Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce Support

Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 07-08-2012, 11:44 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 29
Gladtobesingleagain is on a distinguished road
Default No gifts no money, why?

I'm not sure if this is the proper place to post but here goes...

I have a son who turned three at the end of May. His dad has never given him a birthday or Christmas gift (I know, he has not had too many in his young life). We split up when I was pregnant. His dad also has another son from his first marriage who is now 12 years of age. As far as I know, he has given him gifts on b-days and Christmases. He did when we were together and he did at least mention to me that he had given him gifts in times after we split. He also does not pay child support and at this point, nothing is needed for anything than that as he doesn't attend a daycare or anything like expensive sports. He does speak with our son on the phone about once a week. Dad lives in another province.

Anyway, I guess I'm writing asking if anyone has an idea why a parent would be like that--- not give gifts or pay support.

My son has no idea about no gifts at his age and of course no idea that there has not been any child support. If this continues, what does anyone think would be a good way to answer if my son asks why he didn't get a gift from dad? He's way too young to have any idea about support so I just mean: what could I say to him?

I'm really hurt by this. I know it's been over two months. I just feel so sad for my boy.

His dad does work making decent pay so I know he's not unemployed or unable to work.

Thanks anyone for answering.
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 07-08-2012, 11:55 PM
Rioe's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 3,217
Rioe will become famous soon enough
Default

He is pretty much required by law to give you child support, especially if the child resides solely with you. If he isn't doing it voluntarily, you can take him to court, and should. Have you never pursued child support? Is he paying for other expenses that he feels might cover the child support obligation? Or, he could just be a jerk. Get a separation agreement in place, with child support provisions, and hopefully he'll start paying. You might be doing okay without the money, but kids get more expensive over time, and it's his responsibility to support his children. You can also go after him for arrears.

Some people are deadbeats and just want to forget their exes, and any children they had with that person. So they don't pay child support because they consider that phase of their life over, or they hate their ex so much they would deprive the children just to get back at their other parent. But most people understand that they have an obligation and follow through with it.

Try talking to him and remind him he has a legal obligation. Get a basic separation agreement drafted formalizing your custody arrangement and include his child support being paid as per table. Send it to him as a reasonable offer, and if he refuses, you can take him to court and ask that the cost be paid by him.

As to why someone wouldn't buy their child gifts at birthdays and Christmas, that sounds like a cultural or psychological issue. He could just be the type of man who leaves gift giving up to the woman, or maybe he is only waiting till the child is old enough to appreciate gifts, maybe he thinks grandparents have spoiled the child with too many gifts already, who knows. It would be very hard to speculate why.

Last edited by Rioe; 07-09-2012 at 12:00 AM.
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 07-09-2012, 09:47 AM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 29
Gladtobesingleagain is on a distinguished road
Default

Hi thanks for answering.

We've not been together since I was about 4.5 months pregnant

I meant its been two months since my son's birthday.

My ex did pay support to his first exwife but never increased the amount though he makes over double what he agreed to in their original agreement. As far as I know he still pays her.

I do have an order for child support but he's never paid.

He does call about once a week.

He's never given him any gifts

Why would a parent be like this??
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 07-09-2012, 12:03 PM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,846
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

Welcome to the forum.

I really think it is important that you do not speculate on why or why not the father of your child gives gifts. If you want to know then ask the father. Getting ample child support is the most important issue - you can buy the child gifts yourself. You split up before the child was born. Gifts are symbolic of affection and it would be a stretch to expect the father of the child to feel a bond or attachment when he isn't in the child's life on a day to day basis.
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 07-09-2012, 12:57 PM
Tayken's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6,486
Tayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant future
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gladtobesingleagain View Post
I do have an order for child support but he's never paid.
Register the order with the FRO and let them deal with the non-payment and collection of support in accordance with the court order. Start the process now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gladtobesingleagain View Post
He's never given him any gifts

Why would a parent be like this??
The question unfortunately is irrelevant. You have expectations for the other parent to parent like you want. That is not how it is going nor how it will go probably now or in the future. Your largest concern should not be "gifts" but, the support as stated by other posters.

It is hard to speculate why the other parent is not involved? Ordered not to be involved, EOW parent, high conflict, doesn't want to be involved, doesn't care to be involved, etc...

You love your child and that is what is most important. There are many parent-less children in the world that grow up fine. It takes love to raise a child and not gifts. Giving a gift is not a demonstration of love it is only a demonstration of one's financial well being.

Maybe, you should consider offering a 50-50 full joint equal access arrangement to get the other parent involved in the child's life if you feel his involvement is that important.

