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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2017, 09:27 AM
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Did you not tell the Dr that your ex hadn't even seen him on the new meds? Is it possible the school communicated with your ex...as they did you, that your child was having issues since the new med? If not, then yes I agree with Rock it was a dick move.

Remember his emotions are high too though .... you're denying him an equal relationship. As you can see it's causing a lot unneeded tension.

Perhaps this could go in his favour by him saying he needs to see his kids more to be able to observe these things in order to make proper decision with you.

Remember how a lot of judges and parents feel now-a-days:

http://www.canlii.org/en/ab/abqb/doc...&resultIndex=8

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In any event, however, it seems obvious that children will establish a healthier relationship with a parent in circumstances which are not artificial; parenting only on the weekends is artificial since life is composed of weekday living as well as of weekend living. Weekday bedtimes, weekday homework, weekday chores are all part of normal living and the children have a right to experience that normal living with their father.
A byproduct of this is that dad will be able to make more informed decisions about his child, such as meds, etc with a 50/50 regime.
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Old 01-17-2017, 09:42 AM
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Originally Posted by LovingFather32 View Post
Did you not tell the Dr that your ex hadn't even seen him on the new meds? Is it possible the school communicated with your ex...as they did you, that your child was having issues since the new med? If not, then yes I agree with Rock it was a dick move.

Remember his emotions are high too though .... you're denying him an equal relationship. As you can see it's causing a lot unneeded tension.

Perhaps this could go in his favour by him saying he needs to see his kids more to be able to observe these things in order to make proper decision with you.

Remember how a lot of judges and parents feel now-a-days:

http://www.canlii.org/en/ab/abqb/doc...&resultIndex=8


A byproduct of this is that dad will be able to make more informed decisions about his child, such as meds, etc with a 50/50 regime.


I dont think he was able to think that far ahead. Sounds more like he was stirring the pot and pulling a dick move. Dont give him more credit than he deserves. Disagreeing on a medication is normal but not discussing it with mom before going behind her back to the doctor is ridiculous.

My partner and his ex have an acrimonious relationship at the best of times and even when he got info about his kid second hand he went to his ex to discuss first before attacking her credibility to the service provider.
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Old 01-17-2017, 10:12 AM
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Do not place much value on the Teachers reports. Once labelled with ADHD they will always want him medicated.

Schools work on the numbers game. More children diagnosed with behavioural issues and special needs; more teacher assistants hired for the school. Teachers have huge classes and need help. Teachers do not have time to give children individual time and attention so any " out of the norm" children get labelled.

You need a proper diagnosis from a doctor qualified in that field. Until you have that I would likely,think your ex would win any decision to wait on medication until a proper diagnosis is given.

Approach your ex and come up with a plan to encourage your child to focus at school. Merit points and positive reinforcement. Work together to improve his school,focus without medication.
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Old 01-17-2017, 10:43 AM
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Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
I dont think he was able to think that far ahead. Sounds more like he was stirring the pot and pulling a dick move. Dont give him more credit than he deserves. Disagreeing on a medication is normal but not discussing it with mom before going behind her back to the doctor is ridiculous.
It was my understanding this occurred during his parenting time? Sometimes you just have to call the doctor and do what's best for your kid,at that time. If my child was on medication and she started having random fevers and throwing up, I would take her to a clinic/hospital immediately and call mom to let her know I was there. Whatever the doctor says when they see the child is what goes.That would have been the ideal approach. Calling the doctor and receiving that recommendation in his parenting time to stop the medication is not a whole lot different.

And Angie the material change would be that through the passage of time, the child has developed ADHD and is struggling in school. This is not a disputed fact. The child's needs are different than they were 8 years ago.

I know I'm kicking a dead horse here but I really think you should consider 50/50 and settling the case, so you can both focus your energy on helping your child. You don't want the conflict to start effecting your son more and more to the point of anxiety and depression in your child. The anxiety you have is obviously going to effect your child's emotional well being. The stress the father feels is going to effect the child as well. You're both taking part in this.

Last edited by trinton; 01-17-2017 at 10:46 AM.
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Old 01-17-2017, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by trinton View Post
It was my understanding this occurred during his parenting time? Sometimes you just have to call the doctor and do what's best for your kid,at that time. If my child was on medication and she started having random fevers and throwing up, I would take her to a clinic/hospital immediately and call mom to let her know I was there. Whatever the doctor says when they see the child is what goes.That would have been the ideal approach. Calling the doctor and receiving that recommendation in his parenting time to stop the medication is not a whole lot different.

And Angie the material change would be that through the passage of time, the child has developed ADHD and is struggling in school. This is not a disputed fact. The child's needs are different than they were 8 years ago.

I know I'm kicking a dead horse here but I really think you should consider 50/50 and settling the case, so you can both focus your energy on helping your child. You don't want the conflict to start effecting your son more and more to the point of anxiety and depression in your child. The anxiety you have is obviously going to effect your child's emotional well being. The stress the father feels is going to effect the child as well. You're both taking part in this.

