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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 05-29-2013, 08:56 PM
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When I receive insulting, accusatory, and ridiculous emails or texts from my X, I fight the temptation to blast him with an immediate reply. I practice in my head what I could say, then I focus on one thing: I know that, although I could counter with a more insulting yet articulate and accurate rebuttal, it drives him absolutely crazy if I don't. I get secret satisfaction knowing that my lack of response is driving him up the wall. I no longer play his game.

When I receive a few more misspelled, grammatically incorrect and openly hostile communications to follow, I know I have been especially successful.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 05-29-2013, 09:52 PM
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As everyone has said, he's just trying to get a rise out of you. If he gets evidence he has gotten under your skin, which would be a reply of any sort, he'll feel he's won, and be encouraged to continue this behaviour. His demands and platitudes have no leg to stand on, and he expects one of two responses: for you to cave in under the pressure and give him some free money he doesn't deserve, or for you to waste your time and energy responding.

Ignore him long enough, and hopefully he'll stop wasting his time trying to bother you. You probably still have to read the emails, in case they have a necessary nugget of child access schedule information, but if they do have something you must reply to, delete all but his relevant sentence in your response, to demonstrate that you are only answering that specific issue, and keep your answer brief. Otherwise, think of each email as confirmation that you are better off without him and set them aside.

Set up your email to automatically filter emails from him into a specific folder, and only look in it when you are feeling emotionally prepared.
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 05-29-2013, 09:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frustratedwithex View Post
May be the person making the higher income does so because the lower income earner made sacrifices the higher income earner was not willing to make. Not saying thats the OPs situation, just saying its possible!
Could you give some examples of "sacrifices" that were made and why a joint and equal parent cannot be an equal income earner too? Just as they are "equal parents"?

We are discussing full joint custodial parents with equal 50-50 access in the context of this thread just to clarify. Not sole custodial majority access parents.

If we are going to discuss equality... Then it should be equal on all levels in my opinion but, I am taking the humanist perspective on the argument in the purest form of what defines "equality" in the role of parents.


Quote:
Originally Posted by frustratedwithex View Post
Really!! Just because I collect child support I am not attempting to increase my income, which by the way will never, never, never match my exs. And I am relying on "handouts" and I am not a role model for my children?!!
Why are you not "attempting to increase my (your) income"? Now, this may not be an appropriate question as you may not be a full joint custodial parent with equal 50-50 access. I again point out that the discussion in this thread is about equal residential parents (equal access) on a 50-50 basis. Not, sole custodial and majority access parents...

If you want to be a role model in a 50-50 situation, then be an equal parent and equal contributor to the children's emotional, physical and financial needs. In a 50-50 access schedule both parents have equal time with the children and equal opportunity to use their down-time from the children to improve their skills and employment opportunities. It isn't like either one of them has to be with the children all the time... It is 50-50.

Quote:
Originally Posted by frustratedwithex View Post
I know you are trying to make the OP feel better about her situation, but this reasoning is ridiculous. Her ex. is an ass, enough said.
Is the reasoning "ridiculous" in the context of a "equal" parental arrangement? I guess we have different definitions of "equal" then. I extend equal to custodial decisions, access time and expectations of financial support to the children.

We can simply agree to disagree on this one.

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 05-30-2013, 12:42 AM
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Qrious and frustratedwithex: astonishingly, we appear to have married and divorced the same person. Or perhaps it was evil triplets, like something from an Austin Powers movie.

Rioe: ex doesn't have a lawyer, which is one reason why I take his legal threats as simple bluster. When we were negotiating the divorce judgment, I'd get emails saying "his lawyer" insisted on this or that, things that even I as a non-lawyer knew wouldn't fly (like wanting no reference to MEP in the judgment, or wanting to take out any commitment to exchange financial information). I held firm on all of that stuff. When it came time to take the thing down to the courthouse to file, he signed with an affidavit of execution, i.e. no legal representation. So either he had a really bad lawyer, or he had an imaginary friend.

I have a separate email address that I use only for his messages, so it doesn't get mixed up with my real life. I check it once a day, which is surely the highlight of most days. I do read the crazynastygrams because, as you say, there's the occasional nugget of child-related information buried somewhere.

I have a friend who reminds me that "you are not obligated to attend every f*ckup you are invited to". Putting that into practice is liberating, though it's not easy.
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 05-30-2013, 12:48 AM
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Tayken: you mention earlier that I have no obligation to offer him extra nights with D7 when I'm away on business. I had been under the impression that it was standard practice to offer the other parent "first refusal" on extra nights, as an extension of the "friendly parent" principle, according to which we are expected to facilitate our child's relationship with the other parent, including maximizing their time with that parent when we aren't available.

Was I mistaken, and I'm *not* expected to ask him to look after D7 if I'm out of town on one of my nights? If so, awesome. One less thing I have to deal with him about. (He's noisily refused to take her the last couple of times and she's stayed with a good friend, quite happily)

(I should note that I schedule my work travel as far as possible around my child schedule, and with the exception of one 10-day trip last year, I only need coverage around once every four months or so).
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 05-30-2013, 12:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Could you give some examples of "sacrifices" that were made and why a joint and equal parent cannot be an equal income earner too? Just as they are "equal parents"?

