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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 03-11-2014, 10:29 AM
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My my, Links needs some antidepressants lol. Our children we had together really brought the other kids together. Made them feel connected. We told them very early into the pregnancy (about 6 weeks) and they were ecstatic. We looked on the internet for what the baby looked like inside me and the kids came to midwifery appointments with me too.
I'm pretty happy actually - I surprise myself sometimes. You want to get depressed you should read about how remarriage affects children and the chance of success of second marriages - THAT is depressing

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I guess any child that has a younger sibling must be insecure because a new child is going to take their spot. This can and does happen in intact families as well.
^ Yeah, I'm sure though it's more severe in blended families (thanks for demonstrating my point before).

My whole point was if you tell the kids or the mom at different times then one of them will tell the other - didn't mean anything by "springing it on her".
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Old 03-11-2014, 10:50 AM
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My d9 asked if I would ever have another baby. And then asked if her father and his new wife would. She said that she didn't want any of us to have any new children because it would make her feel like her sister and her" weren't enough" for us. That's the word she used that she wouldn't be enough for us.

Does it happen in an intact family? Yes. But absolutely not to the extent that it would happen in a divorced family. My children already felt like they were replaced in their Dad's life by the new girlfriend. My older daughter again articulated exactly that. When I tried to talk to her about how Daddy wasn't replacing me with the new girlfriend blah blah blah, she looked me dead in the face and said "I'm not worried about her replacing you Mom. I'm worried about her replacing me in Daddy's life". It was a pretty insightful moment and gave real clarity about how she was feeling, even at 12.

Divorce creates abandonment issues in children that in intact family wouldn't have. A new baby belongs to all of them. In this case new baby belongs to Daddy and new wife.

Imagine how it looks to a child, regardless if they love babies, Mom has been replaced by new woman, doesn't it follow that divorced children must think that they will be replaced by new children as well? I think it is a very valid concern. And one that children would really worry about. From a child's perspective, its a logical chain of events.


And just to clarify, I'm not saying don't have a new baby. Have a new baby. The children will adjust. I just trying to show you that children think from their perspective and have their own feelings on the matter and "preparing" them may take more than expected.

(Sorry for any typos. On cell.)

Last edited by SadAndTired; 03-11-2014 at 10:57 AM.
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Old 03-11-2014, 11:55 AM
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Having gone through this, we have a 3 month old. I have two of my own, and my new partner has two of her own. So now we have 5.

We kept it a secret and only told my new partners children they were 9 and 5.
At about 5 months we told my two.

My ex found out when she came into my house for the first time in 2+ years. We had been doing exchanges at a parking lot and had made progress to the point we were back to doing them in our respected driveways. The girls wanted to show mom their room, so mom came in. After they were like "oh mom, we have to show you the babies room" And mom was like, yes thats where you were when you were babies. my kids chimed back, no thats where the new baby is going to sleep.
Bomb shell dropped, not the way I planned it, but hey with all the respect to my ex, she kept it together. Don't know how she felt about it after she left. None of my business. And she is quite private would never let me know know if I did something to upset her or make her happy.

We also did a home birth, as all the children were at our home on the night. We weren't planning on a home birth but figured it was easier than getting up four children and take them to the hospital.

The memory of going to bed one night and waking up to a new baby in the family, completely priceless. The kids will remember that forever.

Everyone is different, and you can't act with regards to how someone else might react. The only thing you can control is yourself. So don't worry about it.
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Old 03-11-2014, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by involveddad75 View Post
Having gone through this, we have a 3 month old. I have two of my own, and my new partner has two of her own. So now we have 5.

We kept it a secret and only told my new partners children they were 9 and 5.
At about 5 months we told my two.

My ex found out when she came into my house for the first time in 2+ years. We had been doing exchanges at a parking lot and had made progress to the point we were back to doing them in our respected driveways. The girls wanted to show mom their room, so mom came in. After they were like "oh mom, we have to show you the babies room" And mom was like, yes thats where you were when you were babies. my kids chimed back, no thats where the new baby is going to sleep.
Bomb shell dropped, not the way I planned it, but hey with all the respect to my ex, she kept it together. Don't know how she felt about it after she left. None of my business. And she is quite private would never let me know know if I did something to upset her or make her happy.

We also did a home birth, as all the children were at our home on the night. We weren't planning on a home birth but figured it was easier than getting up four children and take them to the hospital.

The memory of going to bed one night and waking up to a new baby in the family, completely priceless. The kids will remember that forever.

Everyone is different, and you can't act with regards to how someone else might react. The only thing you can control is yourself. So don't worry about it.
Thank you for your story. I think even intact families there is some slight nervousness with the existing children. I also think how children react and feel has something to do with how involved they are in the family. If you have one parent who goes on to have a new family and hardly pays attention to the existing children, then yes I can see how it would make the existing children feel replaced, but if the parent is a steadily involved parent and children are involved in the family as a whole, I think the whole experience can be positive.

Involveddad... would you say that not informing your ex was a good decision or would you rather have told her?

Sadandtired- I can certainly understand how your daughter would feel and that is exactly how I don't want the kids to feel.
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Old 04-28-2014, 11:35 AM
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Well the cat is out of the bag sooner than we expected it to be, but we knew it was bound to happen. Over a week ago, my partner had his surgery. Everything went well and the doctor said it was a text book surgery. Good new for us.

