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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 11-02-2010, 01:15 PM
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My wife and I have been pretty much apart since Sept. 09 when I found out she was seeing someone else. We tried to reconcile in March 2010 and things looked promising, we went on a nice vacation and we agreed to work on things. When we got back she started seeing the other guy again and that's when I called it quits.

A few months ago she had me falsely arrested and since that day I have not been home. I was never charged as the police saw through the allegations. We have two children who have been kept from me since I left. Had I not left, I have no doubt I would have found myself in jail. I have always been a good father to my kids but she has used every allegation in the book to try and get full custody of the kids.

We just had a case conference and my lawyer and I have been able to negotiate some things with her counsel. Things are looking up and I will be able to see my kids this coming weekend. We are working towards a 50/50 arrangement with her counsel. So everything is going better than expected.

I have never felt so sad in my entire life though. To see the woman I have two kids with hating me so much was tough. I have every right to do as much as I can against her but I just want what is fair for both of us. I hate the idea of her thinking that I hate her, because regardless of everything I don't. I have a big heart, and friends and family keep pushing me to do more to her because I'm being too soft, but it really hurts to be mean and hurtful to someone I have loved for so long.

I think that she needs help but who am I to say. Her bf was extremely mentally abusive and controlling over her, she has lost me and I think she is really worried about the future. We were best friends and it's so strange to have someone like that accuse me of everything in the book.

I really am having a very hard time with this. On top of everything I keep having to work overtime and sitting alone in my office after everyone goes home is very hard when this stuff is on my mind.
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Old 11-02-2010, 01:55 PM
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Very glad to hear that you may be able to work things out. Don't let the negotiations go on too long though, you want this settled as quickly as possible and if it starts dragging out then she may change her mind.

Try not to focus on how sad you are. I know it's hard and I am still fighting it sometimes as well. It WILL get better, but it's a slow process. Take a look back at where you were and where you are now. I guarantee that something to be happy (and proud) of.
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Old 11-02-2010, 02:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billiechic View Post
Very glad to hear that you may be able to work things out. Don't let the negotiations go on too long though, you want this settled as quickly as possible and if it starts dragging out then she may change her mind.

Try not to focus on how sad you are. I know it's hard and I am still fighting it sometimes as well. It WILL get better, but it's a slow process. Take a look back at where you were and where you are now. I guarantee that something to be happy (and proud) of.
Thanks again Billiechic! Yeah, no point in looking back only looking forward. It's definitely been a tough road but not nearly as long a road as some of the other stories I've heard on this forum.

I know that soon this will be over and everyone can hopefully move forward and get along a little better.....that may be wishful thinking but you never know.

Thanks
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Old 11-02-2010, 06:49 PM
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Do not let the negotiations drag on, as it will only cost you money, and the status quo will begin to set in, and then it will be a very hard road to get your access back up again.
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Old 11-03-2010, 12:35 AM
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I remember back in my first post to you, I said that she's not the woman you loved, she only looks like her. It is very sad, but you lost her a long time ago, and just didn't find out until recently, and it takes time for your heart to catch up to reality. That's going to be a slow process, with ups and downs.

Do what you need to stay focused, on yourself, on your kids, on your work. Try to be forward looking - think of a fun and unusual activity you can do with just you and the kids, and set aside some of your overtime pay towards it. That way, you have something like a trip to Disney to think about in your office. Put up a Mickey postcard next to a picture of them, and focus on that when you find yourself drifting.

Have a great time with your kids this weekend. But don't tell them about the "Disney" plan. You want to avoid the appearance of bribing them to want to be with you.
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Old 11-03-2010, 09:13 AM
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Quote:
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Have a great time with your kids this weekend. But don't tell them about the "Disney" plan. You want to avoid the appearance of bribing them to want to be with you.
Thanks for the great advice. I know what your saying, the woman I married changed and disappeared as soon as she started cheating and became someone else.

I laughed when I got a mental picture of my first visit with the kids in 2 months where I yell out, "Daddy's back and we're going to Disney!". Yeah, I actually have been wanting to take them but I wouldn't tell them till the vacation is booked and my youngest is a little older....maybe in a couple of years. In the meantime putting a reminder up to save for a vacation, like you suggested, is a really good idea.

Thanks
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Old 11-03-2010, 10:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
Do what you need to stay focused, on yourself, on your kids, on your work. Try to be forward looking - think of a fun and unusual activity you can do with just you and the kids, and set aside some of your overtime pay towards it. That way, you have something like a trip to Disney to think about in your office. Put up a Mickey postcard next to a picture of them, and focus on that when you find yourself drifting.
Great call and I realize that Disney was just an example. But remember fun and unusual doesn't have to cost 000's of dollars.

When your kids get older they will guarandamnteed remind you of some event that was imprinted in their minds but that has faded a little into obscurity for you and they will tell you how much they loved and appreciated that time with you.

So don't assume that you have to buy the love. Taking them to the Air Show, to the pumpkin patch, swimming at the beach or the community centre, making the playground after school a routine, an Argo game, the Art Gallery, whatever. The point is there are countless things you can think of that will pull that trigger.

You will be surprised by what it is they thank you for down the road. It won't be what you expect. Dream about that at your office. I do. And give you and your kids all the opportunities you can to let that dream be real years from now.

That's what it's all about.
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Old 11-03-2010, 12:32 PM
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Big Heart doesn't = Door Mat
You can be a good person/father without being taken advantage of.
Anyone who could have someone falsely arrested is someone you can never trust again.
I am sorry. You will just keep getting kicked.
Enjoy you kids this weekend!!!
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Old 11-03-2010, 12:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtotheend View Post
When your kids get older they will guarandamnteed remind you of some event that was imprinted in their minds but that has faded a little into obscurity for you and they will tell you how much they loved and appreciated that time with you.
For me, it was roasting hotdogs over an open fire at the beach, dad's baseball games, swimming in the river down the road, fishing. Guess what those memories cost? Nothing except gas money!

I'm doing those same things with my daughter. Hopefully she will remember some of them, and I will remember the others.

You can have those moments today, this weekend. Do you get the kids 2 weekends from now? Santa Claus Parade in TO Nov. 21..
The Santa Claus Parade
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Old 11-08-2010, 05:47 PM
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Thanks for the info on the Santa Claus parade billiechic. I have my boys that weekend and even though they are older, its a good excuse to hit up downtown TO for the day.
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