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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 03-08-2014, 09:24 AM
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Default Second Family Planning - Discussions

Hi all,

I would like to hear from those who have planned and have had second families.

My partner and I are in the early stages of planning to add a third child to our family. This will be at least a year down the road but we would like to be able to discuss this with the children and possibly let the ex know what is going on, more courtesy for her.

Anyways, for those who have second families or those of you who have ex that have second families, what did you find helpful, what would you do different? Was there something your ex did or didn't do that you think he or she should have?

We do want to make this transition easy for the children and realize that part of that will be about how their mother reacts.

Any insight would be very helpful!

Thank you!
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Old 03-08-2014, 11:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
Hi all,

I would like to hear from those who have planned and have had second families.

My partner and I are in the early stages of planning to add a third child to our family. This will be at least a year down the road but we would like to be able to discuss this with the children and possibly let the ex know what is going on, more courtesy for her.

Anyways, for those who have second families or those of you who have ex that have second families, what did you find helpful, what would you do different? Was there something your ex did or didn't do that you think he or she should have?

We do want to make this transition easy for the children and realize that part of that will be about how their mother reacts.

Any insight would be very helpful!

Thank you!
You can't care how your hubby's ex will react - don't let that influence the decisions moving forward, that's unfair to you.

As for the children, they're a lot more accepting of these things that adults are. I wouldn't tell them until it's official (ie you are pregnant), and remember that once you tell them, you are effectively telling their mom as well. To ask them to "keep it to themselves" wouldn't be fair on the kids. My ex did that to my daughter, and besides it not working (she told me as soon as she could because she was so full of excitement), it came with a "don't tell dad I told you because he told me not to". Talk about sticking a child in the middle.

Adults know what adding another to the family means, children don't.
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Old 03-08-2014, 12:32 PM
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I haven't gone through this personally, but I can give you my thoughts on the possibility anyways.

Your husband's ex knows he got the snip. And she seems to be kind of a control freak. She's going to absolutely gobsmacked when she hears of a pregnancy. Personally, I would be a little sneaky with her about whatever interventions it took to reverse the process. Just say something like "Yeah, turns out a vasectomy isn't 100% but we're thrilled!" She's less likely to take it as an attack on her if she thinks you didn't do it on purpose.

If I found out my ex was having another child, I am not sure what I'd think. My main worries would be that our children would be replaced in his life (much like I was with his mistress-now-common-law) by the new baby and that they would be hurt by his change in priorities. He sees them little enough as it is. I'd also worry that the paternal grandparents would spend more time with the new baby than they do with our children. I'm the one that still facilitates that relationship because of the access situation. So I guess that my concerns would boil down to a potential loss of time with the existing children in favour of the new baby, for all family members.

My other advice would be that babies are hard to plan! I've heard of some people conceiving right after stopping the birth control, but that wasn't the case for me. Your plans may be longer term than you think, so I'm not sure that stressing about it now is a good idea.
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Old 03-08-2014, 03:17 PM
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I wouldn't say anything until you actually are pregnant - and even then, not too early on. My ex's new wife had a miscarriage (at least I think that's what happened, putting the pieces together, it's not really any of my business), and our daughter was completely freaked out. She had no idea what had happened, and because she had been told not to tell me anything about it, I couldn't try to comfort or explain anything to her without putting her in an awkward position, because I wasn't officially supposed to know anything. That's my second piece of advice - let the ex in on the news so that she can process it in her own time, and can talk about it with the kids, if they bring it up. Ideally, she'll encourage them to be excited and happy about the new baby. Reality of course may be different ...
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Old 03-08-2014, 07:39 PM
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You have plenty of time to "prepare" kids once they know you are pregnant. Its an exciting time and kids usually can't dismiss the excitement even if their other parent is irked about it. Babies just bring that out in others.

You do not need to discuss with ex wife. And furthermore discussing or advising her in advance is inviting her to comment and give advice on the matter. Do you want that?