If we are going to discuss equality... Then it should be equal on all levels in my opinion but, I am taking the humanist perspective on the argument in the purest form of what defines "equality" in the role of parents.
The decisions both of us made while we were married impact his income earning level and mine. I will never make an income equal to his. It does not mean I don't support our children, offset is in place.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Why are you not "attempting to increase my (your) income"? Now, this may not be an appropriate question as you may not be a full joint custodial parent with equal 50-50 access. I again point out that the discussion in this thread is about equal residential parents (equal access) on a 50-50 basis. Not, sole custodial and majority access parents...
I didn't say I wasn't attempting to increase my income. But describing anyone who accepts support in a 50/50 situation as relying on handouts and a poor role model for the children, is, in my opinion ridiculous reasoning.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
If you want to be a role model in a 50-50 situation, then be an equal parent and equal contributor to the children's emotional, physical and financial needs. In a 50-50 access schedule both parents have equal time with the children and equal opportunity to use their down-time from the children to improve their skills and employment opportunities. It isn't like either one of them has to be with the children all the time... It is 50-50.
Who gets to define if I or my ex. contribute equally to the children's emotional and physical needs? Because if I get to make that call, I would say he fails. So is he a role model in a 50/50 situation because he contributes more financially? That makes him an equal parent?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
We can simply agree to disagree on this one.

Good Luck!
Tayken
Yeah, I disagree.
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 05-30-2013, 01:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
I have a separate email address that I use only for his messages, so it doesn't get mixed up with my real life. I check it once a day, which is surely the highlight of most days. I do read the crazynastygrams because, as you say, there's the occasional nugget of child-related information buried somewhere. QUOTE]
I read my exs. e-mails in the morning. That way I could get some sleep.

At one point he started putting "without predjudice" in the subject line. At the time, I thought , what an ass, thinks he's a lawyer!
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 05-30-2013, 01:33 AM
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Ha! We really did marry the same genius! They sure do love the big lawyer lingo.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 05-30-2013, 07:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frustratedwithex View Post
The decisions both of us made while we were married impact his income earning level and mine. I will never make an income equal to his. It does not mean I don't support our children, offset is in place.
But, one would question possibly why there is 50-50 access schedule then if you were say a "stay at home parent"?

Why could you "never make an income equal to his"? You are intelligent from what I can tell in your postings. So, what is holding you back from making equal or even more than the other parent? You may not be able to do it in the immediate but, with 50% of your time not occupied you do have the opportunity to train for a new career, etc...

Quote:
Originally Posted by frustratedwithex View Post
I didn't say I wasn't attempting to increase my income. But describing anyone who accepts support in a 50/50 situation as relying on handouts and a poor role model for the children, is, in my opinion ridiculous reasoning.
You actually did say that as I quoted you directly. You may not have "meant" what you said.

You may feel it is ridiculous reasoning but, I am premising my argument that equality should extend to all aspects of "shared parenting". Even financial responsibility. But, it may be difficult to discuss this topic as you obviously feel you are being targeted by my statement. Clearly my statements have touched a nerve and you have taken them personally.

Quote:
Originally Posted by frustratedwithex View Post
Who gets to define if I or my ex. contribute equally to the children's emotional and physical needs?
Well, if you are a full joint custodial parent with 50-50 access... You defined that you are "equal" parents. You either did this by agreement or a court did it for you on an order.

If the 50-50 access and joint custody was the result of an order on a motion or trial it does bring to light why someone would think they are nothing more (or less) of a joint custodial parent and equal access parent.

As well, society has an expectation (as does the court) that the best interests of children is best served by joint custody and equal access ("shared parenting").

Quote:
Originally Posted by frustratedwithex View Post
Because if I get to make that call, I would say he fails.
That is your personal opinion of the track record of the other parent. But, either an agreement or court order is in place for 50-50 equal access and joint custody. So, despite your "feelings" that "he fails" he is recognized by an agreement as an equal parent with equal access. This is despite your feelings that "he fails" as a parent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by frustratedwithex View Post
So is he a role model in a 50/50 situation because he contributes more financially? That makes him an equal parent?
Actually, the other parent is a role model because they contribute equally emotionally and physically to the children's well being and they contribute more financially to the children's well being. Not only can this parent "be a parent" they can be one that also earns a larger income. All while having the equal and same responsibility to meet the emotional and physical needs of the children. In my opinion it speaks volumes to this parent's abilities... Furthermore, if the other parent was truly a "failure" then they wouldn't be a joint custodial parent with equal access...

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 05-30-2013, 07:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frustratedwithex View Post
I read my exs. e-mails in the morning. That way I could get some sleep.

At one point he started putting "without predjudice" in the subject line. At the time, I thought , what an ass, thinks he's a lawyer!
Actually, that is common to do. You don't need to be registered with the Law Society of Upper Canada to mark correspondence "WITH PREJUDICE". Especially if you are an unrepresented litigant.

Unrepresented litigants are expected to know the law, represent their position and conduct themselves under the same Rules and expectations that a barrister and solicitor have. In fact, an unrepresented litigant such as WorkingDad is more deadly than a lawyer could be as they know the content of the file better. The biggest gap for many unrepresented litigants is the knowledge and application of law. But, as we have seen with WorkingDad's case if you understand the Rules just as well (or possibly better) than a lawyer you don't need a law degree to get through family court.

In fact, when someone improperly marks correspondence with "WITHOUT PREJUDICE" you should thank them quietly for it... Because if it is truly filled with nonsense and you attach it to an affidavit as evidence... They can't have it removed because they didn't know what "WITHOUT PREJUDICE" means...

Good Luck!
Tayken
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