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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 03-16-2010, 08:25 PM
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whatsup is on a distinguished road
Unhappy Long and in need of some sympathetic advise!

Hi all,
A little history, my husband and I split back in October, he is an alcoholic and does not seem to want to change or acknowledge this even tho he has in the past gone through court ordered rehab...Before October he drove our children twice drunk...once with me and my brother and sister in law in the vehicle..none of us knew he had been drinking until we were well down the road, a frightening experience since he refused to stop. Another time he came home obviously drunk with the kids both times from his mothers who see's no problem in him drinking "a little". I'm feeling total guilt for not stopping him from driving with the kids totally before then...I had spoken to her multiple times about providing him alcohol but she is herself mentally not there all the way if you know what I mean. She has 3 children and every one of them have some sort of mental/emotional issue.
She herself abused her children physically and continues to emotionally and verbally. They just put up with it.
Once she came over to our house before my husband and I split, my mother was here visiting..she had called and my husband told her she could not talk to our daughter who is special needs because she was in time out...she was in a biting stage and had bit little brother..so I put her in time out on her bed for a few minutes..however this angered the MIL and she came over in a rage..she told my mother I was abusing my daughter and started yelling and raging in front of my children...my mother was in shock..I grabbed the kids went inside and packed them up and took them and my mother to the store..not before telling my husband to get off the computer he is always on and dealing with his mother..she was gone when we got home...my reason for telling this is this is a usual thing for her to do..however I have been able to mostly shield the children from this so far.
I do not like this woman, I think she is very unstable, as is my soon to be ex...he is living in the basement apartment of the home we rent from MIL, yikes...and so she thinks she can come over uannounced any time and just walk in, the kids love her so I allow her to come visit here without complaint..however
She is very controlling, and always wants me to drive the kids up to see her at her farm...an hour away, and my soon to be ex has not made any support payments to me..he puts in the bare minimum for food each week but not much more..I've had to dip into savings quite a bit to pay for gas. To drive them up there when she can more easily come here is beyond my means right now and truthfully I don't like the woman and think she is a nasty person overall.
Today she showed up...kids have been sick the last 2 days and she keeps calling but I don't answer because I simply don't want to listen to her nag about bringing the kids up again...
Last week I asked her to come and watch the kids...I had an MRI appointment..first and last time I've asked her to babysit....she did but when I got home she was gone...my special needs daughter opened the front door as I was putting the key in and no one was upstairs watching her...a few minutes later my son came up and I asked what where you doing, he said watching tv with Papa....so my daughter was alone upstairs and opened the door to me or whoever was at it!!! I was angry..so today I told her I was upset with her for leaving before I got home...lots of excuses and then accusations about me not being a nice person for not letting her poor son watch the kids..etc...everything is poor this and poor that...and all my fault for not putting up with his drinking...
What brought on our separation was I got tired of his drunkeness and poured it all out...he came up and told me to take the kids and go find somewhere else to live....that was the end of our marriage...
I send the kids downstairs as often as they want to go...however I have told ex because of his past drunk driving with the children I do not want him driving them..but I will transport them to where he wants..I even offered to bring them up to MIL's on Christmas eve and leave them for about 8 hours so he could spend the eve with his family and children, however he said no he didn't want to go...so I went up with the kids. I invited him to Christmas morning so he could watch his children open their presents..his answer was..."why so you can call the cops and get a restraining order?" OMG what? He's referring to the fact that he had one on him when he got arrested for domestic violence against me..however I did not call police then, he did, he was drunk and was being a smart a$$ and pushed me, when I said if you do that again I'll call the cops, so he went downstairs and called them and then brought me the phone, I said hello and the 911 lady said " Are you ok? He's very drunk isn't he?" My only answer was yes and she said they were on the way....they arrested him because he pushed me. The reason he pushed me? I tipped a chair over when I was trying to get it unstuck from under the table, it had a baby seat on it and was jammed...when it tipped he jumped up and grabbed it and threw it across the room and said "Lets just break up all the furniture" Then he picked up another and was about to throw it in the direction of our son who was only 1, I pulled it away from him and when I did he pushed me... But for some reason, that is my fault too...
I have tried to be nice, civil, but I know MIL is going to get real nasty when I request support from her poor baby...I guess what I am hoping for is opinions on the best way to proceed...
I would like Sole Custody..I don't mind him visiting the kids as much as he wants and they want but since there are so many medical issues surrounding my daughter and his instability with the alcohol abuse and I believe he is not mentally stable either..other family members have expressed concern about him possibly hurting himself at some point, I would like to know if anyone thinks I have a chance at Sole Custody...I have a number of emails concerning the children at Christmas and all he was concerned about was the assets that I have in my bank account..he didn't even want to see his kids then...
Also, would I be required to bring my kids up to the grandmothers whenever she wants?? Its her total disregard for my daughters need of medications and special diet to control her medical issues that is frightening...her "Oh a little won't hurt her" attitude could put my daughter in the hospital..a little CAN hurt her.
So anyway today when she was pushing about coming up and then getting hostile about me not being nice to her boy, in front of the kids, I said to her she is not to talk about this in front of my children, she continued so I told her to leave my home...she left angry. I am upset by this and I guess looking for a little support....I have no family here...however, my brother in law's wife is extremely sympathetic and feels the same about her but is out of town so I'm just looking for a bit of advise......and of course as with everyone here...there will be more to come!! Thanks in advance!!

