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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 01-15-2006, 01:26 PM
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Aden is on a distinguished road
Default She lost it today..

Well, here we go again.. Ive been very nieve...
My ex had called yesterday with our son who I spoke to, then this morning I called to ask to see him and our daughter and she lost it... very angry.. lots of very cruel words.. she says that until I reply to her lawyers letter and set up access that I cannot see them.. and that she expects me to step up and take care of this.. she was so angry.. I know she wants her lawyers retainer back.. she is blaming me for her declaring bankruptcy as well....
I have never been abusive in any way to them, she knows I love our kids too...I was always a great Daddy.. two weeks ago shes speaking of asking me to come hom etc.. and resolviong issues then bam- it has just gone completely downhill all the way again...it looks like shes going to make a fight of it.. she was intentionally trying to hurt me, and it worked real well...
I really had been hoping for an end to this but it does not look like it at all.
I am going to have to realise that this mess is going to get messier, she just will not stop being reactive.. she wants to be angry it seems... she lashed out worse than ever this am.. she does not seem to understand that she has no grounds at all to hold the kids from me for any reasons... and she has been given some really bad advice...
this is just awful.. was not supposed to be this way..

Aden
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 01-15-2006, 02:09 PM
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Default Hello Mars, Welcome to Venus...

Hello Aden, I'm sorry for your troubles. I'm writing to give you a hint of the woman's side since your message gave me a peak into the man's point of view. Of course I can only speak for myself, but I can't imagine I'm that different. I feel very hurt and lost after separating from my husband. I know deep inside he is wonderful; yet he went off with someone else. I feel he deserted our promise to each other and didn't even try to improve our marriage - he refused councelling and never made time to talk about our issues. I suppose I wronged him in some way (or many ways) but he never said anything or gave me a chance to change.
And so, knowing he is living it up with someone much younger makes me spiteful. I don't know if anything similar applies to you, but feeling that your spouse has "forgotten" you and moved on, is very hard to accept when you are still riddled with grief.
Yes, I too often want to hurt him somehow. It makes us women crazy on the inside - must appear sane on the outside. Hormones act differently at different times of the month. That's a fact. She may have blown up today, but tomorrow is another day.
Maybe you might try supporting her thoughts. Maintain your position if you believe in it strongly, but acknowledge (or pretend to) what is really troubling her deep inside. Most of all, stress that the best part of your marriage was the precious children you brought into the world and that they are innocent people that need protection. An army of two, in this world, is stronger than an army of one solo parent. You need each other to raise those kids, and they will always need you both.
It's PRIDE that does the most damage. Put your's aside and calmly encourage her to do the same.
Damn! Why can't I take my own advise?!
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 01-15-2006, 02:20 PM
FPI FPI is offline
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Default

Aden, sorry to hear that it's getting worse for you. I have experienced the same mood change with my ex. Like you I have yet to get a separation agreement, most likely when I go to court in February we will somehow have to work one out.
I'm sure by now you are aware that Status Quo has developed and the law might take your wife's side. However, I believe, and I may be wrong that if you want to see your kids your wife should allow you to see them. This will look bad for her in court. My kids want to see me all the time and my wife is doing the same think holding them back from me. Just make sure you document everything. The best interest of the children is to have both parents equally involved in their lives. Because of the separation one parent should not have gained total control as to when you can and can't see you kids. I find the more time that went by the more information that both parties gained. Most likely other people that have gone through similar situations are advising her what to do, they are coaching your wife. That happened to me, my wife has changed daily from not wanting to fight me to planning to go all the way through the court system, my legal fees should be un real by the end of this.
Anyway just make sure you document everything. This will help your case.

Good Luck
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 01-15-2006, 06:23 PM
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Default Wow..

She called me back and we actually spoke, she is very hurt, I have always been faithful by the by- I lost my job- in the fall that is what started this mess...and what a mess it is..I think she is pretty shaken up, the same way i am....I am giving her lots of space.. thnaks
Aden
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 01-16-2006, 02:05 PM
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Exclamation Taking time to understand the other person is vital

