in divorce. Half of marriages end in divorce...this stuff is common.

I think you should try (by email) to negotiate a fair schedule with your ex so you can both see the child on a more fair basis...which may include you having to do half or all of the driving since you moved with the child.

It might help with the situation with his parents too since he'll be able to take the baby there to visit and if they can see that he has equal access, they might stop egging him on to legally attack you.

Its worth a try. Then you can at least feel like you're doing the right thing.
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2014, 09:14 PM
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I don't know what else can I do if we don't physically share the residence?
Bring the child to him for his parenting time?
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2014, 09:15 PM
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You make it work. Period.

Why does he have to go to playgroup (where you will be no doubt). Are you aware many fathers/parents might want to just snuggle quietly in private with baby? You know, like you get to do on your own?

I don't buy your story either. Just sayin.
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