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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 11-09-2011, 01:35 PM
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My opinion...get divorced before it continues on for too long or you get more financially locked-in and DEFINITELY before you get her pregnant.

I've learned the hard way that compatibility is everything. There are people that can live their way through a dreary marriage with someone that isn't right for them but its a miserable existence.

You're already severe showing signs that you're not going to make it and believe me, have children and you're doomed.

There are a lot of books you can read on the subject of compatibility and surveys you can take where your wife to see where her needs stack up against yours. I highly recommend that you do a lot of reading and get some professional help to help you make a decision you can live with. But whatever you do....

DON'T GET HER PREGNANT!!!
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 11-09-2011, 01:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbyD View Post
...
My wife dropped the "we need to have kids" line on me again today, though. Despite saying she's not sure we'll make things work. Sigh.
As far as I'm concerned, there is no difference between marriage, or just living together until you have kids.

Ending a relationship before kids - no big deal.

After kids - big deal on so many levels.

I don't know what the problem is in your marriage (could be you, could be her, could both of you), but I can't imagine continuing it given your title 'regret every minute' - that says it all.

Forget loyalty because you are married, you need to have kids with someone that you have never regretted being with.

You both married the wrong person it seems.

I was married for 13 years, had 3 kids, and have absolutely never regretted it for a moment (wish my marriage did not end, but don't want it back, however I never regretted getting married to my ex, or having kids with her).
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 11-09-2011, 03:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
I've learned the hard way that compatibility is everything. There are people that can live their way through a dreary marriage with someone that isn't right for them but its a miserable existence.

You're already severe showing signs that you're not going to make it and believe me, have children and you're doomed.
That's the part that really stands out to me, despite the large font size below it. The miserable existence bit particularly. Our relationship is very one-sided: If she asks me to do her a simple favour ("D, go get me a glass of water?"), the expected answer from me is "Yes, dear". But I can't ask the same ("W, would you mind getting me a class of water the next time you happen to pass through the kitchen?") without it being a fight about how I'm too needy.

Just last week, she asked me to make a stop on my way home from work. I work 12 hour night shifts. 14.5 hours with commute. Had an after-shift meeting and was expected back the next night. Total time at home was to be 5.5 hours. Her errand left me with 4 hours at home: to eat, sleep, shower and be ready for my next shift. She sees nothing wrong with this.

Believe me, I don't plan on having a family with her. It once was a consideration - and I'm not ruling it out permanently unless we divorce. I'd like to believe we could form a happy couple - I really do care about her and want the world for her. But I'm very much not having a family with her until we hit that point - regardless of how often she reminds me that she's 27 and her biological clock is ticking.
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Old 11-09-2011, 03:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbyD View Post
That's the part that really stands out to me, despite the large font size below it. The miserable existence bit particularly. Our relationship is very one-sided: If she asks me to do her a simple favour ("D, go get me a glass of water?"), the expected answer from me is "Yes, dear". But I can't ask the same ("W, would you mind getting me a class of water the next time you happen to pass through the kitchen?") without it being a fight about how I'm too needy.

Just last week, she asked me to make a stop on my way home from work. I work 12 hour night shifts. 14.5 hours with commute. Had an after-shift meeting and was expected back the next night. Total time at home was to be 5.5 hours. Her errand left me with 4 hours at home: to eat, sleep, shower and be ready for my next shift. She sees nothing wrong with this.

Believe me, I don't plan on having a family with her. It once was a consideration - and I'm not ruling it out permanently unless we divorce. I'd like to believe we could form a happy couple - I really do care about her and want the world for her. But I'm very much not having a family with her until we hit that point - regardless of how often she reminds me that she's 27 and her biological clock is ticking.
Get out while you can. If you're having these feelings before the kids have even come into your life, then you are doomed if you get her pregnant.

It's better to be alone than to be in a relationship where there is not an even playing field.

Don't get her pregnant!!!
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 11-09-2011, 04:41 PM
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From someone going through a divorce now here's my advice.....

-get the hell out of there NOW !

-you're lucky, no kids, only 4.5 years married. Worse case, assuming you didn't live together prior to marriage, given her age likely only 2 years spousal support, if that. Go to www.mysuppportcalculator.ca to get a rough idea.

-I don't know your respective incomes, but if you earn similar money you shouldn't even have spousal support (who knows, she may even owe YOU lol !).

-give details here, try the website, even ask a lawyer for appraisal (worth the money believe me).

-sounds like you didn't bring in any assets to marriage so she can't take 50% of them; lucky you ! Actually, she may even owe you if you want to go that route.

Bottom line is it sounds like it shouldn't cost you much, if anything to divorce her (again, check with lawyer first).

Trust me, if she's acting like a bitch NOW, it will only get worse as time goes on. I think most guys will agree the "general trend" is for women to get more miserable as time goes by, NOT better. If its' ugly NOW, wait until a few more years.

Seriously, save your emotional and financial well being and get divorced ASAP. DON"T have kids whatever you do, then she'll have you by the pocketbook for at least the next 2 decades !! Not to mention not fair to kids.

personally, you are wise to get info here. Read and pay attention to the poor bastards like me who found out too late what a nightmare marriage/divorce is to most men. If you're smart, you'll never get married EVER again. Have fun and stay single. Marriage does NOT mean commitment; she can toss you in the garbage can at her whim (but keep your hands in your pocketbook potentially forever).