We all have a reason to our madness. We don't always have the patience to find out what that reason is, or the communication skills to convey what we're feeling. Pitty, isn't it? How much time and money is wasted? How many people are hurt?
In the end, all we want acceptance and recognition. What we need is companionship - someone to be with into our old and wrinkly years. Looking for perfection and fireworks is Hollywood's brainwashing. If you find someone you can tolerate and who also tolerates you, make the effort to respect and care for them - it's so rewarding.
It's sooo much harder to separate than it is to stay together. This is proven!
Have you seen a counsellor?
I wish you well.
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 01-16-2006, 02:43 PM
hubby's Avatar
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hubby will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostinlove
Hello Aden, I'm sorry for your troubles. I'm writing to give you a hint of the woman's side since your message gave me a peak into the man's point of view. Of course I can only speak for myself, but I can't imagine I'm that different. I feel very hurt and lost after separating from my husband. I know deep inside he is wonderful; yet he went off with someone else. I feel he deserted our promise to each other and didn't even try to improve our marriage - he refused councelling and never made time to talk about our issues. I suppose I wronged him in some way (or many ways) but he never said anything or gave me a chance to change.
And so, knowing he is living it up with someone much younger makes me spiteful. I don't know if anything similar applies to you, but feeling that your spouse has "forgotten" you and moved on, is very hard to accept when you are still riddled with grief.
Yes, I too often want to hurt him somehow. It makes us women crazy on the inside - must appear sane on the outside. Hormones act differently at different times of the month. That's a fact. She may have blown up today, but tomorrow is another day.
Maybe you might try supporting her thoughts. Maintain your position if you believe in it strongly, but acknowledge (or pretend to) what is really troubling her deep inside. Most of all, stress that the best part of your marriage was the precious children you brought into the world and that they are innocent people that need protection. An army of two, in this world, is stronger than an army of one solo parent. You need each other to raise those kids, and they will always need you both.
It's PRIDE that does the most damage. Put your's aside and calmly encourage her to do the same.
Damn! Why can't I take my own advise?!
LostinLove,

You just did.

Hubby
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 01-16-2006, 06:51 PM
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Default Hey

No we have not seen any counsellors ... yet at least. I tried that route.. so much has happened she keeps saying.. we gave up our home today.... which was really sad... It appears as though I will have to follow suit and go bankrupt as well.... I think I can only hope to be friends at this point.. she has tried to reach out bit there are many factors in this which are affecting us both.. she is very hurt..
She does want to see my therapist at some point though.... which I know will do us both some good-- I know he can at least explain things to her... which will be a new starting point.. I am hoping that she calls him..
I have been told to give her plenty of space.. and get the separation agreement laid out and things will quiet down from there at least... I saw her and our son today... for a short time.
Any advice on getting our freindship and trust re-established would be great.. I am not ready for divorce.... and I do not think she is either.. I keep hoping for second chances at this but I am told that it takes alot of healing time..
Any advice.... would be great, we were such close freinds..
Aden
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 01-16-2006, 07:23 PM
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Exclamation Act now

Get a babysitter, go to a councellor!!! Divorce is bigger than all of us. If there was no abuse, if someone else hasn't come into the picture, I can't imagine ANYTHING should stop you from exhausting ALL your options. Eminem just got re-married . It's never too late. Once again, I think only pride is what prevents us from doing everything necessary.
You say both of you are in a position of declaring bankrupcy? Isn't it more expensive to pay 2 separate rents or mortgages, to heat two separate houses...?
My husband is finally saying we should see a councellor - now. When he's with someone else! This was the latest I heard from him. Don't understand it at all!!! The only thing I can conclude is he finally realizes that he can't just push it all out of his mind. I'm guessing his guilt haunts him. I know I can't brush off the sadness that comes in waves and is no weaker now than the day he moved out.
Make the councellor a priority - it really doesn't sound like you two are convinced divorce is the answer. Go while you're still sitting on the fence.
The councellor can lead each of you to find your voice and be heard, without getting distracted by the irrelevant things.
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 01-16-2006, 11:33 PM
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Default Oh I am trying..

It may sound easy but it is not... she is hurting fairly badly over the whole thing as am I, she is going through her own problems as well, and is whincing at the separation as am I... shes made a few attempts at talking it out here and there, but we need to try and build a new freindship before anything, that is what i am trying to do...
I am still willing and I am told that that makes a huge difference.. that at least I have not given up, I am told.... I know that she has not as well completely, but she is also being told and councelled by others as well, and some of it is quite manipulative.. , but she has her own issues, and always has... it is going to take a huge bit of healing time, she has already declared bankruptcy,, and I am left with the rest of the debts and it is looking that way for me as well.
I am trying to connect with her hurt, this is a mess for all of us. I refuse to be selfish and be angry, I have tried to go the route for councelling and she knows that, its her ball so to speak. I will encourage her but I won`t even begin to try and push her at this time. that would not be fair.
thanks for the advice... Id love to be on one of those sites saying " oh we woorked it all out its like magic again", its alot tougher out there in the real world...hurt clouds judgement, I have seen or heard the woman I married only several times since this occurred back in the fall... that tells me alot of her own levels of stress and hurt....
....
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 01-16-2006, 11:38 PM
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Default and....

I should say that I do know her pride has taken a huge beating on this.. and that is a large reason why she is afraid to try and go ahead with reconciliation, she told me the other day, she told ...... that she was thinking seriously of having me back and working out our problems... and bam right after that she says to me "such and such" looked at me like I was crazy"... I cannot fight that- it will only serve the other person- and make me look coercive, which i am not... so iam left to wait it out and put my two cents in when I can...I am ready , but she is scared to look stupid after she`s gone this far already....
Cheers....
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