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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 04-29-2011, 01:14 AM
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Default My story ...

First of all, thank you for creating this forum. Mysery loves company and seriously, reading the hell others have gone through on this forum is (in some ways) making me feel better about myself (it's like "hey UW, it's okay. This sort of stuff happens to other people too").

This has been going on for a while and I haven't really told anyone. I guess annonymity provided by the Internet can be put to some good use.

I got married a little over 10 years ago. Just before the marriage I found out my soon-to-be-wife was cheating on me with her ex-bf. I was young, naive and idealistic. I believed people made mistakes (okay, I still believe that but I also now believe that people dont change. I failed to see that it wasn't a "mistake", it was who she was).

So we got married and I paid for the entire wedding. She blew through whatever little money she had. My best friend, and he and I are still best friends, called me a fool about it saying I was so desperate to get married I went ahead and paid for the whole wedding myself even though traditionally her family should've contributed too. Right after we got married it turned out that she had thousands (yes, THOUSANDS) of dollars of unpaid phone bills. WTF! So I paid those off. At this point I was a university student putting myself through school. I leased a car because, ya know, I had a family now and she had income. But then she quit her job. She had never held a job for too long. I was too foolish to really see it through. For next 18 months until our first child would be born, she wouldn't work even a day. That meant while I was a fulltime student, I borrowed, worked parttime and did whatever I could to pay for everything.

So a little after our second wedding anniversary, when our daughter wasn't even a year old, I found out that she was "cheating". I say "cheating" in quote because it was an online affair. Or so she said and lets just believe that. Ya, I was devastated. She apologized, I had a kid so I wanted to forgive her. We moved on.

When our second son was in diapers I found out that she was having affairs. She admitted to 5 or 6. Those of you who have been cheated on can understand the pain this causes. Those who haven't are fortunate and have no idea how it damages your ego. This really destroyed me. I really couldn't imagine being without my children. I wish I separated at that time, except we had a third son after and I can't imagine life without him so I am glad we didn't.

Long story short, another set of apologies and blah blah, we moved on. Externally she always has this holy persona. She gives religious classes. Has religious study circles. Everyone, and I mean everyone, tells me how fortunate I am for having such a pious wife. Ya right.

Last year I learned that she had told people we were getting divorce. I had no idea. I confronted her and she denied. I looked in and her facebook had people I didn't know. She made stories but then I looked at her phone and it was full of romantic and sexual texts. From more than 5 or 6 people. That's when I knew this marriage was over. She went as far as to say she didn't care enough for me to stay faithful. Or that I should ask myself why I make her cheat. WTF? I still tried to make it work one more time, I really believed it was better for our three kids to grow up in a two-parent household. But deep down I knew it was over. I told her I didn't expect anything from her as a wife, she only had to be faithful. Two months later I learned that she still wasn't.

I wonder if anyone's still reading this . We've been separated for 9 months, though we're still living under the same roof. I havaen't told about her affairs to anyone and I dont intend to. I stiill want my children to have a good relationship with their mother (afterall, it's not their fault). I don't think they'd be able to do that if they knew about shenanigans she's pulled.

But at the same time the thought of knowing how most people will blame me just kills me sometimes. Like I said, her external persona is of this holy and pious woman. I am just a guy, nothing special. She's sweet and friendly. I am, by my own admission, an extreme introvert. Before we got married my mother, who was against this marriage, really protested. Of course I got married anyway, what kind of person in love about to get married says "yes mother, you're right. She wont be a good wife" . But I do wish I tried to look past my mother's delivery and see what she was trying to say. Now as I look forward to my children eventually growing up and getting married, I wonder if they fall in love and love blinds them to signs of major problems, if I'll be able to point those out myself. Afterall, it's not like I didn't get hints. There were many signs along the way, I just ignored them.

Now the saddest thing is that I actually had a prenup. One thing I did right, almost. I drafted the prenup myself and though it covers the essence of what I was trying to achieve, and if you look at it, the intention would be clear that we signed, it's still full of holes. It doesn't explicitly mention matrimonial home (biggest asset). Throughout the maririage we maintained separate bank accounts because that's what the prenup required. Now I find out that the agreement is not even worth the paper it's printed on.

I was reading about battered women and I swear, I felt like a moron. First stage of battered woman symdrome is denying that there is a problem. That's exactly what I did. Each time I firmly believed that it wouldnt' happen again. Second is guilt. I swear I kept looking at myself thinking what emotional need I wasn't fullfilling. Afterall, if I were a better husband would she still cheat all the time? Next is 'enlightenment'. Yes, I dont deserve to be cheated on like that but hey, I can still make the marraige work. My wife can change. It took 10 long years to finally reach a point where I realized that it was happening, it wasn't my fault and it wasn't going to change. Now I feel extremely stupid for not seeing it for so long.

So, thanks for reading. It feels good to get this off my chest. This forum was good because I saw that others also have failed marriages because they're victims.
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Old 04-29-2011, 01:46 AM
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lol, glad things worked out.
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Old 04-29-2011, 07:06 AM
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Don't beat yourself up about the past - it's unproductive. You've now made the decision to "better" your life and that of your kids and your approaching the whole mess in an extremely mature way despite all your x has put you through. You are right not to get the kids involved in what happened in your marriage - they do not need to know. It is not your fault that your wife cheated on you - you shouldn't feel embarrassed to talk to friends about what happened because you are not the bad person, she is.

Keep your head up - you sound like a good person who has been through a lot in your marriage!
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Old 04-29-2011, 01:44 PM
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Not that it would be your fault if she had an affair, BUT she f*d everything that moved - SHE has major issues, along with her laziness and entitlement for everyone else to be at fault and to take care of her.

You may still be blinded, be VERY careful and the best policy is to not trust her in any way. That should not be a problem if she can be trusted, meaning that only people that want to screw you protest when you implement agreements that don't require trust.
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Old 04-29-2011, 11:38 PM
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Thanks for sharing your story.

FG
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Old 04-30-2011, 07:32 AM
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Welcome.

Now that you have unloaded, let it all go. It doesn't matter anymore. Water under the bridge. Yesterday's news. Etc., etc.

Screw your head on straight, get your poop together, and do what you gotta do to get through what is now nothing more than a business deal.

You may have been a blind patsy yesterday, but it's time to shed that persona.

Everything you need to help you do that is here.

Cheers!

Gary
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