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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 11-10-2011, 03:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbyD View Post
...
Aside: This morning after I got home from work, we talked about various things. One of them that came up was that I was making plans to catch up with a friend (Not the same one in this thread) to talk about business, life politics and stuff. My wife asked if she was single, I said yes... And she lost it. She says that me seeing a single female, regardless of the reason, is wrong, and should not be done - ever. Especially when it's someone I met after we got married and someone she's never met. Wholly control. Sigh. We're meeting on Saturday anyway.
You should have simply invited your wife along then.

Given that you are secretly meeting with someone else already and having an emotional affair with them and your marriage is in trouble, I don't blame her for her reaction. She is right, she can't trust you.

You are either married or you or not. I realize that you in the process of deciding, but you are not being fair to your wife, you are out of line.

Its time you be honest with your wife, be sensitive to her feelings, stop seeing the other person, and honourably end your marriage. Then you can have social meetings with all the single women you want.
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Old 11-10-2011, 04:39 PM
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Ok...I started out by typing some advice on how relationships are hard and do need work to maintain.

However, after reading that you're meeting "another" female friend to discuss all this...well...

My advice is now...just leave. Leave now...take your portion of the marital property and get on with your life.

The best thing you could do right now is leave...do not pass go...do not collect $100...just leave. Do your wife a favor and end the lie you created in order to be with her for the last 6 years (if you count the 18 months before marriage).

You turned yourself into something you are not in order to be with her. On some level she knows you did this, hence her back and forth emotions.

You are now "cheating" on her and trying to justify it. Just don't. Have enough respect for your wife to leave before you go any further with your "cheating".
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Old 11-10-2011, 04:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
You should have simply invited your wife along then.

Given that you are secretly meeting with someone else already and having an emotional affair with them and your marriage is in trouble, I don't blame her for her reaction. She is right, she can't trust you.

You are either married or you or not. I realize that you in the process of deciding, but you are not being fair to your wife, you are out of line.

Its time you be honest with your wife, be sensitive to her feelings, stop seeing the other person, and honourably end your marriage. Then you can have social meetings with all the single women you want.
Thanks. I'm probably a little jaded since this is far from the first time. I, for example, am not "allowed" to see any of my old high school friends (Including the guy I'd known since Kindergarten) because they "only knew you before you were married and it's not right". But anyone I try to get us together with she has yet to like.

The meeting on Saturday was political in nature - I'm actively involved with politics, and this person helped manage a campaign for another riding and wanted to brief me on what they did and how it went. My wife has no interest in this stuff, so I felt an invitation wasn't appropriate as she'd just be bored and begging to have us leave.

But you're probably right that I shouldn't go. I'm going to call off the meeting on Saturday (Or switch it to a phone call/e-mail... I still need the info). Thanks.
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Old 11-10-2011, 04:48 PM
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Originally Posted by DubbyD View Post
Thanks. I'm probably a little jaded since this is far from the first time. I, for example, am not "allowed" to see any of my old high school friends (Including the guy I'd known since Kindergarten) because they "only knew you before you were married and it's not right". But anyone I try to get us together with she has yet to like.
Wow! You entered into a relationship / marriage knowing full well your "chosen" partner is like this.

Have you ever heard of a "Drama Triangle". I suggest you google it and learn how to get off of the "victim" corner. It will work wonders for you.
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Old 11-10-2011, 06:57 PM
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Just curious what you are looking for......support???? You are emotionally cheating on your wife. You are spending time with a woman who apparently does not respect the institution of marriage.....do you think she would respect a marriage with you???? You mention that your wife was upset about your secret of debt.....your latest secret should go over very well. She doesn't make you happy.....you ever ask her what she doesn't find fulfilling about you????? So if it is advice you are looking for.....leave her now. She deserves better. Just remember one thing......karma is a ..........
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Old 11-11-2011, 03:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MiViLaLoco View Post
Have you ever heard of a "Drama Triangle". I suggest you google it and learn how to get off of the "victim" corner. It will work wonders for you.
Thanks for this - that's a LOT of reading. Not the concept itself, I grasped that pretty quickly, but looking over the reasons why some people land in some spaces more often than others, and ways to work through them.

It's funny how I can look back over some of the arguments (Even just in the past month - thought I've been thinking back further) and see exactly where I stand in some - and where she does.
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Old 11-11-2011, 03:49 PM
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Congrats for taking the time to google and read.

However, did you grasp just "why" I suggested it to you?

In all your posts you don't, once, take ownership for where your relationship is now. Instead your posts come across as you somehow always being a "victim" to her wants, need, whims, desires, etc. Where is your part in all of this? You "chose" to create a relationship based on lies and deceipt. Not only about "who you were and what you wanted" but also about what you actually brought to the table "relationship" wise.

I have no doubt you and her care about each other. However I don't think you care about each other so much as you care about the "idea" or "picture" of what you both had in your head about each other.

Another poster posted that once married a "bitchy" woman just gets worse. Well, you 100% fostered what you are now living.

This is what I was getting at regarding the drama triangle. Until you get your whole "life" and "attitude" towards your relationship off the victim section you are just going to do this over, and over, and over. With different "persecutors" for you to play "victim" too. Not a great way to live.

Here's some of the facts you posted...

- You changed into someone none of your friends recognized while with her. In fact, you chose to change so much that you lost your friends. This was your choice and set the tone for your "whole" relationship as you were never honest with her...or yourself...about what you wanted or needed from the relationship. You just wanted to make her "happy" and you did it by being someone you were not. Your friends recognized it...you chose to ignore it.

