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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 04-06-2010, 09:31 PM
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Default Matrimonial home entitlement

I didn't know which forum this would best go into so I plunked it down here.

A friend and I were talking today and she brought up an odd situation she's encountered with her soon to be ex husband. She lives in the matrimonial home with the children, 13 & 15, and the ex often visits the children there. He has a key to the house and pretty much comes and goes as he wants, does maintenance work etc which seems fine for the both of them. She has said that she doesn't have any legal rights to keep him from the home as it still belongs to him as well and many of his belongings are still there, which I understand to be true. It hasn't been an issue in those areas.

My question is this, occassionally he stays the night or for the weekend and seems to feel that as he owns part of the home and purchased the bed for the master bedroom during their marriage, he has the right to sleep with her in it - regardless of how she feels about it, the fact that it may be causing some confusion for the kids and wether or not either is seeing someone else or how that person feels about it. Legally, does she have the right to toss him from her bedroom if he 'owns' it?

She doesn't want to waste the money or time taking him to court over it and I personally don't think ANY court would ever agree that she would be forced to share her bed with him regardless of who purchased the bed or what residence it sits in. Thoughts?
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Old 04-06-2010, 10:20 PM
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If you and I, as good friends and buddies, decided to buy a house together as room-mates, and I told you I was sleeping with you in master bedroom, you'd probably bust me in the chops.

There's all kinds of shared accomodation situations, like university residence to old age homes, where you're sharing part of a building but you have every expectation of privacy in your own room, much less your bed.

The asshole needs a kick in the head, frankly.

At the risk of jumping into the middle of your friend's life, I'd say she's probably been bullied by him so long, she doesn't have any sense of her own natural boundaries anymore. Either that or she likes having him there but doesn't know whether she should admit it or not, and is carefully checking out your opinion.
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Old 04-06-2010, 11:42 PM
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Thanks for the reply, I kind of thought he should get a kick in the head as well for even thinking it much less saying the words outloud, I was livid for her.

I don't know that it's necessarily a feeling of being bullied, I do know the guy and their relationship and he's not the bullying type per se, however he did manage to put himself in a position of control fairly early on, especially when it came to the finances. He had little respect for their relationship when they were in it so it doesn't surprise me that he has no respect for his new girlfriend now. I get the impression he wants to maintain all the perks of having a wife when it's convenient even though it's he who wanted out of the relationship. I should mention that he has not attempted to initiate anything.

So.....aside from (what I assume) is the general consensus, even though he owns part of the house she's not obligated in any way, right? That would be insane if she were and I insisted there was no way he has any legal rights this way....now I just want to make sure I was right, lol.

ETA: Oh and I have no problem jumping into the middle of her life or vice versa, we have a brutaaly honest relationship!

Last edited by blinkandimgone; 04-06-2010 at 11:45 PM. Reason: the voices told me to
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:51 AM
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so they just sleep together? No sex? Is there another bedroom she/he could sleep in when they are both there? Heck even the couch would be good.
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Old 04-07-2010, 02:28 PM
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She could put a lock on the master bedroom door. If he breaks it down she can probably call the police.

That should stop the behaviour.
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:14 PM
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Yeah, just sleep. He's been asked to choose another spot repeatedly, there is a guest room, the son has a large bunkbed and there are two couches. I get the impression he's doing it to make a point that he can do whatever he wants in HIS house. There is a lock on the door but he just picks the lock to open it, he's not the breaking down the door type.

We did discuss all the options available to him but he just refuses to sleep anywhere else. There's no arguing or anything, thankfully since the children are there but he just makes himself at home and ignores all comments and requests. She has considered sleeping on the couch but is afraid of setting the standard for when he comes over that HE will get to sleep in her bed in HER home when he feels like it. (Yes, he owns part of the house but it is hers and the children's home and not his.)

I feel for her, she doesn't want to rock the boat with him but also wants to be able to stand up for herself. I suggested she have company for the weekend and see if he tried to crawl in with them but I'm evil like that! lol
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:41 PM
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hmm he thinks that because the master bed was bought during the marriage he has a right to sleep in it?? I would put the bed in another room and tell him if that is the way he feels then knock himself out. Mind you I like the suggestion you came up with. Maybe granny and gramps could spend a weekend?? LOL
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Old 04-07-2010, 08:05 PM
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LOL! I had thought of that as well, I even offered to help her move the bed - I thought it would look great in the garage! This has apparently happened when Granny was there a few times so apparently that doesn't deter him. This has been going on pretty much since he moved out and she's tried to handle it politely so as not to cause a fight but it may be time to just get blunt, I say.
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Old 07-03-2010, 11:56 AM
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He does not have that right!!! My ex has done that to me many times, he thought the same thing, he bought, he sleeps in it, no matter what i had said. ( he had other ideas of wanting to sleep in the bed,,,i wanted no part of that) I moved myself to the couch!!! I was quite happy with that. It got to be too much, so i let him have the bed and i moved out!! I didnt want the kids to be more confused then what they were!!
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Old 07-03-2010, 12:05 PM
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MY ex used to do that in the weeks before separation. If she doesn't stand up for herself then she is handing him power over her. She needs to ask herself WHY he is doing it, and WHY she is letting him. The answers to those questions should give her an obvious solution.

Regardless, the situation must be terribly confusing to the kids. for that reason, it MUST stop.
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