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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 03-07-2015, 09:00 PM
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Im having a hard time letting the bs be tonight. My partner is in the other room playing xbox because hes hurt, frustrated and angry.

Once again he got the shaft for visiting his kid because of the ex in laws. They booked a holiday without consulting him. Not that his feelings matter since his daughter is still ignoring him. This time because he ignored her demand (yes demand) for money for something after not speaking to him for two months. His oldest is in a snit because she thinks hes intruding in her life because he sent a card to her residence. My god what an asshole for caring about his kid! This goes along with the bs comments from the ex about how she doesnt agree with the way Family Law dictates how they pay for things.

Honestly. I have never experienced such selfish spoiled people who just think that its ok to treat someone with good intentions like crap. He had planned to make muffins for the one at school and ship her a care package but after this march break bs he said forget it. He is finally "getting it" in the sense that hes stopped begging, hes stopped saying crap to the ex about how the kids behave and he is sort of accepting their behaviour. Doesnt mean it hurts less. Doesnt mean he is able to truly let it go.

For me its hard to watch. I understand the alienation, the lies and manipulation. It just really sucks and I hate it. Its complete crap!
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Old 03-07-2015, 10:11 PM
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It completely sucks, I agree! However, he should still send the care package. His love for his children is unconditional, isn't it? Maybe don't spend too much money on it, but demonstrating that his love is constant and unchanging is very important in his sort of situation. She may not want to hear from him, but I bet she still loves Oreos. As are the ongoing invitations to come spend time with him, even if they are routinely declined.

As for the school issue, is there any way he can make a partial payment directly to the school or something (and get a receipt so they can't deny he paid anything). Make sure the amount is definitely less than his proper share works out to, but some sort of demonstration (for a judge really, not for the ex) that he is the one being reasonable. Send an email about it, saying he's made a payment of $X and that once he sees documentation about the full expense, he'll know what the remaining balance of his share is and pay it then.
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Old 03-07-2015, 11:28 PM
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We love our kids unconditionally... But we don't always have to like them.

Agreed, he should continue to send small, thoughtful care packages and extend the invitation to spend time, but don't be too emotionally invested or count on having the invitations accepted - it will still be disappointing but not crushing.

Yes, it Sucks. :-(
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Old 03-08-2015, 01:27 AM
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Personally, If something doesn't work I try something else. This reminds me of pursuer - avoider relationships....

Sometimes you need to give people space and just "be there". Eventually they may or may not come around
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Old 03-08-2015, 01:59 PM
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Hes going to do just that. Leave them be. In the 2+ years Ive known him hes been fighting an uphill battle and no matter how many times they kick him in the face he just keeps going back. Hes had a therapist and three lawyers tell him he needs to stop doing this to himself. Hes just very stubborn and feels that the kids must remember what a good parent he was. I have to keep reminding him that the ex's rhetoric is always going to win. At least until they have some level of maturity to understand. That could take years or it could never happen.

I have about 20% frustration at him that he cant see it or accept it and the rest for the ex and her games. Its heartbreaking but I think hes finally getting it. He told me this morning its taken up too much of his emotional well being. They make their choices right or wrong and they have to live with the consequences. Just as hes had to live with the consequences of his decisions.

His lawyer said it right to him last year. When money gets involved inevitably the custodial parent uses the kids to punish the payor. This is the reality hes living. He said hes done fighting. They want to be left alone, fine.
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