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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 02-10-2017, 01:31 PM
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Default Should I stop fighting and settle?

Hello All,

You can read the background info here: http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...tml#post217360

The following is more rant than request for legal advice... both will be accepted. I am trying to get outside opinions and advice.

Currently I am waiting for Trial Management in march, earliest trial date will be in nov 2017 (son will be 12.5 and daughter will be 11 at that time). Since separation we have had a week about schedule, it will be 3 years by the time it comes to trial.

Basically, i'm out of funds, maxed credit card, no more savings and borrowed against my inheritance. As well my income is very reduced. I am living with my mom and my kids love being able to visit their grandmother, aunt and cousin when they are with me.

My son is tired of being dragged to walk-ins, doctors, specialist. He misses 2-3 days a month of school. He is not sick, but she needs him to be. (part of her mental disorder ) My daughter is tired of listening to ex's negative comments about me to her friends.

I understand that settling will not change my ex's attitude or actions but I will finally be out of the 'fight' and will be able to move on with life and provide better time with my kids.

Accepting her offer would reduce my time from week about to 2 out of 3 weekends and every Wednesday. While I would lose weeknight, I would gain weekend days. Since both my kids are in school full time, most evenings are spent at home doing homework etc... I would try to negotiate more time with kids when they are out of schools, such holidays, more time during summer vacation.

Basically, while on paper, I would be a weekend dad, to me I would have more quality time with the kids as everyday would be a full day together.

As I said in the beginning, is there anything I am not seeing? Any food for thought or advice?
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Old 02-10-2017, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Asphenaz View Post
My son is tired of being dragged to walk-ins, doctors, specialist. He misses 2-3 days a month of school. He is not sick, but she needs him to be. (part of her mental disorder ) My daughter is tired of listening to ex's negative comments about me to her friends.
My understanding is that the son is 12.5? Well, your son simply needs to go see the family practitioner, explain his issue and ask that he be granted control over his medical well being. Basically, you son, under law, can prevent BOTH of you from accessing his medical records. All he needs is for his family practitioner to agree. Simple and done all the time. That way he gets to make the medical decisions.

Generally, unless the child has a significant developmental disability this will be granted. When your son is almost 13 why would you fight over this stuff and not empower your son to make his own decisions about his health. You may not have know this but, there is NO LAW that gives parents direct control over their children's medical decisions. Children can ask at any age and it is left up to the clinician to make the determination.

If you son called the Kids Help Phone he can get the right advice on how to do this.

Furthermore, what you are describing may be a very complicated form of factitious disorder by proxy. Your son is old enough to express his own concerns directly to clinicians without parents being present. In fact, if the parent always want to be present this should be a WARNING SIGN to the clinician that something is up.

Generally, doctors want to meet with kids of this age without the parents present. So, it wouldn't be odd for your son to ask you both to leave any clinical encounter so he can discuss his possibly factitious medical condition.

Often, many things can be settled without the court's intervention. Your son is old enough to express to the clinician and make his own decisions about his health and wellbeing. You should encourage him to do this.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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Old 02-11-2017, 05:46 AM
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Just to clarify, he's not 12 yet, but will be in a couple months. I knew about most of what you mentioned above and been educating him and helping him stand up for what he wants.

The part about going to see his medical practitioner is new to me. Thanks.


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Old 02-11-2017, 07:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Asphenaz View Post
Just to clarify, he's not 12 yet, but will be in a couple months. I knew about most of what you mentioned above and been educating him and helping him stand up for what he wants.

The part about going to see his medical practitioner is new to me. Thanks.


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I wouldn't settle with anything you're not okay with.

you never should. only settle for what's best for yourself and your child and take the rest to trial.

you either win or lose and learn something. but there is never a clear winner. anyone who goes to court in the first place is a generally a loser.

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Old 02-13-2017, 08:24 AM
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you either win or lose and learn something. but there is never a clear winner. anyone who goes to court in the first place is a generally a loser.
I wholeheartedly agree. A friend told me once, that I should leave my ego at the door when going to court. Lawyers and court seem to cultivate a 'have to win' attitude; so it's important not to lose sight of the fact that it's all about what's best for the kids.

In the end they are the ones who lost. That's why I'm considering settling instead of fighting further.
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Old 02-13-2017, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Asphenaz View Post
I wholeheartedly agree. A friend told me once, that I should leave my ego at the door when going to court. Lawyers and court seem to cultivate a 'have to win' attitude; so it's important not to lose sight of the fact that it's all about what's best for the kids.

In the end they are the ones who lost. That's why I'm considering settling instead of fighting further.
you don't want to settle for far less than what your child deserves with you .

always consider yourself an equal parent. children love both parents and benefit from having both parents equally involved.

don't let them bully you out of your childs life.

you can even get offset child support with 50-50. better spend the money on your kid than your ex.

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Old 03-11-2017, 07:24 AM
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Default Should I stop fighting and settle?

First thank you all in advance for all the advice.

And now the rant.... what the flip!!!! My ex would rather go to trial over an overnight visit with the kids. I offered to give up custody of the kids, week about visitation so that this matter can be settled and she says No.. overnight once a week will be too hard on the kids, so we should stick to 7pm return. She is the one who offered one weeknight a week, i just want it to be an overnight.

She only wins on paper.... she gets all the money and supposed rights ... but i get more face time with the kids (more weekends and less weeknights) and freedom from all this craziness.

She would rather prolong the stress on the kids and go thru the embarrassment of a trial over an overnight....

End rant....



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