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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2013, 09:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretchedotis View Post
I didn't like saying it, as it's not right that I was put in the predicamate in the first place.

You shouldn't be either.
My heart goes out to you wretched.....sorry it came down to that but I understand your point of view.
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Old 02-06-2013, 09:10 PM
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All good advice, you really need to research it!

My question, does the new BF have other children? If not, why can't he move in with her and new baby, in order to maintain stability for your son rather than moving him away from his home at 3yrs old.

It's hard enough with children of that age as a schedule and "normalcy" is very important, and it must be confusing enough for him now that you two have split, and now a new baby on the way and then toss in a move!!!! Maybe it's something to ask her, if there is a possibility of BF relocating the 50km rather than her.

I know it can't be easy, I wish you luck.

Ang
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Old 02-20-2013, 12:25 AM
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Originally Posted by wretchedotis View Post
You're probably really going to dislike what I'm about to say.

I went through the same thing. My ex pulled the move on me, and motioning to have the child returned to the original jurasdiction failed.

I was very upset, and took a hard postition on her. Our relationship suffered for a good 2 years as a result. Not that it was that great before, otherwise I guess life woulda been great and we would still be together.

But the point is, I fought hard for a long time.

Some years have passed, and I am single with no other kids. My ex is remarried with two new younger siblings to our mutual son.

There comes a point where you have to seriously consideer the trade off of how much time your kid needs with their new brother/sister, and how much time he needs with you. You need to consider things like whether or not you have an even 'other' family to spen time with on your side too.

Like if you re-marry and the child therefore has new siblings throught the new marriage.

If you are single like me, and passed the anger, you may decide that things like spending Christmas morning with their new little brother/sister is more important than making sure the child comes over to my apartment where I only have a 3 foot plastic christmas tree and half the 'christmas cheer' that is inevitably being hrown around with a new little child to share it with.

The point I;m trying to make is that you should try to take the long view.
I't may seem like a more insulting thing now to you, then it will next year.
Kind of depressing.....

What about spending time with their father that loves them unconditionally and will be with them through thick and thin?

What about your kids feeling like 2nd class citizens since they aren't the children of the other guy? Deep down I am sure they could feel that way...

Why DONT or CANT you make the events at your house special? No extended family or anything on your side to make the events special...

IMO, don't let your ex-wife define your future relationship with your child. If you want to be in your child's life then go for it....Better you try and fail than don't try at all.... You have a responsibility to give your child your love and teach him your values and help them....
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Old 02-20-2013, 11:32 AM
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Despite a nasty experience during the separation agreement negotiation phase, at least my ex, being a child of divorce herself, has been good about holidays.

On thanksgiving weekend, they had one dinner on Sunday with their mom, and another on Monday with me. I took them hiking, which we all love, then had a nice dinner. We played music, talked, played a board game. It doesn't have to be expensive, just spend time. It doesn't have to try to compete with the other parent's plan, just spend time.
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Old 02-20-2013, 12:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
Kind of depressing.....

What about spending time with their father that loves them unconditionally and will be with them through thick and thin?

What about your kids feeling like 2nd class citizens since they aren't the children of the other guy? Deep down I am sure they could feel that way...

Why DONT or CANT you make the events at your house special? No extended family or anything on your side to make the events special...

IMO, don't let your ex-wife define your future relationship with your child. If you want to be in your child's life then go for it....Better you try and fail than don't try at all.... You have a responsibility to give your child your love and teach him your values and help them....
Chacun son goût.

I agree with the sentiment you offer, but there is more than sentiment involved.

My ex did not dictate this to me. I made the decision based on what I feel is best for my boy in mind.

Sure he could have a good time waking up here on Christmas morning with me - but I suspect he would have more fun doing so with his two little brothers to share it with.

Furthermore, his two little brothers probably really appreciated him being there too.

If his brothers could come with him, and wake up here for Christmas - well that would balance it out. But there's not a snowballs chance of that happening, is there?

It's a matter of perspective.

But please, do not think this idea in any way indicates he and I have anything other than an exceptional relationship, and that I do my very best to be there for him.

If you ask me, I chose the wise path, against my personal desires.
As much as you seem to have read into my post that somehow I don't care enough - it is the exact opposite.
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Old 02-20-2013, 12:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretchedotis View Post
s much as you seem to have read into my post that somehow I don't care enough - it is the exact opposite.
Not at all, in fact it seems to have been very difficult for you but I was commenting more on how you rationalized it - you're right though to each his own.... These are hard times and most decisions are the best between many crappy choices.
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 02-24-2013, 06:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
Not at all, in fact it seems to have been very difficult for you but I was commenting more on how you rationalized it - you're right though to each his own.... These are hard times and most decisions are the best between many crappy choices.
I really don't see how to rationalize it any other way. Please enlighten me. I should continue to fight and do the things that only really hurt the child? Like make him spend Christmas morning away from his brothers every second year?
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Old 02-24-2013, 07:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretchedotis View Post
I really don't see how to rationalize it any other way. Please enlighten me. I should continue to fight and do the things that only really hurt the child? Like make him spend Christmas morning away from his brothers every second year?
Instead you are making him spend Christmas morning away from his father EVERY year. As the adult in the picture, it's up to you to decide which is better for him, and you have made your choice.

However, you may want to think about how this decision makes your ex-wife feel her wishes for the child get priority over yours for future decisions. You may find yourself incrementally whittled out of your son's life, never having fought otherwise. I think that's what people are warning you to be careful of, thinking of yourself as the secondary parent.

Last edited by Rioe; 02-24-2013 at 07:50 PM.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 02-24-2013, 08:33 PM
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Point taken,

Thanks.
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Old 02-25-2013, 10:25 AM
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I think there is certainly room for middle ground here somewhere. Let you son spend Christmas morning with his mom and step brothers, but have some time for lunch with just the two of you.
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