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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 11-18-2015, 10:52 AM
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My Tips

1. Learn the Law - you are powerless when you can't defend yourself so go learn the law and learn to defend yourself. Once you can defend yourself free of charge then legal fees become her achilles heel.

2. File bankruptcy, honestly its practically painless and if you do it well you will be better off.

3. Appeal decisions if they are wrong.

4. Ignore all her accusations as her way of trying to destroy you but as long they fail (and they will if you do #1 & #3 right) consider it business as usual. So lower your standards for what a normal life is like.

5. Work hard, make money, find what you like doing and pursue it. Make plans, make dreams, make a bucket list. Women, sports, hobbies, volunteering you now have nobody there to stop you, you and the sky are your limits.

6. Erase her, she is just your legal adversary now - somebody who is trying to hurt you and hurt the kids. Behave well and you'll come up on top.

I went through a lot myself and I stayed strong and "manned up" I am at the final stretch now but once upon a time I got thrown out of my life and it stayed like that for over a year and then i got banned from court for 6 months based on sheer lies and incompetence .


If you need people to talk to I am here, we can trade war stories anytime - I won't get tired

Last edited by Links17; 11-18-2015 at 10:55 AM.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 11-18-2015, 12:00 PM
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Exercise helps a lot with mental health in many cases- try to make time to exercise.
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 11-26-2015, 09:06 PM
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Default Been through this

I am so sorry about what you're going through. I lived this too.

I have an ex and his girlfriend who have absolutely tried to maliciously break and destroy me, knowing that I have a history of depression, I believe were doing so that I would kill myself. Relentlessly taking me to court, making up lies, spreading crazy terrible stories about me, despite my impeccable reputation through the community as I am well known due to much volunteer and community work. Alienated one child against me. Ran up my legal bills. Used up my RRSPs.

And 2 years ago...2 years after our separation, it did break me. I had a lot going on with my family (Mom with Alzheimers), new high stress career, serious health problems from the relentlessly high stress.

I totally broke mentally and physically. I took a work leave that I thought would be 3 weeks. Didn't eat, sleep, take a shower, function in any human way. Stared into my empty fireplace for 10 or more hours a day. Didn't have the energy to walk to bed so I lived on my couch for months.

It turned into 7 months...all unpaid. Psychiatrist got me on good medication, I fired my family doctor who had misprescribed me for 5 years. Horrible broken spirit. I found the strength and ability finally to go back to work after I capitulated hugely on property equalization just to get progress.

Started back to work. Within 3 weeks my ex took me back to court to lower my support despite the fact that I hadn't had any income for 7 months. Ended up with an insane judge who terminated all child support and cut my spousal support.

Crazy.

At that point, I made a choice. #$%# it. I wanted my life back.."me" back. I did something crazy...despite being trashed everywhere publicly, I ran for public office and won. Started reclaiming my tattered reputation and life bit by bit. Held my head up because none of those crazy stories were true. Did it because I felt that there had to be a life beyond my divorce. For me, For my kids.

Within a 24 hour period, my lawyer quit 10 days before our trial (probably because she knew that she had missed all sorts of deadlines); my work laid me off AND I had a car accident that was my fault. @#$

I just kept going because I had to. By the grace of God, my trial got delayed for 5 weeks due to the court system. In the meantime, I got 100s of pages of documents/evidence served that weren't previously done by my well paid lawyers. Did Requests to Admit, Form 20. Lots of stuff that I had learned here (THANK YOU!)

Self repped my trial. "Won" (if anyone wins).

Now I just had to pay $20k because ex is appealing it and I can't handle doing the appeal. It's beyond me, I realize my limitations.

Got a $25 k line of credit that truly was a gift from God because I had no income from work or spousal or child support..it pretty much fell from the sky.

I started looking for these signposts and miracles like that and found they were all around me, guiding me out of my personal hell.

Somehow I was able to cross that bridge back to sanity because I took control back...the little bits of my tattered life... one bit at a time.

How? As well said above...learn the law, read here and learn, go to a doctor, psychatrist or whoever can help you. I went through 8 councellors in 3 years because they either quit their jobs or got pregnant. Kept going and got a great one who helps my self esteem and sanity.

Keep going until you get the help that you need. Exercise, read. Meet new friends. Watch sunsets. Learn and practice Mindfulness and start to live in the moment. Remember that if you leave this earth that your child(ren) will never recover properly from it, no matter how much we think they hate us right now.

And keep the faith that one day, this will start getting better...and it will...bit by bit.

Last edited by lancelot; 11-26-2015 at 09:07 PM. Reason: typo
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  #14 (permalink)  
Old 11-26-2015, 10:08 PM
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One thing missing in our system is a linkage between the mental health and family law professions. Both the crisis line and my therapist were telling me "oh a judge would never do that". Forgetting that family law is based on a perversion of justice as opposed to common sense, which is only understood by its players and victims.

I'm starting with a psychiatrist tomorrow who is recommended by my son's autism psychiatrist.

Also having people you can talk to helps.

My dream is that I will win the lottery and hire former Justice Bastache to take down the current family laws. I particularly want Bastache because I've never liked his comments on any family law cases.
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  #15 (permalink)  
Old 11-26-2015, 11:42 PM
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I second the suggestion that you get a physical workup from your doctor. Sometimes physical problems (like hormonal/endocrinological issues - not just a problem for women!) can produce symptoms like despair or a bleak outlook.

My other suggestion is volunteering. Not only does volunteer work distract you and introduce you to new people who know nothing about you and your ex, but also (and this is crucial if you've been dealing with someone who has battered your self-esteem and made you feel terrible about yourself) volunteering can help you to see yourself as a good person, someone who has something positive to contribute to society, and not just a loser or a failed spouse. You'd be amazed by how many volunteers turn to it to cope with major setbacks in life, and as coping strategies go, it's a lot better than drinking or sitting home alone.
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  #16 (permalink)  
Old 11-27-2015, 08:32 PM
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Thanks so much for all your replies. A quick update (I'll try to post at length later): I wrote a letter to the Parenting Coordinator indicating I was going to start a formal complaint against her due to her being so obviously biased "in favour of the female litigant", and that all she was doing was supporting my ex's agenda of limiting/eliminating my children's time with me and my half of their family, and charging $300/hr for it.

The day after I sent this, I got a reply from the Parenting Coordinator: she quits. Another big bill has been sent of course, and I am not sure what the implications of her quitting are. I guess I am now expecting to be served at any time with yet more huge stacks of court papers going on about what a despicable reprobate I am for not "getting along" with my ex or the PC and demanding I go back to court and be further abused by the psychopaths that pass for judges around here. Which, of course, makes me anxious. Can't get away from that no matter what it seems.
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