- You were not truthful with her regarding your finances. I'm guessing you had to "fess" up right about the time buying a house became a reality, and after you were married. Not a great way to "build" a relationship. Tax arrears debt is a huge deal and it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to gain any new credit while owing this...and you still owe. You also have a credit card in collections...now. So from this it is pretty apparent that your credit rating, and ability to get credit, is basically non-existent at this point.

- You state you make $28k gross and she makes $75k. Are you self-employed by any chance?

- If you are not self-employed you state you work 12 hour night shifts. However, if you are only grossing $28k...you are either working minimum wage, or working part-time. Which is it? Because if you are only working part-time a few evenings a week...why the fuss about doing errands?

- You say she won't "allow" you see your friends. What are you...5? Do you like her friends? Do you "allow" her to see them? Sheesh...

- You state you've tried to introduce "new friends" however she doesn't like them. Well, has she introduced potential "new friends" that you don't like?

- 3.5 years into the marriage you started an emotional affair with someone you could "be yourself with". You have to, at some level, realize this was going to happen. You wife knows it, which is why she is so insecure in your relationship. She knows you are, on many levels, not "yourself" with her and she looked past it to be with you because of what you were telling her at the time. Since then she has found out you "keep things from her". So no wonder she has issues. If she were a stronger person she would have ended the relationship before now.

- She's asking about having kids "sigh". OMG...do you really think for one minute her being overweight or 27 has anything to do with this. She's going back and forth on this based on what you are telling her, or not telling her. You get a second wind for your "mask" and things are rosy...she wants kids. She finds out something you were hiding or you seem off...she doesn't want kids.

It's really simple...and not rocket science here. You know what you need to do.

For once in 6 1/2 years...be 100% honest with yourself. If you can't do it now, the universe will force you to do it at some point in the future...and there will be a lot more pain.

Now...before you think I'm ripping you to shreds...please understand that I was in a similar relationship. That I ended, out of respect, for my partner. There were no 3rd parties involved, however I knew I did not make him happy and we were miserable together. I'm happy to say that we are now "amicable" with each other and way better parents for our son now that we are living our own "true" lives.

In hindsight the only thing I would have done differently was leave at the 2 year married mark. I knew...I just refused to listen to what my intuition was telling me and instead the universe forced the decision because I could no longer stand how we were to each other in front of our son. Not pretty...and very, very, very painful.
  #28 (permalink)  
Old 11-11-2011, 04:20 PM
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Hi Mivi, thanks. First, I don't think you're ripping me apart - I really do appreciate pointing me in the directions you have as well as your feedback. I didn't feel it was necessary to go on in the way you did about various situations and which roles her and I played in each. It's already been an eye-opening, and will likely continue to be.

While there's a lot that I'm posting on here, there's also some I'm not. Not to try to hide anything, but simply because they're from situations I already have a handle on. I didn't delve deeply into the "allowing" me to see some of my high school friends because I already know how that's affected me and my relationship. She prevents it, FYI, by waiting until I am with them and showing up, only to yell at THEM. Or calling every 3 minutes. And if I turn my phone off, I get the "What if I were in trouble" lecture. And yes, she, too, has introduced new people. If I make comments about not liking them, or not wanting to hang out again, I get the lecture about how a supportive husband would WANT to be friends with his wife's friends. There are clear double-standards in play - and you pointing me towards the triangle that you did is helping me to see how some of these could have been changed and could be changed in similar situations in the future.

I lost a great deal of my friends not only because I changed - but because of who I was dating. They told me they didn't like her. They told me to get out. I ignored them. I ignored their (clearly correct) feedback and pursued on into a horrible, miserable relationship.

I know that I should have stood up for things sooner. I know that I should have probably ended things when red flags sprang up in the first 3 months. I know that my actions have created expectations.

So far as my finances are concerned, the debt with the government currently does have a payment plan in place - and I am making payments on the credit card, too. I am working with an agency to attempt to rebuild credit while in this debt already. And no, the admission came far before a house - it was the first taxes following marriage that triggered it.

I work 12 hour overnight shifts, 4 days/wk (only 2 at a time, though), at 12.20/hr with my shift premium. I'll save you the math: $27,913.60.

She's not swayed on kids in the past few months. She wants them, she wants them now, she wants them with me. She has threatened to kick me out - and then begged for kids - in the same hour.

I do know what I need to do - I just wish there was an easier way to do it. I've started gathering paperwork, taking assessments of what she/we have, and prepping the belongings I DO want for an easy pack. Part of me is hoping that I'll finish my preparations, and she'll then threaten divorce again - giving me the easy opening I'd need to just hand her the paperwork and be done with it all. On the other hand, part of me wants to just grow a pair and rip the band-aid off in one quick swipe. I still have a lot of work (and reading) to get through before I think I'd feel comfortable approaching her with this.

I do care about her, and while I know that in the long run, this is the best decision - it's hard to see someone you care about hurt
  #29 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2011, 04:15 PM
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My wife told me last night that she is having a baby with or without me and that she wants to be pregnant by her birthday in late January. If I won't father a child for her, she'll seek other means (insemination, likely) and will have one by herself.

So, I guess that seals this up. Guess it's lawyer time.
  #30 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2011, 04:27 PM
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Regarding her getting pregnant one way or the other, see a lawyer NOW. I don't know but my gut reaction is I would be afraid if somehow you could get "drawn in" for Child Support if a sperm donor. Likely (hopefully) not but Family Law is wacky on this stuff.

Don't take any chances buddy, see a lawyer now. Beg, borrow, steal the money to do it.


Good luck
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