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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2012, 03:44 PM
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Sounds like a good idea. An even better idea would be mandatory pre-marital counselling. I know it sounds dictatorial, but think of all the heartache and money that would be saved. It wouldn't be fool-proof, but would help tremendously, I think.
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Old 11-24-2012, 03:59 PM
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Yes, I would have benefited from that!

I would have liked someone to ask me the following questions:

What is your plan if things go wrong? Do you have a financial plan? Have you discussed finances with your husband to be? He has always lived with his parents and has no intention of ever leaving them, are you ok with that? Does he think you have any rights of your own? Do you know whether he is ok with you having an opinion of your own? Have you discussed children and how you would parent them? Do you know how he deals with dissappointment or setbacks? How does he react when things do not go his way? Do you know how he responds to loss of control?

If I married anyone again, I would have to insist on psych exam. I know its unromantic, but I just could not deal with another one like him.

Last edited by Nadia; 11-24-2012 at 04:15 PM.
  #23 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2012, 04:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadia View Post
Yes, I would have benefited from that!

I would have liked someone to ask me the following questions:

What is your plan if things go wrong? Do you have a financial plan? Have you discussed finances with your husband to be? He has always lived with his parents and has no intention of ever leaving them, are you ok with that? Does he think you have any rights of your own? Do you know how he deals with dissappointment or setbacks? How does he react when things do not go his way? Do you know how he responds to loss of control? Have you considered the possibility that your ex might in fact be a nutcase in disguise? Have you considered the fact that you may have to deal with his craziness long after you have left him?

If I married anyone again, I would have to insist on psych exam. I know its unromantic, but I just could not deal with another one like him.
Are you joking? Really, I'm serious. Again I'm not judging, but do you really think that someone should ask you questions like that about a spouse to be? That would be taking a lot upon yourself, such as responsibility for knowing about his actions.

A few individual sessions and then a couple of sessions together would be ideal. I could go on and on about what I feel would need to be discussed along general lines but you get the idea.
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Old 11-24-2012, 04:19 PM
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Yes, I was joking in respect to "nutase in disguise" etc which is why I edited it. But everyone should have a frank and open discussion about finances, approach to parenting, decision-making, rights and responsibilities and how to deal with conflict as it arises.

Last edited by Nadia; 11-24-2012 at 04:23 PM.
  #25 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2012, 04:23 PM
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Totally agreed. That covers just about everything.
  #26 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2012, 06:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadia View Post
Any party going through a high conflict divorce should have to attend mandatory mental health sessions. They really should have a dedicated office in every court house staffed by counsellors.
We should have mandatory mental health assessments in order to get married in the first place.
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Old 11-24-2012, 06:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
We should have mandatory mental health assessments in order to get married in the first place.
LOL! Seriously, yes I think that should be included in the "pre-marital counselling."
  #28 (permalink)  
Old 11-25-2012, 10:16 AM
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My ex periodically breaks down. I know she mixes prescription meds at times with booze and goes into psychotic states. I don't send the kids over then.

A month ago she sent me repeated messages about how if I made any more "demands" of her it would mean her death. At the time all I wanted to do was update our SA according to our most recent tax returns.

She threatened her death several times, with no specifics. When I said I would quote her and seek a parenting assessment she backed off from the statements.

So yeah, I know what you mean. You can't get a court order to force someone to be reasonable. We make the best out of what we have to work with.
Very histrionic pattern of behaviour. Highly conflicted people who are on histrionic scales see any form of negotiation (settlement) as a "win-lose" situation and that the world is out to get them.

Often with histrionics even the mentioning of changing something sends them into a whirl wind of defense, blame and projection. Even if you are trying to IMPROVE something... It is just their default reaction to anything often.

Good Luck!
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 11-25-2012, 10:40 AM
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The fact is, people can hide things and often do. Pre-marital counseling might be of some benefit to some, but unless there is intensive psychoanalysis, there's not likely to be any stunning revelations made that would put up the big red flag that some of us missed when we met our (now) ex's. I missed the red flag and the freak flag.

A lot of these ppl are inherently crafty and manipulative and can easily pass for 'normal.' It takes a long time to truly get to know someone (imo) and sometimes we never 'really' know them. Here's an example: I had clients years ago that I dealt with on a daily basis, and for several years. I just saw an expose about them on W5 recently. It was beyond shocking, to say the least.

Tayken: I tried to PM you but your inbox is full.

Last edited by hadenough; 11-25-2012 at 10:49 AM.
  #30 (permalink)  
Old 11-25-2012, 04:43 PM
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I would like to comment on that issue. I don't believe that someone who is living a hellish nightmare is a danger to you or your children. It just seems to me that he has been victimized and needs someone to acknowledge that for him. Poor man . You should be a little more compassionate , that would go a long way.
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