You are a very lucky man, learn from the advice here. Divorce her NOW (after checking with lawyer) and don't be stupid enought to ever get married again. I envy you !
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 11-09-2011, 06:23 PM
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That calculator is kinda neat. Thanks.

Details? OK!
We got together in Feb 06. Moved in together in May 06 because of a bad housing situation. Have lived together ever since. Moved into a place by ourselves (previous had a housemate) in May 07. Married that July. House bought in Jun 08. House and mortgage in her name alone.

I have roughly 18,000 in debts. Most to the government for several years of not paying taxes. About 1000 is a credit card in collection. She is debt free.

I make roughly 28k gross per year. Her job brings in 75k. We keep separate bank accounts. I usually write a cheque for my paycheck to her. She manages the finances. Utilities are in my name.

That detail enough?
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 11-09-2011, 07:00 PM
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Whatever feelings you still have for her, use them to let her go, on to a better life. For both of you. Trapped in a marriage like this is no way for either of you to live. You need to listen to your own words on here.

I have the feeling you posted on here seeking validation for what is a very difficult decision, and we are pretty much all, universally, telling you that divorce is your best option.

And having kids will not save any marriage. Frankly, as self-absorbed as you've described her, she does not sound like someone who would be a very good mother. Getting her pregnant would be the death knell to your marriage, and you'll go through decades suffering for it. No child deserves to be intentionally brought into a failing marriage.
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 11-09-2011, 07:32 PM
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I've been married for almost 40 years. There sure have been ups and downs, sometimes I wanted to murder him, and I'm sure he felt the same. There will sometimes be other people you meet who you have an instant attraction to and want to jump into bed with. But one can control these urges. If on the other hand, you feel your marriage is over, end it in a respectful decent manner. Do not mention the other person and stay away from each other until after your divorce. Do not think that any kids will salvage the marriage.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 11-09-2011, 09:46 PM
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Further thoughts:

Relationships are the only situation where all the hard work in the world by one person still can’t guarantee success. In a group project, one person can carry the load and achieve a success for the team, but not in relationships. Trying to do so just leaves one person beating a dead horse rather than admit all the hard work was for naught. It's hard to admit failure, but there is no success possible in your situation.


Trying to stick it out and be the more generous, more loyal and dedicated spouse will not make the marriage succeed. All the effort in the world will not make someone else change. It will only make you more miserable.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 11-10-2011, 03:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
Whatever feelings you still have for her, use them to let her go, on to a better life. For both of you. Trapped in a marriage like this is no way for either of you to live. You need to listen to your own words on here.

I have the feeling you posted on here seeking validation for what is a very difficult decision, and we are pretty much all, universally, telling you that divorce is your best option.

And having kids will not save any marriage. Frankly, as self-absorbed as you've described her, she does not sound like someone who would be a very good mother. Getting her pregnant would be the death knell to your marriage, and you'll go through decades suffering for it. No child deserves to be intentionally brought into a failing marriage.
I did post, in part, for validation. This was/is my first serious relationship, and facing the possibility that the smartest and best thing to do is end it is hard. Especially when she has threatened it over so many times and I haven't taken her up on them. The next step, I suppose, is to talk with my friend, set out a plan, and follow through.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Patty60 View Post
I've been married for almost 40 years. There sure have been ups and downs, sometimes I wanted to murder him, and I'm sure he felt the same. There will sometimes be other people you meet who you have an instant attraction to and want to jump into bed with. But one can control these urges. If on the other hand, you feel your marriage is over, end it in a respectful decent manner. Do not mention the other person and stay away from each other until after your divorce. Do not think that any kids will salvage the marriage.
I don't think either of us believe kids will save the marriage. I know she's mentioning them (repeatedly) because her family has had pregnancy issues previously, she is overweight, 27, and knows her biological clock is ticking. I think she's mentioning them more because she desperately wants to be a mother. I wish she'd understand that being a wife first makes more sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
Further thoughts:

Relationships are the only situation where all the hard work in the world by one person still can’t guarantee success. In a group project, one person can carry the load and achieve a success for the team, but not in relationships. Trying to do so just leaves one person beating a dead horse rather than admit all the hard work was for naught. It's hard to admit failure, but there is no success possible in your situation.

Trying to stick it out and be the more generous, more loyal and dedicated spouse will not make the marriage succeed. All the effort in the world will not make someone else change. It will only make you more miserable.
Here, here.

Aside: This morning after I got home from work, we talked about various things. One of them that came up was that I was making plans to catch up with a friend (Not the same one in this thread) to talk about business, life politics and stuff. My wife asked if she was single, I said yes... And she lost it. She says that me seeing a single female, regardless of the reason, is wrong, and should not be done - ever. Especially when it's someone I met after we got married and someone she's never met. Wholly control. Sigh. We're meeting on Saturday anyway.

Also - I've posted a quick intro in the introductions forum. Looks like I'll be sticking around a while. http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...k-hello-10652/

Last edited by DubbyD; 11-10-2011 at 03:16 PM. Reason: Added introduction link.
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