I think the big thing you are missing though is that he called the doctor, without discussing first with me, and lied about seeing a reduced appetite on the increased dosage. He did not see his son once during the week the dose increased. This is why it's such a "dick move". He literally just didn't show up at my house one day to pick up the medication for the weekend (as was our routine) leaving me having to call him to figure out what was going on. When I inquired with the doc, he told me what my ex's supposed observations were. I did inform him that my ex couldn't have observed this, but the doc was already in an uncomfortable spot and I don't think he was willing to disregard what my ex had told him. A doctor isn't going to assume a parent is lying about their kid.
I feel that you are right that he could spin the whole passage of time, ADD business to suggest my son isn't thriving; however, wouldn't he need to convince the judge that being in my care so much more is somehow detrimental to his progress? He is the one who took him off the thing that was helping him progress.



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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2017, 11:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Beachnana View Post
Do not place much value on the Teachers reports. Once labelled with ADHD they will always want him medicated.

Schools work on the numbers game. More children diagnosed with behavioural issues and special needs; more teacher assistants hired for the school. Teachers have huge classes and need help. Teachers do not have time to give children individual time and attention so any " out of the norm" children get labelled.

You need a proper diagnosis from a doctor qualified in that field. Until you have that I would likely,think your ex would win any decision to wait on medication until a proper diagnosis is given.

Approach your ex and come up with a plan to encourage your child to focus at school. Merit points and positive reinforcement. Work together to improve his school,focus without medication.
I agree with you 100%. The mean average in rating school comes into play. Much simpler for schools to have underachievers labelled as 'special needs' so their marks don't bring the school average down. This is a reality. I found out about this myself when a school tried to label my son. Independent testing showed he was of average intelligence but basically not motivated. Had I gone along with school psychologist my son would have been medicated as well. It's really disgusting.

There is a solution - tutors.
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Old 01-17-2017, 11:07 AM
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Is there a natural remedy he could take in lieu of the medication?
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Old 01-17-2017, 11:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachnana View Post
Do not place much value on the Teachers reports. Once labelled with ADHD they will always want him medicated.

Schools work on the numbers game. More children diagnosed with behavioural issues and special needs; more teacher assistants hired for the school. Teachers have huge classes and need help. Teachers do not have time to give children individual time and attention so any " out of the norm" children get labelled.

You need a proper diagnosis from a doctor qualified in that field. Until you have that I would likely,think your ex would win any decision to wait on medication until a proper diagnosis is given.

Approach your ex and come up with a plan to encourage your child to focus at school. Merit points and positive reinforcement. Work together to improve his school,focus without medication.


True there is rampant over-diagnosis in the schools. I agree.
I disagree that more special needs = more teacher's assistants. I think teachers should be given the benefit of the doubt. I know a few
It takes more than the average ADD diagnosis to drive funding for extra help in the classroom. I read the teacher's assessments very carefully and have consulted with them frequently over the years. I could literally show you the marked difference in report card mark and observational progress from one year to the next when not on the meds to starting on them. It was significant for my son. My ex has been informed along the way but maybe doesn't realize the repercussions here. That is my stance.
Merit points don't always work in a situation where the child isn't in control of whether they can focus or not. Positive reinforcement is of course good in any situation involving kids.
I know medication isn't for everyone....that's a whole different discussion.


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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2017, 11:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Ange71727 View Post
The kicker is, my ex didn't see him ONCE on the schedule during the week of the increased dose...

Nope, wasn't with dad at all on the new meds. Dad made the call without seeing his kid.
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2017, 11:28 AM
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When I inquired with the doc, he told me what my ex's supposed observations were. I did inform him that my ex couldn't have observed this, but the doc was already in an uncomfortable spot and I don't think he was willing to disregard what my ex had told him.
Sounds like an amazing case for "Parallel Parenting", Only one of you should be making these decisions if this crap is going on. You sure the school didn't notify of appetite? I think dad may have consulted with them. If not, I suppose its a dick move...or just a concerned parent over administering new meds without the medical go-ahead from a qualified psychologist and assessment. I "kind of" understand this. Did you go ahead with the new meds without consulting him also?

A certified psychologist should be the one deciding diagnosis' and a formal psychoeducational assessment should be conducted before meds are given.

There are of course cases where meds have been prescribed before all of this but only when there are significant behaviours occurring, which I don't believe is o in your situation.

When children's appetite are affected by ADHD meds, it's recommended to eat small portions throughout the day instead of larger ones.

Some students we have sit away from the crowd in class at certain points in the day. Some students have earphones (I know it's stigmatic but it works).

I use "Therbands" on desks to allow for students to have something to kick. It seems to help them concentrate.

The teacher needs to allow for flexibility (allowing longer to complete tasks ; only having to complete half a worksheet), etc

I've given some ADHD students study carrels (a private plastic wall around their desk) to minimise distractions while they work.

Be sure lessons, instructions and expectations are given "visually". Teachers can't expect inattentive type ADHD kids to get it right away when explained fast and verbally.

Anyways, just a few thoughts.

Quote:
=Ange71727;216567]however, wouldn't he need to convince the judge that being in my care so much more is somehow detrimental to his progress? He is the one who took him off the thing that was helping him progress.
You will have to convince a judge how dad having an equal relationship will hinder any progress also. Dad will probably have a good case explaining how it will better his progress.

(Edit):
It sucks that all this case building is occurring. I'm starting to understand judges rulings for shared 50/50 in these situations. It just solves so much.

Last edited by LovingFather32; 01-17-2017 at 12:27 PM.
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