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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2012, 05:47 AM
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The Child Support has not been adjusted since 2009 despite annual increase in income each year. The difference is significant. But also see my post on the 4/5 year plan whereby he is putting away $2000 every month into what is essentially a savings account before he pays any support.

There is also an element of the need to control here. There always has been. But what tipped the balance was when I insisted we communicate by email only. By refusing to answer his phone calls and insisting he email me, in his eyes I insulted him and I robbed him of the opportunity to express his anger.

He has chronic anger issues or rather lack of coping skills when things do not go his way. I used to get the crank calls after the Judgements were rendered and yes I have had police walk me back to my car from the court house when I could see he was fuming with anger. But things have escalated recently.

It was the content of his emails that had me worried but also the recent email to the school principle in which he also copied several teachers in. I know he wanted to get my attention and he did but for not the reason he wanted. I am appalled by his need to drag the school into matters that are completely unrelated to the children's education.

I understand the growing frustration and increase in stress levels. But do I feel sorry for him? No. Is there anything I can do to help him? I would if i could bring myself to do it in the way he wanted me to.

Last edited by Nadia; 11-24-2012 at 06:40 AM.
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Old 11-24-2012, 07:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadia View Post



Background: We were seperated almost six years ago and divorced five years ago. Custody, Access, Child Support etc was agreed upon through a consent order. However, the parties remained in litigation. Following several motions brought forward by my ex, we had a trial for contempt. He lost and was prohibited from bringing forward any further motions before the court without first seeking leave. He also faced a hefty cost order. Two subsequent motions for section seven expenses were also "lost" by him and he faced another two cost orders. Recently, he has been served with a motion to adjust child support in line with his new income. This was served after 6 months of trying to get him to settle outside of court but to no avail.

He is showing signs of extreme stress and I am not sure whether I should be worried for my safety, the children or if this is just someone who is just unhappy with his life.
I'm wondering why, after almost 6 years of separation and five years after divorce, you are reading these emotionally upsetting emails. I'm not judging you for doing so, but feel that he is trying to make you miserable and mess with your mind. Maybe I'm missing something... is there any benefit for you and your children by continuing to read his hostile messages?
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Old 11-24-2012, 08:54 AM
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We need to communicate because we have children together. I have no control over what he decides to put in his emails. But it is also indicative of his state of mind.

People do not just "snap" there are often signs. If the emails have shifted from him calling me "a liar" (a month ago) to now holding me wholly responsible for the "hell" he is going through. Then that is a red flag in my book.

It encourages me to be extra vigilant when dropping off the kids with his parents (he lives with his parents), it also alerts me to the fact that things might get a lot worse very quickly. Is he going to create a scene at the school? Maybe. Will he turn up at my house unnanounced? Quite possibly. Will he attempt to have me arrested again? Most likely. Will he harm himself? I do not know. But I know his parents are always around the kids, when the kids are with him.

Last edited by Nadia; 11-24-2012 at 09:13 AM.
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Old 11-24-2012, 09:53 AM
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If you could, have someone attend with you when you are dropping off your kids. That would give you a measure of safety and provide a witness if needed.

It's good you are extra vigilant. You might want to contact your school. They've experienced his emails. I'm quite sure they would be able to direct you to someone who could help you deal with these issues, and provide the necessary information to guide you, and are understanding of your situation.

It doesn't appear that your ex is ever going to change for the better. If he does, great, but in the meantime, you need people around you who can give you support.
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Old 11-24-2012, 10:11 AM
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There was that horrible story of the father who committed Murder-Suicide last year. I wish someone had helped him. I wish he would have accepted professional help. Did his ex-wife have any inkling that he was going to lose it and snap? What made him think he had NO other choice but to take the action he did?

Was there any signs of mental instability? Was he able to hold it together long enough to persuade people he was managing ok? Was he simply written off as someone who was caught in the middle of a divorce/custody battle and thereby the signs of stress were perfectly "normal."

He must have been in the depths of despair and so desperate to commit such a violent act. Why did no one notice? He had friends and family, did they have any sense that something terrible was going to happen? Where was his support system?
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Old 11-24-2012, 10:38 AM
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We've all read stories about people who commit murders/suicides and even their closest friends and family have no idea they were desperate in any way, shape or form. Sometimes the people who offer to help them are refused. The onus is on the recipient of this abuse...to try and protect themselves and their loved ones.
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2012, 01:03 PM
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It sounds like you could use some help of your own. I am not trying to be unkind but you seem to be worrying a lot. Of course I am not a professional nor can somebody on the net know enough abbout your circumstance.
What I do know is that it would be better for you and your children if you didn't feeli like you are. Maybe get an appointment to speak to someone?
You can't change or do anything about how your ex lives their life but you can and should be able to be the best and happiest person you can be.
Hope this helps.
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Old 11-24-2012, 01:56 PM
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Totally agree and an excellent idea.
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Old 11-24-2012, 03:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by caranna View Post
You might want to contact your school. They've experienced his emails. I'm quite sure they would be able to direct you to someone who could help you deal with these issues, and provide the necessary information to guide you, and are understanding of your situation.

It doesn't appear that your ex is ever going to change for the better. If he does, great, but in the meantime, you need people around you who can give you support.


^^My previous message (above) had the same sentiment as faith and morals but faith expressed it clearer than I. Please make an appointment with a counsellor. The school very likely knows counsellors who can help you, or at least give you references to contact. You can also ask your doctor or a minister.

I have found counselling invaluable regarding dealing with issues of my abusive and contentious stbx. You will find counselling will open up a wealth of information and self-knowledge about yourself that will be helpful, and will aid you in being able to let go of the past, and stop worrying so much about the future. In turn, your children will benefit as well, in part because you will have developed a confidence and sureness about yourself and that will have a spillover effect in their lives. You will have a focus and determination to make the best of your lives and really, if this sounds like I think counselling is helpful...yes.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2012, 03:41 PM
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Any party going through a high conflict divorce should have to attend mandatory mental health sessions. They really should have a dedicated office in every court house staffed by counsellors.
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