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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 06-18-2011, 10:53 AM
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Default My story - long and more like therapy for me PLEASE FEEL FREE TO INSULT

I was married for 21 years (together 23 years).
My ex had a strange family and was raised in domestic violence. He always accused me of being non supportive.
He could get verbally nasty and I gave as bad as I took. I never hit or threatened to harm though. I had been slapped, shoved, pushed, etc.
Our marriage started to fall apart the day his father died in 2001 on my birthday. I made a joke a few days after his death and he told me, “Great, now I need protection from you.” WTH?
In 2002, I was in a major car accident and suffered a head injury and a whiplash injury. I received a very good insurance settlement. Two days after the accident and in pain (I couldn’t even hold my head up), he left for a business trip. It was a new job but he wouldn’t even ask if he could hold it off for a few days to make sure I was okay. I had a 12 year old at home that had never even turned a stove on.
Well because of the car accident and me being off of work, we ended declaring bankruptcy because the insurance settlement didn’t come in fast enough. I did have a very good lawyer.
The real end to my marriage started in 2003 when he just slapped me over an unpaid power bill. I just asked him about it and he slapped me hard. I know now I should have called the police; but, I called his sister instead. She told me he was just stressed and upset and that where he was the youngest, he would not have seen the worse of the domestic violence in their home.
In 2004, he had an affair. Heck, he slept with her once and proposed marriage. He was on every dating site (he calls them Friendship sites.) He actually used my insurance settlement to have a mistress and a wife. When the money ran out, he would say good-bye to the mistress and I was once again good enough.
In 2005, he went to Bosnia (he is not military, he is a civilian defence contractor). He was there for seven months. We kept in contact by phone, email and messenger. You would never believe some of the ridiculous messages I got from him. He never got paid properly. When he got back, we ended up losing our rental accommodations. All I had was my EI. I had went to another job but it didn’t work out.
We fixed our problems, even though he grew more violent, and at time I was terrified to even talk and frankly, I had a number of affairs. I think he only knows about one and he forgave that one. He actually said he deserved it after everything he did to me. Well, he then changed, back to my loving husband. Both of the kids were back home even though they were adults.
March 2009, he got recalled to NATO and went to Afghanistan and he has completely changed. There are women everywhere. He was supporting at least one other woman, that I know of, for sure, with many more on the line. He actually proposed to another woman, before we even separated, and before we are even divorced, he married her in Jamaica. I guess a reception is suppose to follow at a later time. Guess it will be another wedding too because he is not legally married. WE ARE NOT DIVORCED.
On May 2, 2010, I had enough and told him that’s it, I am done. I am done with the financial abuse, the physical abuse and the mental abuse and the adultery. It is probably going to take me a long time to get over the mental abuse and the financial abuse and of not feeling good enough that he had to have a wife and a mistress. I told him I was filing for divorce on the basis of mental cruelty. I, even, called this Internet mistress and told her about my ex husband. She threatened to call the police. Excuse me, she communicated over the internet for sex. I DON’T CARE but I definitely cared about him calling me a STUPID MONEY HUNGRY BITCH and an UGLY GOLD DIGGING WHORE.
He turned around on May 28, 2010 and filed for divorce. He lied through the whole thing.
1. Said we were separated in 2007. Huh? We separated in 2010. That was a money factor. He doesn’t want to pay indefinite spousal support. Judge said that our years of marriage has no bearing on quantity, just on time lines.
2. Was going to fight me for custody of a 21 year old. Yep you read right. HELLO, HE IS 21. HE IS AN ADULT. I don't know if it was my ex or my son that destroyed every bit of furniture as in I don't have a bed.
3. The money he said he was giving me wasn’t right and you are not separated if you still have a joint account.
4. HE LIED ABOUT HIS EMPLOYER – PERIOD.
After he filed, he told me, I was a great person and that our divorce is not permanent. So then I STUPIDELY tried to negotiate with him. Well, that didn’t work out well at all. Got threatened with “You haven’t seen my temper yet.”
I went to a lawyer and answered his ridiculous petition and filed my own. Today, I have won every argument I have made. I have to do private enforcement and public enforcement of the order because social assistance will not help me with a valid court order in place and MEPS has trouble garnishing his pay where he gets paid in Euros from a UK company.
I don’t know how I managed to find this lawyer; but, man is he good.
On September 2, 2010, we went to court and got an interim support order for support. Guess what, he decides, just like he said, that I will get what I get when I get it. With no furniture, I harassed my lawyer to get my ex to pay on time and I went to a former ex for help. We were still friends. We aren’t now. I didn’t like being called a STUPID CUNT, SCHIZZY AND/OR BUGGY.
My ex wasn’t paying. I harassed his new wife (former mistress/sugar baby, whatever you want to call her). My ex was in Afghanistan. I am lucky I didn’t get charged with harassment. She did call the police; but, I explained the situation very well through email. I called social assistance so I could just walk away. Social Assistance wouldn't help but told me they could garnish his pay. Well, then the government was going to charge my ex with contempt of court and ask for jail time. At one point, my ex took out a pension plan and paid spousal support on that pension plan instead of going through equalization.
In our settlement conference on March 1, my ex proved a salary reduction. we (lawyer and I) think that my ex got his employer to devalue his wages; but, of course we can’t prove it. His employer, where he gets paid in Euros from the UK won’t allow a wage garnishment. MEPS threatened his passport, his driver’s license, etc. He has now paid on time, actually early.
My lawyer wanted me to go to court on security of payment and another $56.00 a month. After much consideration, it wasn’t worth it so now I am paying him for private enforcement and I know if my ex ever declares financial hardship, her income comes on the board. Helping a guy pay child support is one thing but paying for an ex wife. Trust me, I would be out that door so fast, the guy’s head would spin.
My divorce is almost final. I have been to counselling. My last name has been changed back to my maiden name I still love my ex husband more than anything. I, now, just contact him regarding payment. I have tried to get support from Facebook, only to be told by one former sister-in-law that I am pitiful and disgusting because I said I was abandoned by someone else and that I should get a life. Well, I am completely off of Facebook so I guess I am getting a life.
I am moving on and am dating; but, I still love my ex with all my heart. I have cut off contact with my adult children because I deserve an apology, if nothing else. They, in my opinion, were part of the downfall of my marriage.
I AM NOT LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY. I have been in counselling (counselling was set up by a domestic violence shelter after he threatened me with death) and actually in February 2010, when my ex proposed to the other woman, he told the counsellor, we were not separating and that he still loved me.
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Old 06-18-2011, 03:41 PM
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I'm sorry he has hurt you so much.
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Old 06-18-2011, 11:53 PM
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Please continue with your counselling.

Good luck and find peace.
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Old 06-19-2011, 12:00 AM
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OMG! I am not being insulted
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Old 06-19-2011, 08:35 AM
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I hate your choice of font.
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Old 06-19-2011, 11:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
I hate your choice of font.
Yeah ... the syntax blows too. Although obviously a work of fiction, I doubt (s)he'll make much of a novelist until the mechanics improve.

Cheers!

Gary
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Old 06-19-2011, 12:17 PM
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Not fiction. It is all true. Thanx for the insults
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Old 06-20-2011, 11:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by atlanticcanadian View Post
Not fiction. It is all true. Thanx for the insults
I can't stand that colour on you!
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 06-20-2011, 11:50 AM
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Please stop asking for insults. I know it was kind of a self-defense mechanism, but it's a VERY bad habit. It's a way of saying my feelings and thoughts are worth nothing. And if you still love this person with all your heart, it makes me think that you believe it.

Last edited by dinkyface; 06-20-2011 at 11:54 AM.
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