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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 08-16-2012, 10:02 PM
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Its really hard to go from negatively blaming someone else (you have very relevant reasons) to being positively focused about why you are the best choice for your kids. Believe me, I know but its important that you look reasonable, child focused, calm and solutions oriented. Your kids don't need more people pointing out all the problems. They need a parent who will figure out how to make the situation work and make a better life for them. That's what the court looks for too.

That's not saying you shouldn't point out facts about her behavior. You should...but not opinions..or engage in negativity and mud slinging. There's a difference. Never stoop to her level.

I'm working late tonight and leaving for the weekend...but I'd be glad to send you a sample of the daily log I used and the parenting plan I drafted early next week.

Again, talk to some of the posters who were also successful in their endeavors..particularly Singledad because I think his circumstance is very close to yours.

Just always think about the kids...and what they need first and foremost.
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Old 08-16-2012, 10:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
Its really hard to go from negatively blaming someone else (you have very relevant reasons) to being positively focused about why you are the best choice for your kids. Believe me, I know but its important that you look reasonable, child focused, calm and solutions oriented. Your kids don't need more people pointing out all the problems. They need a parent who will figure out how to make the situation work and make a better life for them. That's what the court looks for too.

That's not saying you shouldn't point out facts about her behavior. You should...but not opinions..or engage in negativity and mud slinging. There's a difference. Never stoop to her level.

I'm working late tonight and leaving for the weekend...but I'd be glad to send you a sample of the daily log I used and the parenting plan I drafted early next week.

Again, talk to some of the posters who were also successful in their endeavors..particularly Singledad because I think his circumstance is very close to yours.

Just always think about the kids...and what they need first and foremost.
Thanks that would be greatly appreciated.
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 08-17-2012, 12:38 AM
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PM sent...

Reading your situation was VERY similar to mine.
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Old 08-17-2012, 12:58 AM
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Request OCL involvement if you can,I know they don't like younger children but in this case it looks like an exception to the rule.I cant imagine that dating would be a bad idea,you have been going through hell for a year,you deserve some off time !!I have been dealing with a sociopath-its so draining.They live in a different reality and that's the only way to look at it.You keep doing what's right for the kids and keep the high moral ground.But do document everything .
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Old 08-17-2012, 01:06 AM
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Request OCL involvement if you can,I know they don't like younger children but in this case it looks like an exception to the rule.I cant imagine that dating would be a bad idea,you have been going through hell for a year,you deserve some off time !!I have been dealing with a sociopath-its so draining.They live in a different reality and that's the only way to look at it.You keep doing what's right for the kids and keep the high moral ground.But do document everything .
Trying to have a rational conversation is just not possible. So I talk to her via text only now. However we have been apart for 6 weeks now but that is about to end next Monday. Once the court papers get served I am very concerned about what she will do or attempt to do. Very scared she is going to try and suck me into fights etc. She has assaulted me on more than 2 occasions but I can't be calling the cops every time she does something stupid because that's also not good for the kids.

I want to get a voice recorder to record our conversations but I was told to be very careful with this because if you record somebody else's conversations you could be in big "federal" trouble. I need to find a way to protect myself.

I've learned not to get into arguments. Lay out all the options and tell her to pick the one she prefers.
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Old 08-17-2012, 01:23 AM
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Oh you are playing dodge the fight? I love that game ,not!.Be extremely careful and recording in your home should never be a problem.Would you consider putting hidden cameras in hallway living room ,your bedroom etc?If you cant be sure of what she could do it might be handy to have a way of proving you were where you said you were.Newer ones upload on to the web so the data stays secure.When she feels cornered and exposed she could say anything really.Stay focused on your kids and dont be drawn into the crazy....Good luck ,I hope you get this worked out soon!
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Old 08-17-2012, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by FB_ View Post
I want to get a voice recorder to record our conversations but I was told to be very careful with this because if you record somebody else's conversations you could be in big "federal" trouble. I need to find a way to protect myself.
Absolutely get a digital recorder, keep it hidden on your person, and have it going at all times you might interact with her. You are quite legal in recording anything you are involved in. Leaving it lying around recording things when you aren't home would be what could get you in trouble. But recording your interactions with her is the best way to protect yourself from her making false domestic violence claims against you, and to demonstrate that she is the one causing the trouble when the police get called. Without it, they will probably take her word over yours.

It won't be a big help with the family law stuff, but it could be invaluable for criminal law.
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Old 08-17-2012, 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
You can't mediate anything with a person with this type of mentality...its good that you've filed so that you can get started on the process.
What all mediators and arbitrators basically learn (well "good" ones that is) is that you can mediate anything so long as:

1. One or both parties are not suffering from a mental illness.
2. One or both parties are not suffering from a substance abuse problem.

If you have either condition of #1 or #2 or worse... a combination of #1 and #2 the only option for many people is the courts.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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Old 08-17-2012, 03:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
What all mediators and arbitrators basically learn (well "good" ones that is) is that you can mediate anything so long as:

1. One or both parties are not suffering from a mental illness.
2. One or both parties are not suffering from a substance abuse problem.

If you have either condition of #1 or #2 or worse... a combination of #1 and #2 the only option for many people is the courts.

Good Luck!
Tayken
After a year of trying to negotiate I am going to refuse any mediation if it comes up. Would be a waste of time in my opinion.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 08-17-2012, 05:14 PM
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Originally Posted by FB_ View Post
I want to get a voice recorder to record our conversations but I was told to be very careful with this because if you record somebody else's conversations you could be in big "federal" trouble. I need to find a way to protect myself.
That is U.S. law. In Canada, consent is only required by one party. Or in other words, you may record yourself, along with the other parties.
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