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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 12-13-2005, 03:54 PM
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Default The Signs of Divorce

I've been giving this some thought ...

What were some of the signs I should have paid attention to that were indicative of a looming seperation/divorce ...

1. Thoughts. I must admit, at times I wanted divorce and even let the thought enter my being ... mistake! Guard your thoughts ... they are the beginning of creating your reality.

2. Sex. Sex went down hill. Funny thing, when there is a dramatic change in the sex department ... that's your bodies way of picking up trouble.

3. Routine. If you find yourself in a relationship that has become routine and you are just living in a daze. This may be an indication of neglect and lack of caring.

4. Listening. I look back and say ... yeah, if I only would have taken the time to focus and listen during the realtionship, things may have been different. The relationship should have been given TOP priority at ALL times.

Well, I'd be interested to hear what others, reflecting back on their experiences, as to what some of their signs were?

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Old 12-13-2005, 07:11 PM
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The listening point is a good one. Two of the signs I often hear about are related: big increase in the number of fights or just the opposite - spouses start ignoring one another.
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Old 12-13-2005, 10:40 PM
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I think resentment is a big factor. I had expectations about having an equal partner and caregiver and when that didn't happen I would ask nicely, then start to nag, then finally withdraw or reject his advances because I was so P.O.ed a lot of the time. The frequency of sex diminished which made him feel unwanted and unloved. It was a viciuous circle. It wasn't that we weren't listening, it was that we weren't taking each others complaints SERIOUSLY. We took the relationship for granted and let the kids totally take over our lives. We stopped being friends. And I believe its true that we create our own reality....I too had sometimes thought "is this what I have to put up with for the rest of my life?" Everything is so clear now. I wish I had a time machine to go back and do it right all over again...
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Old 12-14-2005, 09:14 AM
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Default The signs continued ...

Hanging on,

Excellent points.

1. Taking things for granted. I just assumed that because we were married and had taken vows that all would be well. Not. A relationship is like exercise. To keep it in top shape, you have to give it some effort afterall LOVE is an action word!

2. Kids. Yeah, when the kids came along is when my wife says things changed. It's important for both parents to recognize that kids bring a major change to your relationships and that you now have to be even more vigalent when it comes to making and taking time for yourselves.

3. Education or training. My friend once said, would you rather have an education or training. I said, what's the difference. He said, would you rather your daughter have sex education or sex training. As a family, we took it upon ourselves to learn about relationships via training, in the field, hard core experience. We learned as we went, not knowing if what we were doing was good or bad. When in fact, we should have educated ourselves about what makes a realtionship work and implement that into our daily relationship training schedule.

5. Affection. Men and women are different. At least daily, couples should make the effort to show genuine affection to their partners. Stroking of the face or hair. A passionate look into their eyes. A smile that conveys, I love you. When you have kids and all, you sometime forget to give some of that attention to your spouse.

6. Giving and Taking. My friend is fed up with his relationship and I asked why? He said, Hubby, all I do is give, give and give to her. There was no balance of giving and taking in the relationship. Looking back, it is too easy to fall into one or the other category of giver or taker. It takes effort and a consciousness to balance the two.

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Old 12-14-2005, 09:54 AM
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Another point is communication. At the beginning of a relationship, you talk about everything, but somewhere along the line we lost that. Yes kids are a huge factor, if your a stay at home mom, or a working mom, most times alot of the rearing is put on her. Mom starts to feel like she is taken for granted and everything revolves around what their needs are, not our own. I know some men do this too, so it can be changed around too.
I think that all couples should make a point of having time once a week if possible to have a date night. A time when it is just the two of them, no kids, phone, just time to be with each other doing whatever you want that is all about the two of you. I think we all need reminders of what brought us together in the first place. The problem is, we neglect that for whatever other reasons.
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Old 12-14-2005, 10:58 AM
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Default Communication breakdown

Yes. Communication is a huge one. Now here's one for the group to maul over.

Ok. So both have neglected one another unintentionally over the years ... one or both spouses are now at the point that communication takes effort and does not flow as easily. You feel like strangers.

So, how would you all handle this one?

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Old 12-14-2005, 06:18 PM
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Yet another great thing to think about......

I guess you start from scratch. Both parties have to stop and think about how they got to this place and figure out what they want to do to change it. Then you would have to sit together and share what you came up with. Then like I said, start from scratch! Each talk about your day, and really listen!
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Old 12-14-2005, 08:40 PM
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my signs were:
:I when realized he was never there for me emotionally:it was all about his feelings
:when he'd break plans when he knew they were important to me
:whenever Iwent back to university part-time to finish my program (I was still working full-time in the night) he'd say"when you're successful you're going to leave me" then he go back to his Mom's
: he'd go back to his mother's when I said he needed to work
:when I realized he acted like a child, not a man
:when I was asked to be in a kick-boxing competition, he messed that up
:when a man(any man) held the door open for me--I was apparently sleeping with him!
:when I had to hire babysitters to watch the kids while I worked, despite the fact that he was home(drinking)
:when my babysitters, who were absolute dolls, despised him.
Shall I go On?
I have no idea why I kept him around--I am a good person, very loyal and faithful, love fun thingslike camping fishing, atving etc. but I just attract the wrong people.
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Old 12-15-2005, 08:36 AM
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Default Have you given it some thought God knows the truth?

Interesting that you should say that you attract the wrong things into your life.

We are all like homing beacons. We continually send out signals whether intentional or not that attracts the circumstances and people into our lives.

I get the distinct feeling, you are sending out signals unconsciously and it may be the reason you are experiencing men that life sends your way.

Hubby
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Old 12-15-2005, 09:38 AM
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I agree with you. I've always been a strong person and try to "take care of business" but inside I just want someone to take the reigns at times, I don't always want to be wearing the skirt and pants in the relationship. Thing is, I am reliable therefore I seem to attract "mommy Boys" . Funny thing is I may subconsciously want/need that to feel needed, powerful, in control-whatever.
Here's the kicker: I'mlooking forward to one day being able to finish my psychology degree, I've wanted to be a psychologist since....I could pronounce the word as a kid. It's probably so I can figure myself and everyone else out and save the world.
Don't get me wrong I'm not a control freak but I am a very good person in a relationship and I seem to attract moochers,and users.
If I ever get around to wanting to be serious with someone, I'll ask for employment records, blood work, criminal records, and a damage deposit---for physical, emotional, and material damages HA!!
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