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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 11-08-2011, 02:09 PM
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Default Married for 4.5 years, regret every minute. Met someone else. Now what?

I'm marriend - and have been for 4 and a half years. I've known her all my life, but we lost touch for a while as we grew up (Our families had cottages near each-other). When we did get back in touch, we sped through the talking-dating-engaged-married in in less than 18 months.

There were warning signs even before I proposed that it was a bad idea, but instead of thinking things through with my head, I followed my heart and went ahead with it. After we were married, I revealed to her that I was hiding debt, and she's struggled to forgive me for that ever since - long after the debts have been paid off.

These days, we spend half of our time together fighting, and she regularly threatens divorce, reminds me that it's "her" house (I couldn't be on the mortgage due to the past debts) and that there's no way she could ever forgive me for the past debt lies. The other half of the time, I'm either doing anything I can to help her (so that we don't fight again) or she's "happy we're together") and discusses how she can't wait to grow old with me and raise a family.

Needless to say, it's frustrating.

I've been working my current job for 3 years, and met a new friend at work a year ago (today) during a training seminar. We became decent friends - casually goofing off and flirting at work on occasion with little inside jokes and such, too, but they left for a new job a little over 3 months ago. Since then, we've gotten together about once per month to catch up. We've now changed this meeting to every other week. My spouse has no idea how good of friends we became - and has no idea we've been meeting.

I do understand that I'm involved in a textbook emotional affair. My new friend shares far more interests with me, enjoys spending time on things I enjoy, makes me smile, laugh and feel happy. I can't honestly say I've felt the same feelings with time spent with my wife. Ever. I thought I knew what happy was - but I was, apparently, wrong.

So, now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I really do want nothing for my wife but her happiness. Looking at our track record, though, she's clearly not getting that from me. Sometimes, she says she wants to keep trying - but other days she wants a divorce. I look forward to my bi-weekly time with my new friend - it's the only time every other week where I actually feel happy. If I weren't married, I'd be dating her - and having a great time of it.

So... What's wrong with me? And where do I go from here?

Last edited by DubbyD; 11-08-2011 at 02:29 PM. Reason: Formatting
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Old 11-08-2011, 02:21 PM
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The house is the matrimonial home, you are entitled to 1/2 the equity in it. She can spout all she wants about you not getting whatever....it will be worked into equalization.

As for your wife and your friend....grass isn't always greener on the other side. You also don't mention whether or not you have kids. That would be a big factor in whether you determine to stick it out or move along IMO.
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Old 11-08-2011, 02:24 PM
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Quote:
As for your wife and your friend....grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Indeed - the grass is usually greener where you water it!
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Old 11-08-2011, 02:28 PM
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Sorry - I should have mentioned. There are no kids. There is some tax debt owing on my side, but with the exception of the mortgage, she's debt-free.
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Old 11-08-2011, 02:31 PM
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Should you get divorced, it should be relatively simple as it is just equalization and stuff to deal with. However, it isn't always simple and the reality is, divorce is rarely the answer in itself.

Have you suggest or tried counselling? Or do you plan on skipping trying to help solve the marital problems, to just dropping an atom bomb on it?
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Old 11-08-2011, 02:45 PM
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I have suggested counselling. I've also suggested regular date nights, things we can do around the house... I've tried everything I could think of. She's convinced (sometimes) that we can make this work on our own. I'm not convinced any more.

I'm really only starting this emotional debate because it dawned on me that my priorities seem to have changed. I used to say my first priority was her happiness, then us being together, followed by getting all of this mess behind us. Now, while I still want her happy - I'll take the "putting this behind us" ahead of us staying together. That, though, may be the influence of having this new friend in my life.
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Old 11-08-2011, 02:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
Indeed - the grass is usually greener where you water it!
But the weeds usually take over
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Old 11-08-2011, 03:06 PM
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When I was going through a similar dilema I came to the realization that you only live once and at 35 I had already lived half my life if I am lucky. So I made the approriate changes to live the final half happy and not just getting by.

Kids or no kids, debt or no debt you do what your heart tells you.

I would personnaly do it all over again 1000 times.
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Old 11-08-2011, 06:52 PM
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I appreciate all of the responses so far. They're helping - even if you may not think they are.

The hardest part, really, is the lack of consistency. My first priority is still making her happy - that's just the kind of person that I am. But it's hard to know if I'm doing things right or wrong when one week I'm being told how wonderful I am, then for the next two she won't talk to me or is screaming that her life is horrible and her marriage is rotten.
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Old 11-09-2011, 02:03 PM
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So, after a lot of research and some brief discussion with a close friend, I'm still not sure which path to take. Part of me wants to pursue divorce and leave the door open for my new friend to come into my life. Part of me doesn't. I blame my wife for that.

I have decided, though, to start journalling. My wife and I have had plans in place for a long time that she/I/we think my "fix" our marriage. If that puts all of this behind us and keeps her happy - hey, I'm willing to try it. The journalling will be my tales of what we're doing that is helping/destroying things. Separately, I'm keeping a journal of my true thoughts and feelings - some of the things I've been posting anonymously to this board an in private message to those of you kind enough to offer support. I think the first will help if we/she/I choose to end the marriage. The second will more help me figure out how I truly feel.

My wife dropped the "we need to have kids" line on me again today, though. Despite saying she's not sure we'll make things work. Sigh.
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