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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 12-09-2010, 11:06 PM
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Default Positives PLEASE.

I am just wondering if anyone has anything positive to say about their cases? Yes I know this is a long battle and I've heard all the negative press about trying to fight for what is right but I am so emotionally spun, I just want to believe there will be an eventual end result of some kind of workable peace and family life ahead.

I am a step mom of two wonderful girls (6 and 7). They are so fragile and the situation just keeps getting worse. We have called CAS, the school, and have tried counseling. We make sure they get plenty of love and attention when they are here with us but it feels like a drop in a bucket compared to the crazy, erratic, and sometimes cruel manipulations they endure at their moms.

We are in debt and incurring more by going the legal route as any attempts to negotiate a peaceful resolution have been blocked. We have tried everything but it is always the kids that suffer. I am so worried about them. I am worried about us.

It seems like all anyone has to say is how mom's can get away with abusing their kids, parent alienation, lies and cruelty and the courts do nothing about it but suck you dry? Is it really as faulty as that? Do the courts really not take into account the children's well being? I want to protect these kids and help them become kind, caring well adjusted people like I have done with my own son.

If I do nothing about their pain, I feel I am as bad as the one hurting them. Morally idealistic perhaps. Misguided definitely.

Please if anyone has anything useful to say about how peace, resolution, protection can be found at the end of all this? I really need to have an infusion of hope right now.
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:32 AM
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A judge decides about the children without ever seeing them. What do you expect? The spineless, immoral liars always win in these kind of battles. They don't have anything to loose.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rszalai View Post
A judge decides about the children without ever seeing them. What do you expect? The spineless, immoral liars always win in these kind of battles. They don't have anything to loose.
Way to go dude. I'm quite sure that bitchin' hit the spot she was itchin'.

rszalai, what happened in your situation is completely different then what could happen in someone else's situation, especially when it goes to court. You're giving people false expectations by saying 'this is the way it works here' rather than saying 'this is what happened in my SPECIFIC situation'.

Hey karmaseeker, I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. If Mom's whacked and has the custody hammer, you're behind the eight ball. But it's not hopeless.

Pick and choose your legal battles. You've only got so much ammo, use it wisely.

Get some counselling to help you gain clarity and coping mechanisms for dealing with Mom's whacked behaviour.

Faith that the children will eventually see for themselves what time it is will see you through.

Last edited by dadtotheend; 12-10-2010 at 09:33 AM.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by karmaseeker View Post
I am just wondering if anyone has anything positive to say about their cases? Yes I know this is a long battle and I've heard all the negative press about trying to fight for what is right but I am so emotionally spun, I just want to believe there will be an eventual end result of some kind of workable peace and family life ahead.
Every situation is different. I can say that if you do what is in the children's best interests and don't put down the other parent - one day I believe that the children will realize that you put their needs 1st. You will have a great adult relationship with them. Just never give up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by karmaseeker View Post
If I do nothing about their pain, I feel I am as bad as the one hurting them. Morally idealistic perhaps. Misguided definitely.
The only thing that you can do for their pain is legally seek to end any abuses and be there for them. You cannot "fix" the other parent. You can only do the best that you yourself can do... I know that it sounds really simplistic (and does not work in abusive situations) but I look at each insane thing that the other parent does as a learning situation for your kids. That approach worked for me... Your kids will learn from all of the good things that you teach them, they will also learn from your mistakes (and those of the other parent). If you have a happy, successful life then most likely they will model their behavior after you. Be strong yourself to teach them strength.

Quote:
Originally Posted by karmaseeker View Post
Please if anyone has anything useful to say about how peace, resolution, protection can be found at the end of all this? I really need to have an infusion of hope right now.
You'll have a hard time finding anyone "at the end of this" on this board. We are all stuck in various stages of this or we wouldn't be here. You can only guarantee "peace, resolution, protection" by taking the appropriate actions and realizing that you are doing the best that you can for your children. That is enough. Try not to let it eat you up. Go out, see friends, volunteer, visit with family... you don't have to be happy about this situation, but make your life happy in general. Lookin for an infusion of hope... this board is full of hope. Every person on here looking for advice is hope. Every person on here looking to vent is hope. People may moan and scream and fight with each other, the stories are (at times) horrendous - but if it was hopeless no one would be posting on this forum.

Good luck
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:34 AM
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Crap , should have known DTTE would beat me to it. Way more succinctly too! ARGH!
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:37 AM
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Nahhh, I just busted a rhyme.

You were very good. She will benefit from hearing from a few people.
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Old 12-10-2010, 10:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lumpy View Post
Lookin for an infusion of hope... this board is full of hope. Every person on here looking for advice is hope. Every person on here looking to vent is hope. People may moan and scream and fight with each other, the stories are (at times) horrendous - but if it was hopeless no one would be posting on this forum.

Good luck
Most of the people posting on this forum are here fighting for what is best for their kids. THAT gives me hope
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Old 12-10-2010, 12:56 PM
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Thank you everyone. It has been a rough road and it is hard to stay grounded through it all, especially when so many people rain down a sense of doom on you.

We are in counselling to help take the edge off and to keep us united through the storms.

Thank you for confirming that there is hope. I needed to hear that.
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Old 12-11-2010, 11:38 AM
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I am one of those rare people whose case, unfortunately went to trial. I won sole custody but it was a 2 1/2 year rollercoaster that still continues because he is now threatening bankruptcy to get out of the court ordered costs.

This guy did everything to harm me and my son including false allegations of abuse. There were so so many times I wanted to quit and I look back now and wonder what gave me stregth. My son gave me strength. And knowing that I could not live with myself if I gave up without a fight. Plus I have an unbelievably supportive family. It was worth it. You are doing all the right things. Trying to make the time the kids spend with you as normal as possible and sheltering them from the chaos. It's really hard to keep that balance. My son was exposed to all the nitty gritty details of our litigation by his Dad. I shudder when I think how much his father harmed him in his quest to make him hate me. I wasn't perfect and I slipped occassionally but overall I think my son knows that I am the parent and he is the kid and I will worry about the big things so that he can be a kid.
Some Parents have no conscience when it comes to using their children as pawns. For those of us who could never do this to our kids, it is hard to fathom. But I was my best advice when I accepted that he would stop at absolutely nothing to "win". I kept my sanity by keeping my scruples all the while learning to understand that I was dealing with someone who was completely irrational and malicious.
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Old 12-11-2010, 11:59 AM
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Wow, long row to hoe.

How much were your legal fees, and how much of that was he ordered to pay?
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