btw, I am a stay at home mom, unable to work because of the often medical needs of our daughter which I have been in total charge of since the day she was born...he does not even know the names of all her doctors..and has only been to 1 appointment that I can recall, I take care of her when sick, do all the medical appointments, give her medications, monitor her diet, do all her school meetings and take care of our younger son too!!
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Old 03-16-2010, 09:10 PM
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That's one helluva rant.

What exactly do you want to know?
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Old 03-16-2010, 09:30 PM
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Sorry,
posted here in the support section, I thought this would be the area to express some of my frustration, confusion and anger regarding my situation...like I said I have no family here and so I'm all alone in this with 2 small kids...sorry I was ranting...its been a hellish last few months..
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Old 03-16-2010, 09:49 PM
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Your husband has a history of violence, he has a substance abuse problem, he has been arrested, a restraining order and he has been in treatment for alcoholism and then started drinking again, you have plenty of factual evidence to request sole custody.

You do not have to have anything to do with the mother-in-law. Grandparents have no rights to access. You should not be leaving the children with her at all, ever. She has the same history of alcohol abuse and physical abuse and verbal abuse as your husband. Why would you subject them to that? You want to present yourself to the court as a reasonable parent who is protecting her children. If you find the MIL acceptable as a caregiver, then why not the father? Truth is, according to your report, neither is, and you must put your children's well being first. If you need an MRI find a neighbour to watch them.

The father should not be denied access, but it should be supervised, you should arrange visits at say a parenting centre. You should look for a social services office near your location and get advice on available places. Calling a woman's shelter if necessary to get a list of resources and numbers to call.

You rent from MIL, don't own, you qualify for legal aid. Focus on custody and support, that is what legal aid will help you with. Worry about splitting any assets or savings later.

You need an immediate motion for custody and an immediate motion for support. You sound like you are in a rural area, drive to the nearest town with a shelter, take the kids, get some phone numbers, register with legal aid immediatly.

Contact Revenue Canada, you declare yourself separated for 90 days, put in a change of address and get your Child Tax Credit cheques coming to you at the shelter if necessary, or direct deposited. File a tax return asap, you don't work, but you will need to declare yourself separated soon, and your tax records will need to show no/low income to get the maximum cheque. How many children? 2 with close to $0 income you will receive close to $1000 per month tax free.

Go to welfare office and apply for benefits immediately, explain it is an emergency situation.

A shelter will give you all this same advice and more. The situation has your children at risk, you need to get them and yourself out, and you need to start rebuilding your life asap, meaning get into a shelter, apply for welfare, get legal aid and apply for housing. You will have to do this from town, you can't stay in a rural area unless you have friends that can put you up for months, but you will remain vulnerable to your abusive husband and in-laws the entire time.