We went on to have more children and had to go to greater lengths than the average couple. Mom was pissed to say the least and this is not subjective - she wrote it all out in an email (actually many of them) and sent us her diatribes on our baby. She did that for months. It was hurtful and annoying. But the kids adore their siblings regardless. They refer to them as their sister and brother while mom ensures she refers to them as their "half sister/brother".

The beauty about waiting to tell is I didn't have to endure any additional days under her criticism. For which I am grateful for that.
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Old 03-10-2014, 01:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MS Mom View Post
You can't care how your hubby's ex will react - don't let that influence the decisions moving forward, that's unfair to you.

As for the children, they're a lot more accepting of these things that adults are. I wouldn't tell them until it's official (ie you are pregnant), and remember that once you tell them, you are effectively telling their mom as well. To ask them to "keep it to themselves" wouldn't be fair on the kids. My ex did that to my daughter, and besides it not working (she told me as soon as she could because she was so full of excitement), it came with a "don't tell dad I told you because he told me not to". Talk about sticking a child in the middle.

Adults know what adding another to the family means, children don't.
Thanks Ms Mom... when we discuss this with the kids, we would not expect them to keep it from their Mom. We know they love babies (they have new cousins on Moms, Dads and my side and adore them). I guess that is why we thought we (I guess more He) should let the ex know. We don't want the kids to spring it on her and her not have a chance to react appropriately

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Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
I haven't gone through this personally, but I can give you my thoughts on the possibility anyways.

Your husband's ex knows he got the snip. And she seems to be kind of a control freak. She's going to absolutely gobsmacked when she hears of a pregnancy. Personally, I would be a little sneaky with her about whatever interventions it took to reverse the process. Just say something like "Yeah, turns out a vasectomy isn't 100% but we're thrilled!" She's less likely to take it as an attack on her if she thinks you didn't do it on purpose.

If I found out my ex was having another child, I am not sure what I'd think. My main worries would be that our children would be replaced in his life (much like I was with his mistress-now-common-law) by the new baby and that they would be hurt by his change in priorities. He sees them little enough as it is. I'd also worry that the paternal grandparents would spend more time with the new baby than they do with our children. I'm the one that still facilitates that relationship because of the access situation. So I guess that my concerns would boil down to a potential loss of time with the existing children in favour of the new baby, for all family members.

My other advice would be that babies are hard to plan! I've heard of some people conceiving right after stopping the birth control, but that wasn't the case for me. Your plans may be longer term than you think, so I'm not sure that stressing about it now is a good idea.
I have also thought of just not telling her. It really isn't her business how we got pregnant, for all she knows we could have had a sperm donor, but either way, I don't think she would be happy.

I can certainly understand the concerns of the children being replaced and I don't ever want the children to feel that way. I want it to be a positive experience for them as well. We plan to redo their rooms this summer and have them help us with the baby's room (we really do want to have everything prepared)

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Originally Posted by stripes View Post
I wouldn't say anything until you actually are pregnant - and even then, not too early on. My ex's new wife had a miscarriage (at least I think that's what happened, putting the pieces together, it's not really any of my business), and our daughter was completely freaked out. She had no idea what had happened, and because she had been told not to tell me anything about it, I couldn't try to comfort or explain anything to her without putting her in an awkward position, because I wasn't officially supposed to know anything. That's my second piece of advice - let the ex in on the news so that she can process it in her own time, and can talk about it with the kids, if they bring it up. Ideally, she'll encourage them to be excited and happy about the new baby. Reality of course may be different ...
I agree... until we know we are in the clear, nothing will be mentioned to the kids about us being pregnant. They found out their Aunt was pregnant only a few weeks after she conceived... they ended up losing the baby after 5 weeks. They truly don't understand I don't think. All they know is that the baby had to go to Heaven.

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Originally Posted by Serene View Post
You have plenty of time to "prepare" kids once they know you are pregnant. Its an exciting time and kids usually can't dismiss the excitement even if their other parent is irked about it. Babies just bring that out in others.

You do not need to discuss with ex wife. And furthermore discussing or advising her in advance is inviting her to comment and give advice on the matter. Do you want that?

