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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 05-04-2006, 02:41 AM
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Question Separated but in the same house.

Well, since the 31st March me and my wife (ex to be) separated but we are in the same house. Its hard seeing her every day, that is when she can be bothered to be in the house as she stays (or says she does) with her mother who lives in Birmingham. The marital house is in Dudley 17 miles away.

When she does day in the house which is from Thursday through to Sunday, it is hard for me, especially when I didnt want the marriage to end anyway. Since the argument that she taped, she has be venting forth that I am a scary man and that she is afraid of me. Well, for someone who is scared she isnt showing it by being in the house in the first place.

It was my birthday last week and she bought me a card, a chinese meal and two bottles of wine, and ice cream, but in the same breath she is telling her family that Im scary!

To quote Austin Powers "What the!"

To stop her in her tracks Ive been getting up at 5am and Im out the house by 545am. I come back late and go straight to my room, just to avoid her and the kids. I got to my mums after work to see if she is okay and that she is coping after Dads death. I keep hr company on the weekends as wekk.

Its hard loving my wife so much, and seeing her look at me with contempt and disgust, where she once looked at me with love. Its hard.

When her Step Daughter is in the house on her own when I get back late and her mother and brother arent there, it makes me soooooo uneasy. I avoid being in the same room as her, I go upstairs and shut the door to my room, avoiding any contact with her. My bedroom is vat becoming a self imposed prison cell, its horrible.

Every one Ive have told this to have said BE CAREFUL! My step daughter could make anything up and I have no defence. So I just avoid her like the plague.

This is no life for me but it is the only thing I can think of doing to cover my self, and protect what feelings I have left?

any other ideas?
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Old 05-04-2006, 02:49 AM
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After ending our marriage, wanting to strip the house of the contents, wanting to make me sell the house, claiming half my pension, calling my mother a dirty lying wh*re, my family a bunch of thugs, gloating at my fathers death, calling me a wannabe white boy (Im biracial, my Dad was black and my mother is white. I had a white upbringing by my white grandparents as I never knew my black grandparents).

she said "After the divorce cant we still be friends"

My answer had something to do with travel and reproduction.
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Old 05-04-2006, 10:22 AM
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SJ,

Everything you are experiencing is NORMAL.

When my spouse told me of the seperation ... it was hard being in the same house ... for a period of time. It's been 6 months now and we can co-exist ok now. At times its hard cuase when you love someone, you wanna hug, kiss and make love sometimes and with the other half completely withdrawn, it makes it rather difficutl.

Expect to have some days where anxiety is high and emotions are out of control ... this is just your body's way of release stress. Be patient with yourself as you and your body go through this grievance or letting go stage. I know it's not what you want, but it's not about you, its about both of you.

I always say you can't hang onto someone that doesnt' want hanging on to. Love never restrains, it lets one go, freely. Love is never angry, but understanding. Most importantly, love is patient.

There are normally two side when a seperation happens. One side want out (withdrawn) the other still loves and want to salvage or hang on. Now, let me tell you from experience brother, love and hanging on are painful, when the one you love, is in a different place (disgust and contempt - hate).

It takes months/years to form the bonds of LOVE, it will take months to release those bonds so that you WILL be able to move forward in life to find another LOVE. Believe me, just as there is an abundance in the universe, there is an abundance of other women and men out there! Let life unfold as it should, learn from your experiences and move on cause there is someone out there, waiting for you.

A mighty blessing to you SJ, ALLWAYS BELIEVE brother.

Hubby
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Old 05-10-2006, 02:46 AM
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Thanks Brother, I agree with you when you said

"At times its hard cause when you love someone, you wanna hug, kiss and make love sometimes and with the other half completely withdrawn, it makes it rather difficult".

When she isnt in the house,I can cope. when she is I just go to pieces, not infront of her though.

The pinnacle last week came when I was ill, it was last tuesday, I blacked out and was sick. Im ok now though, it was cause my stress, sorting mum out, getting over Dads death, my job etc I left a frantic voice mail on my wife phone, however it was thursday before she rang to see how I was!!

Shes at her mothers now, and I pleaded with her to spend time with me. That was yesterday. No reply.