It is a huge step, but you have to take it.
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Old 03-16-2010, 11:15 PM
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Thanks Mess,
I'm actually in the GTA...MIL is up by Barrie. I have done some of the things you suggested already and applied for the tax credit back in January...it takes them time to process that and I should find out about that soon...also my daughter is developmentally disabled so she gets some benefits like prescription drugs and dental and vision and a monthly cash amount so I have applied for those too. That will come in handy because one of her more costly medications is not prescription any longer therefore not covered and quite expensive over the counter. Like the tax thing, takes time to process that too.

I should not have left the kids with her...kicking myself in every way imaginable right now for that...this is so foreign to the way I was brought up, my family would never treat each other like this..my grandparents were always very close in my family.

I will for sure go check out Legal aid as soon as I can...I guess I'm over tired right now too and letting it all get to me...2 sick kids and no sleep ya know! Once again sorry for the rant!!

I have no desire to keep the kids from their dad...that would not be good for them, they love him and I would find that to be almost abusive for me to stand between them..however, I need to assure they are safe and well cared for both physically and emotionally...supervised visits sounds reasonable to me at this point, thanks for that idea...I'd love if he would see a counsellor and work though his issues with his upbringing...I didn't know about it until a long time after we were married, it was really bad...and I feel bad he endured that..but my first priority now is the kids.
I will contact a shelter and ask their advise like you have suggested.. I need a lawyer I can see now.
Thanks Mess, I needed the support tonight!!
And DadtotheEnd, your right I read back and it was helluva rant!! But for once, instead of remaining quiet, I needed to rant and did!!
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Old 03-17-2010, 08:15 PM
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Glad that you have gotten a little help here. Let us know how things progress.

It's nice to hear that the feedback here is helpful. Many new posters seem to already know what answers they want and are very disapointed to get a reality check. But it seems you have a good handle on reality already.

Good Luck!
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Old 03-17-2010, 11:29 PM
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My ex has been caught asking our daycare lady to make up reciepts higher then actual..she does not know that I know yet, but I DO have a written and signed paper from the daycare lady stating that my ex had on several occations asked for higher then actual receipts to make it so that I would have to pay her more.. I already pay $912.00 a month and I have shared custody (for starters does that number sound fair to anyone???) I went to the police and they said "she will be charged if I hand in the written/signed paper from the daycare lady) Also now that the daycare refuses to care for our daughter I am forced to pay alot more anyways for this new "regulated daycare".. the increase of cost is doubled...so I am forced to pay double because my ex reuined her relationship with our daycare...she also lied to me about the reason for changing daycare. (she said the lady wont be watching any kids because she is starting her own business) obviously not true....The only way I found out is the Daycare lady phone my wife and I and told us all the things my ex did...and said (bashed my wife and I infront of my daughter). I would like some advice on how to go about getting justice...Everyone says its all about the kids.....but why are most of these arguments about MONEY!!!
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Old 03-18-2010, 04:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nathank View Post
My ex has been caught asking our daycare lady to make up reciepts higher then actual..she does not know that I know yet, but I DO have a written and signed paper from the daycare lady stating that my ex had on several occations asked for higher then actual receipts to make it so that I would have to pay her more.. I already pay $912.00 a month and I have shared custody (for starters does that number sound fair to anyone???) I went to the police and they said "she will be charged if I hand in the written/signed paper from the daycare lady) Also now that the daycare refuses to care for our daughter I am forced to pay alot more anyways for this new "regulated daycare".. the increase of cost is doubled...so I am forced to pay double because my ex reuined her relationship with our daycare...she also lied to me about the reason for changing daycare. (she said the lady wont be watching any kids because she is starting her own business) obviously not true....The only way I found out is the Daycare lady phone my wife and I and told us all the things my ex did...and said (bashed my wife and I infront of my daughter). I would like some advice on how to go about getting justice...Everyone says its all about the kids.....but why are most of these arguments about MONEY!!!
Nice double post from your other thread, and hijack of this one.
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Old 03-18-2010, 08:28 AM
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Yes I am sorry...for some reason my account wont allow me to start my own thread...it is not my intention to "Jack" your post...I am in need of help and cant make my own post or thread.... Sorry
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