We went on to have more children and had to go to greater lengths than the average couple. Mom was pissed to say the least and this is not subjective - she wrote it all out in an email (actually many of them) and sent us her diatribes on our baby. She did that for months. It was hurtful and annoying. But the kids adore their siblings regardless. They refer to them as their sister and brother while mom ensures she refers to them as their "half sister/brother".

The beauty about waiting to tell is I didn't have to endure any additional days under her criticism. For which I am grateful for that.
Honestly, I couldn't care less what she thinks about me or my relationships. Some people are just negative people and are happiest when they are unhappy, so be it. My biggest concern is how it may affect the kids. I know they will be excited and happy to join in the journey, I am just worried about how they may have the depress their excitement or hear negative things at Mom's.

After reading the comments here, I feel the general consensus is to let Mom know that yes we are expecting, may be best to do so a weekend we have the kids so she can process the information and hopefully let any anger out (I would hope she wouldn't be angry, but I am not that hopeful). We will tell the kids when we are at a safer time in the pregnancy. Although we may have to explain that we will eventually be having a baby before the actual pregnancy, because we will be building an additional bedroom and getting things set up.

Thanks everyone!
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Old 03-11-2014, 12:58 AM
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You tell the mom then she'll tell the kids?

Personally I'd wait till after the first trimester and spring it on the mom while you guys have the kids and then the kids so you can reveal it to the kids.

I can't imagine the kids not feeling insecure with the arrival of new kids that are going to take their spot. Another casualty of divorce.
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Old 03-11-2014, 01:48 AM
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This is a very personal and private time for you and your husband!

Enjoy yourself.

I'd say when you are "showing" might be a good time to talk to the kids. (I don't recall their ages). Until then perhaps put off redecorating - not renovating (hold off on the baby wallpaper)? Then you can share with them the mystical and wondrous time of welcoming a new member to your family.

Of course the ex is going to be a shrew about this. I'd recommend waiting so as to not put yourself through extra months of bullying. When it comes down to it, the ex's opinion really doesn't matter.

When you are waddling around, the ex will look pretty stupid to make a scene wouldn't she?

In the meantime the kids will just think you're fat.

I wouldn't complicate things. When you're 6 months pregnant the kids will have several months to celebrate and get involved with plans for the new baby.

Must be terribly exciting for you!

Last edited by arabian; 03-11-2014 at 01:59 AM.
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Old 03-11-2014, 06:52 AM
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Quote:

Personally I'd wait till after the first trimester and spring it on the mom while you guys have the kids and then the kids so you can reveal it to the kids.
Tell them when YOU want to.

You aren't "springing" it on anyone. An announcement of your pregnancy is YOUR business and YOURS to tell when you are ready to anyone and every one you choose.

Quote:
I can't imagine the kids not feeling insecure with the arrival of new kids that are going to take their spot. Another casualty of divorce.
My my, Links needs some antidepressants lol. Our children we had together really brought the other kids together. Made them feel connected. We told them very early into the pregnancy (about 6 weeks) and they were ecstatic. We looked on the internet for what the baby looked like inside me and the kids came to midwifery appointments with me too.

The only thing we did not do was announce the birth of our baby to anyone until Daddy's children could come and see the baby for themselves. Mom would send us terrible emails and I wanted my baby's birthday to be free and clear of any of her BS. Dad picked up kids as he normally would and took them straight to hospital. Our friends and family were very respectful of our request to keep things quiet and off Facebook until we announced it ourselves.
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Old 03-11-2014, 08:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
You tell the mom then she'll tell the kids?

Personally I'd wait till after the first trimester and spring it on the mom while you guys have the kids and then the kids so you can reveal it to the kids.

I can't imagine the kids not feeling insecure with the arrival of new kids that are going to take their spot. Another casualty of divorce.
I guess any child that has a younger sibling must be insecure because a new child is going to take their spot. This can and does happen in intact families as well.

We would be telling the children the same time we tell everyone else. There are still connected friends that it would get around to Mom. Like I said, what she thinks of me means nothing to me. There are plenty of ways to block emails or text messages. It's the children I worry about but I guess there is very little we can do about that.
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