We had my step children over the weekend and Dad had to let them know that they could not jump or wrestle with him like they usually do because he was sore. He left it at that and the kids seemed fine with that. We didn't go into details about why Dad was sore, as they may be a little too young to understand. We took the kids back yesterday, said our goodbyes and went on our way.

Later in the evening he gets a text from the ex asking what he had surgery for. He didn't bother responding, as it wasn't a conversation he needed to have with her. But she kept going. Sent about a dozen more texts ranging in emotions. She stated she was able to put two and two together when her children told her that they couldn't sit on Daddy's lap. Again, he ignored her. The next text went on to say that he better not neglect her children and that even though he may think it is none of her business it is because her children are involved and that children are expensive and he better have thought long and hard about what he is doing to her children.

This time he responded with a short message saying, "Don't worry about our financial situation. S8 was not neglected by either of us when D5 was born so a new child is not going to cause me to neglect them. I don't question you about your relationships and choices and I ask that you don't question me on mine"

To that he got a nasty response about how wrong the children already know it is that we are living together without being married and if we bring a child into this world they will feel replaced and think even less of him because you have to be married to live together and have children.

Next time the kids are with us, we are going to sit them down and have a conversation with them. Just letting them know that in the future they may have a new brother or sister, but that doesn't mean our love is going to be divided or any less, all that means is that there will be a new family member for us all to love. These kids love babies, they have them all around them and while there may be times they feel a little out of sorts, I think the biggest issue will be what is said when they are with their Mom. Time will tell I suppose... even after 5 years of separation, some people still can't let go...
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Old 04-28-2014, 11:44 AM
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I got a three page email sent to me personally from the ex wife at midnight the day the kids went back to her with news I was pregnant. For months afterwards she continued to try and engage me about my pregnancy and baby. I advised her repeatedly my baby/pregnancy was off limits. It did nothing.

The emails and comments continued. Escalated. She sent gifts for the baby yet of course she does not consider me a friend of any sort. In fact she curses me publicly and daily. I decided to have my baby in private. We did not discuss my due date. Ever. Not on FB. Not with anyone.

When baby was born dad picked up kids that afternoon (lucky for us he had access same day) and was able to introduce kids to their new sister. She never had a clue until they went back to her. I was grateful for the peace and quiet the day I gave birth. It wasn't over shadowed by her stupid and inappropriate comments.

Our baby is a spitting image of daddy. It is obvious to any and every one. Once mom came to a doc app and tried to engage me in a conversation about my baby's paternity.
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Old 04-28-2014, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Serene View Post
I got a three page email sent to me personally from the ex wife at midnight the day the kids went back to her with news I was pregnant. For months afterwards she continued to try and engage me about my pregnancy and baby. I advised her repeatedly my baby/pregnancy was off limits. It did nothing.

The emails and comments continued. Escalated. She sent gifts for the baby yet of course she does not consider me a friend of any sort. In fact she curses me publicly and daily. I decided to have my baby in private. We did not discuss my due date. Ever. Not on FB. Not with anyone.

When baby was born dad picked up kids that afternoon (lucky for us he had access same day) and was able to introduce kids to their new sister. She never had a clue until they went back to her. I was grateful for the peace and quiet the day I gave birth. It wasn't over shadowed by her stupid and inappropriate comments.

Our baby is a spitting image of daddy. It is obvious to any and every one. Once mom came to a doc app and tried to engage me in a conversation about my baby's paternity.
That is where I am at. We don't plan for a pregnancy to happen immediately, as we would like to prepare our house first and do some savings. We don't plan to make this a very public thing. I am not a public person, heck we don't even have a lot of people over to our house, because I don't like to entertain or have people butting into my life. I don't expect her to be thrilled and I don't expect her to question me on anything, but if she does, my response will be the same as yours.
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Old 04-28-2014, 12:14 PM
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My husband's children adore the baby. In fact, they continuously ask me to have another. They take pictures of her with their electronic devices and truly cherish her. They also have a nickname for her and use it so much that she actually doesn't recognize her legal name lol

We have a large family - five kids now. There has never been a worry of kids being forgotten or feeling left out. The only notion of that is from the bitter ex wife.

I will be honest with you - it is difficult on us to go thru this day after day. Hubby in court just today to get a motion because mom again isn't playing nice and he isn't prepared to go without his holiday weekend 4th year in a row.

Chin up. Keep yourself focused on that baby to be.
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Old 04-28-2014, 12:20 PM
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I hope all goes well with the motion. I do try hard to keep the peace with Mom, as the only one it truly effects is the kids, but sometimes people are happy complaining and being unhappy.

Those kids will never be forgotten about, I do realize that there are times that kids are forgotten about when a new family/baby comes into play, but that truly will not happen with us. It will be a positive experience for the children, at least when they are at our place.
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Old 04-28-2014, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
Later in the evening he gets a text from the ex asking what he had surgery for. He didn't bother responding, as it wasn't a conversation he needed to have with her. But she kept going. Sent about a dozen more texts ranging in emotions. She stated she was able to put two and two together when her children told her that they couldn't sit on Daddy's lap.
Okay, I know that this is not remotely the most important aspect of your situation (congratulations, by the way!) - but I am the only one who is a little creeped out by the thought of someone who still thinks she has a right to know what is going on with her ex's //testicles// five year after the relationship ended? Just the thought - eeewww.
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