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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 12-25-2012, 10:29 PM
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Unhappy My ex is pregnant and we have a 3 year old. Custody probs??

My ex is pregnant with the guy she left me for 2 months ago and they are having the baby. They plan on living together when the new baby comes and we have a 3 year old. Currently, we share our son 50/50, but nothing is legally documented (she keeps on stalling to get things going). Will she have a better case for full custody when she has her new baby AND / OR if they get married?? I think that's her plan. Rationale would be that the "best interests" of the child would be to be with his new sibling.

Any help would be appreciated. Also, probably need a lawyer, because she's saying she is moving 50km away to live with the new beau.

Thank You
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Old 12-26-2012, 12:05 AM
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You will here this many times, never take your legal advice from your ex or your ex's lawyer - 0. Next will be to read up as much as you can on second families, how CS is allocated between the two families, even when the other spouses can be asked to provide their financials. Most important is the pending move, 50K will be out of the child's school district so you will have the right to keep an eye on things and prevent your ex doing just that - this I have not too much direct memory on th esteps and documents you need to have filed to have a quick hearing on th ematter if it gets to that.

At the very least everything can be discussed, right up to the point of your child being relocated, but from what I have read here, make sure the child does not move in the first place. I am going out on a limb with MHO here but it almost reads as a prize to the spouse who dares.... if the move happens it is very possible that it will then be the new home for the child, and worse; to actually affect access, the balance which should be equal no longer is. So this is your first post I see, you will have lots to learn, as I like to say, "You could not have found a better place to do just that!!"

Welcome to the Board, Make sure you make use of the search function, accessed from the top menu bar....
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Old 12-26-2012, 02:35 AM
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You cannot prevent her from moving. Your goal will be to have your son's primary residence with you, so that he will go to school NEXT YEAR (?) in your catchment area. Otherwise, the 50km means you can only visit on weekends.

You only have a 2 month status quo of 50-50, that's not much, but it's a good start.

Start/keep being super dad, in a nice, supportive, positive way. Establish links to your home turf - Play dates with daycare friends who will be going to the same school? (though 3yo is a bit early for that), start getting in contact with the schools here and in the BF's catchment area. Does she have any history of frequent partners, frequent moves (or anything else hinting at instability)? Do you?

Search on CanLII for ideas on what the arguing points are for whether staying put with dad or moving with mom is in kid's best interests. Search keywords like mobility 'best interest' moving 'shared parenting' sibling.

You are going to have a big fight with this one if you don't want to be stuck with weekend parenting. So start building your defences now.

She will be at home for a year (?) looking after her new babe, so she has the advantage that she is available full-time to look after your son. Make sure you are also as available as possible to lessen this advantage.

At some point you will need to make it clear - in email - that you are not agreeing to anything less than shared parenting. One compromise is that she gets 4 out of 5 weekends (friday aft to mon morning) while you get the schooldays and 1 out of 5 weekends i.e. she gets the quality time, but less of it. Or perhaps, that's something that you'd consider.

During your negotiations, make her aware that any proposal she makes to you is something that she must consider herself.

How is CS arranged now? Try at all costs to avoid raising the issue of money, or to make it an arguing point. The CS is secondary to the living arrangements.

Last edited by dinkyface; 12-26-2012 at 02:39 AM.
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Old 12-26-2012, 03:16 AM
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Great advice above. Document the time you are spending with your son. Make sure there is cordial email communication (not just text msgs) betwn you and your ex that mentions the time you have S3 with you. Keep it nice and clean, a factual story/timeline. Search the internet, CanLii and this forum for mobility rights. Educating yourself asap and not engaging in conflict will be your best defenses. If you do consult with a lawyer on this, have your questions prepared in advance and don't announce that you have consulted with a lawyer.
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Old 12-27-2012, 03:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pidge123 View Post
My ex is pregnant with the guy she left me for 2 months ago and they are having the baby. They plan on living together when the new baby comes and we have a 3 year old. Currently, we share our son 50/50, but nothing is legally documented (she keeps on stalling to get things going). Will she have a better case for full custody when she has her new baby AND / OR if they get married?? I think that's her plan. Rationale would be that the "best interests" of the child would be to be with his new sibling.

Any help would be appreciated. Also, probably need a lawyer, because she's saying she is moving 50km away to live with the new beau.

Thank You
You're probably really going to dislike what I'm about to say.

I went through the same thing. My ex pulled the move on me, and motioning to have the child returned to the original jurasdiction failed.

I was very upset, and took a hard postition on her. Our relationship suffered for a good 2 years as a result. Not that it was that great before, otherwise I guess life woulda been great and we would still be together.

But the point is, I fought hard for a long time.

Some years have passed, and I am single with no other kids. My ex is remarried with two new younger siblings to our mutual son.

There comes a point where you have to seriously consideer the trade off of how much time your kid needs with their new brother/sister, and how much time he needs with you. You need to consider things like whether or not you have an even 'other' family to spen time with on your side too.

Like if you re-marry and the child therefore has new siblings throught the new marriage.

If you are single like me, and passed the anger, you may decide that things like spending Christmas morning with their new little brother/sister is more important than making sure the child comes over to my apartment where I only have a 3 foot plastic christmas tree and half the 'christmas cheer' that is inevitably being hrown around with a new little child to share it with.

The point I;m trying to make is that you should try to take the long view.
I't may seem like a more insulting thing now to you, then it will next year.
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Old 12-27-2012, 03:38 PM
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I think that's very good advice re: taking a long view approach. Difficult to do at the beginning of things.. I'm still trying to see things more broadly and I've come a ways, but it helps to get an outside opinion 'reality check' sometimes.
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Old 01-14-2013, 10:34 AM
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Thanks Wretchedotis,

You're right, I didn't like hearing that, but I guess it makes sense. Ultimately, I want whatever is best for my son.
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Old 01-14-2013, 03:45 PM
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I didn't like saying it, as it's not right that I was put in the predicamate in the first place.

You shouldn't be either.
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Old 01-16-2013, 11:45 AM
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Quote:
Will she have a better case for full custody when she has her new baby AND / OR if they get married?
I would have serious questions about the stability of her new relationship. If her plan is to move away 50km so her sperm donor can support her, there should be a reasonable answer to the question of "what happens if the relationship breaks down in six months?".

If there are mobility issues you will likely want to hire a lawyer if you intend to fight it. Otis has relevant advice, and his warning should be noted.
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Old 01-16-2013, 12:55 PM
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I don't think you want to make any arguments based on what might happen if the new relationship breaks down - i.e. claiming that she is unlikely to provide a stable home for children. That is a character attack, and it can backfire badly in the courtroom. UNLESS ... it there are MANY other examples of poor choices indicating a serious problem of instability.

If they get married, she will appear more stable.
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