The best way any parent can demonstrate love and share love is through equal access and joint custody.

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 07-09-2012, 04:25 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 29
Gladtobesingleagain is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks for all the replies everyone.

I wrote in "divorce Support" section because I know I'm already SOL regarding getting any child support and thus didn't need any legal advice in that vein.

My order is currently being "enforced". Because he's behind on three years arrears, he's had his credit reported, federal interception, his license withdrawn, passport taken away (whatever the proper term is I'm not sure offhand), they've done traces on bank accounts, properties. There is really nothing else to be done. My ex is self employed and thus just gets a pay cheque ewhich he just cashes at his employers bank and lives off the cash nothing goes to a bank anymore. He already had bad credit so that did nothing, he owes the government thousands in back taxes so perhaps I may see $ when it's time to go on CPP but I doubt there will be not much and I don't think much could be intercepted anyway.
I
I've spoken to the agency and basically they were like, yeah, we have thousands and thousands of payors like this. Nothing else we can do. Have a nice life.

Thanks everyone for giving insight into why he acts like this.

I was hoping to get some speculation from strangers and your replies have helped me. I think he just wants to get back at me and this is his way in doing it.I guess he doesn't feel attached to him and yes, perhaps I'm expecting him to parent like me...

I have asked why again has he never sent anything and the response is "yeah yeah I know I should get him something...." then subject change.

My son is an awesome amazing lil guy....I'm glad you said that kids turn out fine I'm sure he will I'm trying really hard.

This has been so helpful.

I'm just going to let it go in terms of letting it bother me and hurt me. I guess in the end he will reap what he's sown in the end.
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 07-09-2012, 04:33 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 29
Gladtobesingleagain is on a distinguished road
Smile

Re-reading your post responses everyone and thank you again. It's been so helpful. Thank you all so much.

I guess it's much too early to worry about what my son will feel like in the future. I'm not sure how I'll handle it but I'll just try to focus on the positives in his life.

Thank you all again
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 07-09-2012, 08:00 PM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,846
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

Sometimes you have to help the collection process. He calls you. Does he have a vehicle/insurance? People don't change habits and tend to go to same places, hang with the same people. Do your kid a favor and get information and turn it over to FRO. You need child support - fuck the gifts.
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 07-09-2012, 11:24 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 29
Gladtobesingleagain is on a distinguished road
Default

Hi Arabian thanks for replying again.

Yes I have a cell phone number and address.

He does have a vehicle and insurance and I told the enforcement agency twice about the car---make, model, license plate. Basically it sounds to me they won't put a lien on it or revoke his insurance because he needs it to work. They don't put non-payors in jail because then they can't work and pay support. In my situation he pays me nothing and a stint in jail would not hinder receiving nothing in child support. They told me not paying CS is not a crime. That's what I meant when I'm SOL. Though the law says they can put a non payor in jail or put a lien on a car or not renew insurance ---- they just rarely do that.
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 07-10-2012, 01:55 AM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,846
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

I'd be questioning the FRO BIG TIME. He hasn't paid so he doesn't deserve to operate a vehicle period. In Alberta they do put people in jail AND take away vehicles. I'm sure Ontario is no different. You probably have to start calling once a week to FRO and try to get them accountable. Just doesn't make much sense to me. As an employer for many years (over 25) I got regular updates all the time about deadbeat parents. I was careful about hiring and checked the list every time we hired someone.

My ex is self-employed and if he doesn't pay me they cancel his license. No excuses.

Check into it again and for your child's sake don't let him get off the hook on this. Persistence pays off. Yes it is stressful but you have to do what is right for your child. I am quite amazed that you want to have anything to do with this person. You certainly don't sound overly bitter - many people on this forum would applaud you for not threatening no visits with your child for non-payment of support. You are a better person than I am. I wouldn't give him the time of day and would discourage future contact with my child. If he's cheap with his wallet then he will be sure to be cheap with his heart. That is just my personal opinion though. Hope things work out for you.

Good luck!
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Money in Trust Fund Nae Divorce & Family Law 2 03-14-2012 10:56 AM
lies, deceit and money!!!! tugofwar Divorce & Family Law 30 11-14-2011 03:17 PM
The time has arrived - the hard issues of money and keeping the lights on. ddol1 Divorce & Family Law 10 09-01-2011 10:15 AM
Spouse wants money CNR Common Law Issues 8 01-22-2008 07:51 PM
Kicked out - no money, no work permit, no help phaidros52 Financial Issues 8 12-07-2005 06:09 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:16 PM.