The house is so quiet, packing boxes are appearing in the living room packed with her clothes, she is moving out. As are the step children. She moved out of the martial bedroom and she spends three nights here and the rest with her mother, with my step son.
I have so tried to sort things out with her, but to no avail. I never wanted any of this, I wants to save our marriage, I wanted us to sort this out.
She doesn’t understand that I still love her. Am the momment I find it difficult to be in the same room with her because I want to take her in my arms and hold her, cuddle her etc. Compared to the girl I first met, she is barely recognisable as the same woman.
I cant stand in her way, I cant force her to stay, I know that.
When she isnt in the house I can cope, when she does stay, usually a Friday Saturday Sunday, I cant cope. I go into another room or stay in my bedroom. Or leave early in the morning and come back late at night.Whats the point being in the same room when she doesn’t want me or love me, and the stepkids want me to cease to exist. I would rather not humiliatew She said “If you cant love my kids you cant love me!” I never said I hated the kids. I cant help but thing that the kids have engineered this whole thing to get rid of me. Thats silly…..isnt it?
She told me as much Sunday. I could cope losing her to a man, but losing her to a 14 year old, who is so gloating and has a "ha ha Ive won you've lost" Look on his face when ever he sees me.
She wants to be amicable. She is leaving me, taking everything away from me including half the house and I have to be amicable!
She wants to just be friends. She can deluded herself if she wants to but as soon as she leaves through the door, how can she even have the nerve to return, after she is making me or trying to make me lose everything.
I begged her to reconsider, but she turned her back on me.

I don’t think that we could ever remain friends.

Thanks brother, I need to beleive.
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Old 05-10-2006, 07:14 AM
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SJ:

This is a difficult time and I often tell clients that when the separation occurs it quite literally becomes "anything can happen day" until your divorce is finalized. It sounds like you have done the best you can with what you've got and try not to lose too much sleep over the path that she has chosen. If there is any good will left between both of you, I recommend that you foster it carefully because a little good will can go a long way in keeping a divorce from becoming a very bitter and ugly affair.

As for you, it's time to get yourself a blueprint of how to manage your life for the next year or so. There are going to be decisions that must be addressed, there is going to be some cost associated with coming to an agreement - both financial and personal.

So this transitional period that you are currently living in is temporary - try not to lose sight of that. Your life is reconfiguring and you have an opportunity to shape the direction of your life in a new and empowering way. Find a lawyer who understands your values and your sense of justice. Look for a support system that isn't family and friends, but rather, people like you who are experiencing similar challenges in their life. Stay active - it's a great stress reliever just to go power walking for 30 mins before you head off to bed. Write your thoughts and feelings into a journal because if this is a low point for your life, a journal becomes a living record of what you experienced and how you overcame these challenges. It also can serve as a reminder in the future for how painful your life can become when the going gets rough.

Hang in there.
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Old 05-11-2006, 03:16 AM
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Im hanging in there just.

It so isnt easy. She'll be back tomorrow Im so not looking forward to it.
Ive tried to call her, but she ignores my calls, text messages, emails.
So today I had made the decision NOT to contact her at all.

See how far that gets me.
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Old 05-12-2006, 03:37 AM
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Default All day went by

and I didnt contact her.

However, at about 10pm Last nightI sent her a text message "Are you ready to talk to me".

Its 8.30am the next morning now and I I havent heard a word, but this evening she will come watlzing in the house like nothing has happened. I havent heard from her all week so how does she expect me to react?

The best defence is to say nothing and to let her get on with it. Im just going to ignore her.
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Old 05-12-2006, 09:16 AM
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SJ,

Giving Space.

I had a difficult time grasping this idea at first, when my spouse broke the news. I reacted by clinging, begging and reasoning ... all which basically made the situation WORSE.

My friend best explained it like this. How would you feel if someone you did not like kept 'pushing' themselves on you to like em? After a while, you would probably become -- irritated and want to get away as far as possible from this person.

I know, cuase that's what I did in the beginning and it got to the point my spouse was about to move out then and there!

Once this concept hit me -- I BACKED off. Since then, I have seen some slight improvement and know I have a ways to go.

I would highly recommend going to http://www.divorcebusting.com/ which will give you some ideas to implement if you really want to save the marriage.

There are certain actions you can do that will spell DEATH to your marriage and certain actions you can take that may SAVE it. Learn from what others have done to save their marriages -- and avoid the things that can jeopardize it.

I know the feeling, your whole world seems turned upside down and for a time it will feel like that ... but do know this, there is balance in life, and as such, you will regain a sense of composure and begin to heal and eventually begin to move forward in life.

Be patient and calm during this time, let this episode in your life gently go as fierce as it entered.

I'd recommend you look beyond your situation. As I did, I looked beyond and far above for comfort, peace of mind/heart and salvation.

Hubby
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