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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 10-07-2011, 03:26 PM
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Default In shock - how to survive the first days/weeks

My husband walked out on us Tuesday after 8 years together. It was the second marriage for both of us, a happily blended family for many years. We've had trouble this past year, accusations of infidelity, fighting, drinking too much. I was willing to go to counseling but he didn't believe in it. Now he has left, says he will never return here and wants a divorce. I'm struggling with how to accept this, how to get out of bed in the morning, wondering why he doesn't want to fight to save our marriage which was idyllic the first 7 years. We were best friends. This past year was hard on us both but never did I want to separate and divorce. Marriage isn't always easy, there are good years and bad years but I can't understand how he can just throw our marriage away without even trying to fix it. How do I survive this? I'm in utter shock, can't eat, sick to my stomach, anxious, sad... in other words, I'm an absolute mess. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hang on to something he doesn't want, so how do I move forward and get through this without losing my mind? I feel paralyzed. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
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Old 10-07-2011, 03:56 PM
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first off try not to let yourself dwell on the past. He has made it clear he wants out and no matter what you do you cannot force him to stay. Focus on the future and how to make a life for yourself. I am not sure who was doing what in regards to the drinking etc but it if was you, you should focus on getting help for that. If it was him, then you are better off. It is all still fresh and maybe (dont want to give you false hope) he may change his mind. Sometimes it is easier to take a break from the marriage if things are not good to reflect and figure out what changes are needed and who needs to do them.

try to keep busy and get out with friends etc, do things with the kids, pamper yourself.
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Old 10-07-2011, 03:59 PM
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Counselling would be a paramount for you. Divorce might show to be a positive thing in the long run, it's just a fact that you don't see it right now.

We all felt the same way... it's just a matter of time when you will feel better, trust me. Having said that, I think divorce has most impact on the children because they cannot comprehend the reasons behind divorce as opposed to adults. At least we know why we "hate" each other.
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Old 10-07-2011, 06:18 PM
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Thank you for your replies. I know I can't force him to stay, don't want to do that and don't want to play games. If he wants out, he wants out. I just don't know how to start rebuilding my life when this is all so new and raw. I agree that counselling is definitely needed as I feel completely lost and directionless. When we married, we promised that we would never divorce, no matter what. We had both been through terrible divorces before, knew we were meant to be together and swore that no matter what, we would work things out. I just don't understand him breaking that promise. We have been planning our retirement, where we would live, travel, etc. I was comfortable and happy that he was the person I would grow old with.

The drinking and accusations were from both of us... we both lost trust with each other this winter and the drinking and fighting escalated. I am seeking help with the drinking, but I don't think he wants to.

As far as children are concerned, mine are 19 and 17 and I guess better able to deal with it. His daughter is only 9 and I know she must be confused. He doesn't even want me to see her anymore. So I not only lost a husband, I've lost a step-daughter as well whom I've been with since she was a year old. Changed her diapers, coached her soccer team, watched her grow up in front of me. Now she's gone too. I had to close her bedroom door so I wouldn't have to look at her bed and toys and completely fall apart. I guess I sound pretty pathetic but this is all new to me. My first marriage ended because I left an abusive relationship and felt no real loss when it was over but this is so different, so devastating, and so overwhelming...
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Old 10-07-2011, 06:57 PM
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As Dori says in "Finding Nemo"

"Just Keep Swimming"
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Old 10-08-2011, 02:01 AM
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Does bio mother have custody? If she doesn't you can apply for joint custody considering the bond you have with her.
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Old 10-08-2011, 04:09 PM
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Bio mother has primary custody, husband said he doesn't want me to see her anymore. He texted me today to say he is moving her furniture out tomorrow. I'm crushed and deep down I know this is the end. I just don't understand or know how to accept it.
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Old 10-08-2011, 04:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lost22 View Post
Bio mother has primary custody, husband said he doesn't want me to see her anymore. He texted me today to say he is moving her furniture out tomorrow. I'm crushed and deep down I know this is the end. I just don't understand or know how to accept it.
well you have no choice when it comes to his daughter, but maybe when she gets older she will look you up. Try to keep out of his way when he moves his daughters stuff out and make sure he doesnt take anything he shouldnt. Making a scene or begging him to stay is not a good idea. Bite your tongue and save the tears for after he leaves. You do realize that when a marriage ends that you go through the same stages as when someone dies. You have to give yourself a chance to go through the stages.
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Old 10-08-2011, 04:29 PM
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Thanks standing... I will probably leave the house when he moves things out as I don't want to make a scene or see him leaving with her things. I know it will be rough to come home afterwards. I hope she does look me up someday.
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Old 10-09-2011, 12:24 AM
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Advice - Reconsider you're plan for tomorrow. Personally I would stand on the side and protect your belongings. If you leave, anything that might happen you will have no recourse. You do not need to say a word, you can show your strength, he no longer has any control over you and YOU will not allow yourself to be walked all over tomorrow, or any other day.


Read your post - I, well, could have written the same words. Many of us here could. Some saw the writing on the wall, others didn't. In the end it doesn't matter. My lowest day I was alone, just got back from the doctors and I fell apart so hard that our three dogs.....two of them wet themselves. I have other issues and there is more to the "story" but today...... that marked the lowest point and that was 5 months ago. Everyday since has been struggle and living under the same roof has made it unreal. This phase will not go on forever.

My ex has the right to leave, she has the right to not even have a reason - it is her choice and hers alone. What I do from here on out is now for my benefit and I am going to be better off for it no matter what lies ahead - It is going to be a better life than before where each day saw my "life force" dim a little bit at a time day after day, month after month.

What you do from here on out is what is going to make the difference in your life moving forward. NEVER look back now - you will find new happiness. Take the steps now to protect your finances. It will be hard and YOU are worth it!!! Welcome.
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